The Other Me

When I was younger, mostly 1st through 5th grade, I lived in a fantasy that didn't exsist. I spent very little time being social and the time I did spend being social I was shy and reserved. I had friends but they were few. And my parents were often busy working, I felt like I knew my babysitter better than my own parents. My brother suplied little comfort considering that he is mentaly disabled. So in short, I had a lot of time to myself to create these fantasys. When I went to school I was bullied 3-5 times a day (before school, once every three reces, and after school) and when I say bullied, I mean badly. Not only relentless name calling but slapping, kicking, tripping etc. I was so passive that I never did anything about it. I tried once one year but she taught me a tough leason to forget about speaking back against her. One day, after she had been doing this for a good one or two years, she went to far. She threatened to bring my brother into it. Being super protective of him despite my passive nature something inside of me snapped. Before I knew it I was looking at her lying on the ground along with one of her friends. Both of these girls outsized me, out weighed me and were older than me by a year. I almost broke her leg. Shocked, I ran off. Later as I went through elementy school this happened a few more times. No one was ever seriously hurt but sometimes people who didn't even make me mad were caught in it. This felt like another side of me, a hidden side. It didn't even feel like me at all, it was like that side was some other person. The longer I go without letting "her" out the more she haunts me. She appears in my dreams and chokes me untill I wake up coughing with bruises on my throat. The face of the girl choking me is always my own and I just know it's that side of me.
I am so afraid of her. I am so afraid of myself because I feel like everyone I work to protect, can never be safe.