Scared

I think it runs on fear. The whole thing. His whole modus operandi is getting what he wants through making people fearful of him. As I type this, I am afraid.
I made a huge mistake and got involved with someone that I should never have got involved with. EVER. I used to be such a smart woman. I don't know how I overrode my own sense of judgement so badly, and my own sense of personal safety and boundaries. I think I was just in such a dark place that anyone or thing that was an adventure or different was attractive to me.
He was incredibly charming, I did fall for him, but when I woke up to what I was getting into I tried to escape him. feebly I tried to run away from him. But he still knew where I was, still had my number. It all turned very sour. I think that a very good piece of advice which I just read on this site, is that if a partners behaviour ever makes your hair stand, then you need to start documenting things. You need to become cold and clinical and start putting up boundaries. Easier said than done, when all you want is to be rid and free of a person that has manipulated you into submission and then abused you psychologically and emotionally, just barely scratching the surface of physical abuse. Some maniacs know how far they can go, they know how to operate covertly. He is pro.
I was brought to write this, because I don't don't know what else to do to exorcise the fear I feel every day. I thought that sleeping would help me forget, it doesn't, I am terrified of him. I wish I didn't feel this way. I really really do. I wish I wasn't so afraid all of the time. Afraid that he is plotting revenge for something I said, for something I did/didn't do. Afraid that he has spread malicious lies about me that I have no chance of refuting or addressing unless I go to the police or something, in which case I am afraid that I will end up dead. I don't know how to explain any of this to the people that I know love me. It is utterly terrifying. That I told him so much about me, about my life, and that he now yields this much power over me because of how stupid I was. I am living in fear. I want my psychological health back.
An Ep User An EP User
2 Responses Jan 14, 2013

I feel much the same right now.. Does he still contact you? Or do they eventually go away?

Was there ever a solution to your situation? I'm in one similar right now -- not as extreme but enough to tear my nerves up...

I hope all is well...