It's Just A Thought...

I don't know when I first became afraid of my own thoughts, i think its something that I have experienced since childhood. When I was young, if I stole a sweet or thought something bad I would cry to my mum and ask her if i'll go to hell for these things. My mum would laugh at me and reasure me that I would not, though she does believe in heaven and hell. As I have gotten older my thoughts have become quite distressing and I will find myself in a state of panic and I will cry unconsolably thinkin the worst things about myself and in some ways torturing myself. I find it very hard to think anything positive about myself or accept positive comments from people because of this, I'll just say in my head 'you don't know me inside'.

Because of this attitute I am scared of relationships because they don't know what I am really like and if they new they would run a mile, and I'd be left thinking Im weird. On the plus side I have a beautiful baby girl who brings me all the happiness in the world, I just don't want her growing up watching her mum panic about thoughts that are not even true or relevant in reality. I wish someone could take away this burden because I find it hard to enjoy life and meet new people. A typical thought I would have is about suicide, life after death, people close to me dying, going mad and just not trusting my own feelings. People will say its human nature to have intrusive thoughts that scare you and make you anxious. How do other people feel? And has anyone experienced the same thing as me... really need answers! Thanks guys and gals xxx

dwellerkeller dwellerkeller
22-25, F
3 Responses Apr 2, 2010

That has also helped me, i have always been an anxious person and i always keep on things and i get angry at my boyfriend all the time and feelings of hate! im driving him mad but not only that i know every1 has bad thoughts but others they forget about them,but i have had this bad thought that started a year ago and its of physically hurting this 1 person that i love the most in my life and im so so so afraid that it will happen! i just cant forget that it was just a split second stupid random thought thatl never happen.

Thank you so much for your comment it has really helped. I have put to my GP that I may have OCD but they said I did not because I don't have any compulsions. After reading up about Purely O, I can see characteristics of the condition that I have. Maybe now, with help, I can start to rebuild the person I once was. Thank you again :-)

Its true that everyone has bad thoughts but if you find yourself obsessing over them and it really affecting you this badly then i think you should see a doc cause it sounds like OCD to me. There is what they called a Purely O, meaning someone who just has consistant, obsessive thoughts that make them panic. If thats the case, then at least you can identify whats going on and take steps to correct it. Good luck to ya.