Scared To Turn Of The Music

The whispering voices of doubt and hatred. The sobbing screams of my broken mind. Just to think brings fear.
Deceptive memories which bring humiliation in their wake, just to serve as a reminder as to why I deserve to be like this.

I can't be left alone to think. My mind needs to distracted or I'll start thinking these dark thoughts. Its a horribly strange sensation to be afraid to think or remember.
I just dredge up random memories of why I'm useless, worthless and use them to prove to myself why I'm like this.

I'm writing this at 2AM because I've just had an almost hallucination of a sobbing, screaming wreck resounding through my mind and no matter how hard I distracted myself I couldn't get it out of my head.
I had to physically check I wasn't asleep just in case I'd sunk into a nightmare that was too real for me to handle. I am always afraid to indulge in too much self reflection because it proves to be self destructive but now it seems its catching up with me anyway.
I believe there is something wrong with me, that I've driven myself into this pit of depression and despair. That I'm still driving myself to self harm just because I don't have any new scars. That I need to do this.
Its been 3 weeks since I last cut myself and I can't go a day without considering new cuts or willing myself to do it.
My mind feels like its tearing itself apart. I need almost constant distraction in the form of writing, music or anything just to stop myself thinking too much.

I know I will end up self harming because I can feel the urge building and I know I'm too weak to resist forever. But I can deal with the pain, at this rate I'll welcome it. Its whatever is going on inside that I can't deal with.
I cannot go to sleep tonight with this sobbing and screaming going on inside my head. I can't because I know a nightmare will ensue and I will wake to pick up the razor blade and cut myself bloody in a midnight mirror.

I'm terrified to dream right now. I'm terrified to turn off the music and let my mind go back to its own devices. But underlying it is the almost gleeful sense that I'm going to pick of the blade again. That this will all stop when I open up my skin. I can feel it like a seperate prescence. This is crazy... this feels crazy when I know the crazy thing is to pick up the blade and bring it to my arm.

I'm not going to go mad but it feels like my mind will break with the strain of this battle first.
AgeonAngel AgeonAngel
1 Response Aug 13, 2010

that sounds terrible! please, dont give up you fight, dont give in and cut yourself. even if you do just try and make that the last time. what i do to escape my own mind is to think of nonsense words. just keep thinking a list of random words in you head like, girraf, sink, carpet, savanah, dog, running etc.. or other times i just repeat the alfabet over and over again. it helps keep my mind occupied when i'm scaring myself. now i know this is about 6 months late but i hope it will help you