Selfish Me...

I don't know how i could ever deal with them GONE. just out of my life. i've had two very disturbing dreams about my mum, and then my dad, dying, dead, then gone. i woke up crying, and had to run to the bathroom to wash up before everyone else woke up. it gives me shivers to think of it again.

at the heart of it all, though they've hurt me so much, i could not live if i wasn't able to run back to my 'rents. that goes for all my other loved ones too. if they weren't there, ready with a smile if i turned to them worriedly, i think i would implode and die with missing them. and, i doubt that i could stand the doubts that would rear its ugly head in the face of their death. all the things i never said, the things i never did, the things i wish i could take back, the things we could have shared...the list goes on and on.

friends have come and gone (not to the afterlife), and i've missed them so much it physically hurt. so, i am so scared shitless of how i would feel if a loved one died. when i have a paranoid day, the idea that my family and friends could die haunts me and doesn't let go until i've seen them safe and laughing.

the only solution i've thought of to fix this fear is to die before my loved ones do. suicide is not really an option - i've worked too damn hard and cried over too many things to give up now. but to be honest, living without a loved one is one prospect that really truly frightens me, cos i'm not that strong.

BowsAndBones BowsAndBones
18-21, F
3 Responses Jun 23, 2007

One thing that helped me when my Father died was knowing what the Bible Really teaches about the condition of the dead, and the hope they have:<br />
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(John 5:27-29) . . .. 28 Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice 29 and come out, those who did good things to a resurrection of life, those who practiced vile things to a resurrection of judgment. <br />
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(Ecclesiastes 9:4-5) . . .. 5 For the living are conscious that they will die; but as for the dead, they are conscious of nothing at all, neither do they anymore have wages, because the remembrance of them has been forgotten.<br />
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(Ecclesiastes 9:10) 10 All that your hand finds to do, do with your very power, for there is no work nor devising nor knowledge nor wisdom in She′ol, the place to which you are going.<br />
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(Psalm 146:3-4) 3 Do not put YOUR trust in nobles, Nor in the son of earthling man, to whom no salvation belongs. 4 His spirit goes out, he goes back to his ground; In that day his thoughts do perish.<br />
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(Job 14:12-15) 12 Man also has to lie down and does not get up. Until heaven is no more they will not wake up, Nor will they be aroused from their sleep. 13 O that in She′ol you would conceal me, That you would keep me secret until your anger turns back, That you would set a time limit for me and remember me! 14 If an able-bodied man dies can he live again? All the days of my compulsory service I shall wait, Until my relief comes. 15 You will call, and I myself shall answer you. For the work of your hands you will have a yearning.<br />
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This is just a few. If you want more info, please let me know!<br />
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I'm 57 my dad passed 17 years ago when I was only 40 my mom has maybe a few days to go she has cancer when the time comes God will hold you up friends will pray for you Don't give up There is to much joy in the world I remember thinking like you when I was young in my 20's hang in there I just dreamed my brother died the other night if you have brothers or sisters it will bond you together when your parents pass<br />

I dream of my best friends dying all the time. And in the same ways in a reoccuring dream. Sometimes it's more vivid than other times but still the same. I cry over it too but still always worry about them. It's like somehow, now that I've thought about them dying they are because I shouldn't be thinking about it in the first place and the dream happening in real life would be punishment. I hope you're okay and I love you!