Im Afraid of My Loved Ones Dying (be prepared its a long one)

Yesterday my father called me and told me had a dream that I was left alone to fend for myself, that something had happened to my mother. I dont know if he has a sixth sense or if the things he dreams come true. I think i'm the wrong person to tell that too. I've been worried since yesterday for my mom.... that I even dropped her off to work. I also told her, she should get a medical check up. I wasn't always like this. Sometimes I wish I could go back to "normal" if that even exist. It all happened 4 years ago when my grandma was diagnosed with cancer in the liver. It all happened quickly she got sick... waited almost a month before going to the doctors, got the diagnoses and passed away a month. But it was painful for the family and me. She passed away July, 2003. Soon after, at work I would go online and talk to people who had been in similar circumstances or who would hear me out. And I found Michael. His grandfather had passed away recently and from cancer. So we became friends but the catch was, Michael was also sick with Leukemia. I thought I could be there for him, I didn't want to be fickle....and just run away once I found out. That year, 2003.....was in between grief and being there from a distance for michael (he lives in another state). There were two scares, I received from him. When we had only known each other for only a week or so...I got text message on my cell, saying that Michael had passed away. At the moment I was with a friend at the cinema...and I felt crushed and couldn't believe it. I called the person back...and they confirmed it again on the phone. I cried that whole night while talking to my ex (at that time my ex was pestering me, wanting to get back together). But I felt like something was wrong and that it wasn't true, so I prayed to God that if it was a trick... for my peace, to receive a call from Michael... letting me know he was alive. And sure enough 2 days later...I get a call from Michael, telling me he had been to San francisco (hes from L.A). I was angry, confused and happy he was alive. I told him I had received a call from someone telling he was dead. He said he had left his apartment keys with some neighbors to watch over his dog... and that it was a sick joke and he was angry....he told them off. I decided to forgive....but I kept my distance. He had already kept things from me like his real name and having a daughter. I know sometimes when you barely meet someone online you dont trust to give out personal information but I found it hard to trust in him. Anyways we became friends and he opened up to me. We were there for each other and the relationship progressed to boyfriend and girlfriend. Four months into the relationship he tells me, the Leukemia has shown up stronger in his blood and that he would be receiving chemo. That was the second scare.... it was a living nightmare... and I worried he would pass away like my grandma. I prayed and I went to church asking for a miracle.... the lady in the prayer group...without me disclosing information...said someone in here has been praying for someone who is sick in the hospital, the Virgin Mary... has listened to the prayer and granted the person's wish. It was true...Michael called me the next day and told me the chemo had turned out good..and after that, its been almost 3 years and he has been in remission. But for me, its been 3 years of sometimes getting worried. If he has stomach pains, or headaches.... Recently, June, he had a car accident were his heart stopped (He passed out while driving home from school). And I knew something was wrong because I couldnt reach him. He called me 3 hours later from the hospital. So I called the hospital back to check up on him..... and a few weeks later, I even flew down to see him. (I know this is a long story...but I have to explain it because it has all been building up.) On top of all this, his daughter who was two years old, passed away in 2005. I think he hasnt recovered completely from that...and he has been in and out of depression. Lately... he is sounding like the Michael I use to know....making jokes...and being bubbly. I thought I could deal with it. Im even a recent graduate...guess? A psychology major :-). At school, last year, I had some therapy sessions with a psychologist. I blurted all my secrets and feelings... initially it felt good to talk to someone but all she did was listen. There was only two advice, dont worry as much (a paper on how to relax) and to make more guy friends to see what else was out there. I listened...I made more guy friends... that didnt help much...and the end they were flirtatous and wanting to get in my pants. Of never lead to that...not even a kiss. ANYWAYS>>>>So where is my life now... Michael says he is moving to where I live, by the end of the year. He plans to continue his studies as do I. I want to get a master's degree... But lately after graduating....the quick pace of life has slow down...and I find myself home being lazy and not looking for a job or applications for school....and not doing the little erands I have to do. I have a bunch of things, and I just pass my time either being online or watching tv. I wonder how we get to this point in our lives....I know its a fact of life, we must all die..I just cant let go and accept the fact. Im the only child.. and my mom is a single we only have each other. ::Smile:: And now my dad calls me to tell me that dream yesterday... So I think of ways that I can protect my mom, knowing its impossible....wondering if his dream could come true.... its irrational I know...I just cant stop it. I cried yesterday night as I watched her sleep because I know I would be very alone if she left me.
complicatedangel complicatedangel
22-25, F
1 Response Jul 26, 2007

That is normal, to feel concern for your loved ones. I felt the same way as you when my Mother died, years ago. I still feel afraid sometimes about what I will do when my Father dies. However, if you are a churchgoer, you should be familiar with the verse in the bible where Jesus tells us not to worry about tommorrow, for it will be difficult enough, that we have enough to deal with today. I think it is in Luke, the most detailed book of the New Testament. <br />
Otherwise, the only thing you can do is try to prepare for the future by looking for a job (I am looking for a better-paying one so I can be prepared for the time when my Dad eventually goes), but just do what you can do to prepare, and if you are doing what you can, then don't worry about the rest. Even God doesn't expect more!<br />
It sounds like you are a really good girl, really God-loving. Just do what you can to prepare. With your "little errands" and looking for a job, just set a few goals each day, like "I am going to go shopping and put in two applications a day." You don't have to break your neck trying to do everything at once, that is a recipe for discouragement and failure. So you are in a little slump, all of us get in them, but you can climb out! :) <br />
Again, you sound like a really nice girl and I am sure you will do just fine, it is good that you care about your family. Post again sometime so all of us here can see how you are!