I'm Disappearing

Not to say I ever even really existed in the first place.

I constantly can not tell when my dreams stop and reality begins. The only time I feel like I am actually there is when I'm in pain or high.

This sense of nothingness is leading me down a road of despair and I can't help but continue to follow it.

I love and hate myself. Neutrality is my strong suit. It's made me lonely. I no longer seek out new people. I have no desire to.

My drawings have become dark and I laugh it off when someone comments that, but I know why they are dark.

I want to see things fall. I want to see failure thrown in the faces of everyone. I want to see death.

And at the same time I feel capable of doing that. I don't want to, but I'm curious of what would happen if I do.

 

I'm such an unhappy person, I don't know where the unhappiness is going to take me.

There is no motivation in me to change. 

 

I also catch myself talking to myself. Convincing myself to punch that wall or my face.

And when I look in the mirror I see a dead face. In my dreams I do the same thing. There is no escaping it.

Half the time I don't even know who I'm talking to. I haven't given it a name. Maybe I guess that means it's less real.

The people I converse with fade quickly too. I barely remember the events of two days ago. The memories are hazy.

Except for one recently.

 

The memory of myself sitting in the bath tub when I was about 9 maybe. I had been ill with a fever so my parents decided on an ice bath.

I cried as I was getting in because it was extremely cold.  After awhile I just sat there with my face as blank as porcelain tiles. 

I started to cry again and my mother came back in and asked what was wrong. Sobbing, I replied, "I don't want to die."

What 9 year old thinks of death? 

 

I'm self-destructive. With no will to not be. While writing this I've even questioned why I'm writing it.

Maybe somewhere in my head there's an answer. 

 

Also I think that my pessimism is worthy to note as well. I see no future for anything. We're all born the same and die the same. What happens in between is just nothing. What is the point in making it to the top just to die and have it all mean nothing to you anymore?

KeepThoseEyesOpen KeepThoseEyesOpen
18-21
3 Responses Feb 25, 2010

You just took the emotions i was feeling and wrote them down in a way i never could. That's why you wrote it- you helped someone put into words how they were feeling. Find things like this in other parts of your life, joy comes from giving.

I know how you feel.There's not really much wrong with you besides the unhappiness.You just see things as they are.Just live and enjoy your yourself.:)

I know the feeling. I hate mysself for being like this. I'm so lonely. B ut I can't change.