People Exhaust Me

They really do. Going to work, talking and keeping a smile on my face, trying not to be afraid of judgement and holding myself together when I feel embarrassed to even open my mouth. These things wipe me out. I am really an introvert, but I put on an extrovert face to get by. I want to keep to myself, but it crippled me growing up. I couldn't talk to someone new without my voice trembling. Class presentations were a nightmare. I wanted everyone to like me so badly, I never spoke for fear of driving them away. Now, I smile, I talk, I make conversation while simultaneously worrying if I'm coming on too strong or making an *** of myself. Because it's really not me, I don't feel sure of myself.

And while I am learning (slowly) not to care what people think, to relax and accept that not everyone is going to like me, I still want a real friend. SO many people say it, but it bears repeating: very few people actually "get" me. By which I mean I can be with them without having to put up some kind of front. I met in two of them I met in middle school and another 10 or so in college. There are maybe five people who have been close to the inner sanctum of my psyche or close to my heart without horribly damaging it.

Actually, make it four. I just lost one. My "puppy" love never actually cared for me like I did for him. My first boyfriend emotionally abused me. My last boyfriend, my best friend, I spent nearly every day with for two and a half years. Not attached at the hip, or held together by some blind desire to just not be single. No, we were together every day because we wanted to be. Because we were never bored with each other, even when all we did was watch TV or movies, eat take out, play video games and hang with friends. (Which is what I always wanted in a relationship. To be able to do nothing together and love every moment of it.) We were opposites who complimented each other. We were really, really good together and I thought "maybe now, it'll be the right one."

But he wasn't the one. He betrayed my trust more than once, truth be told. And before we broke up, he lied to me. Tried to kiss someone else, then panicked and didn't tell me about it. Had been drifting away from me and didn't tell me how he felt. I guess guys don't, but he was my best friend. I deserved better than that.

Now I know "deserved" is bullshit. When I talk to him, I feel like I can I hear the absence of his affection. I feel like I am nothing. With my friends all moved elsewhere and the exhausting task of facing a building full of strangers nearly every day, I wish more than ever that I had him back, that I knew he cared and or at least was doubting his decision. But he's not. I know him better than anyone and I hear it in his voice. He moved on before I even knew he was gone. And if to despair is to hope for something already gone, I guess you could say I am in despair.

I don't think I'll ever know what it's like to be loved by someone I love. It's a painful thought, almost nauseating when I've been crying from missing him and thinking over and over again, "how could he do that to me? After telling me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, after everything we've been through and knowing how close we really were. Did he really do that to ME?"

He sure did. And I never again want to feel the things he made me feel. It's so hard for me to find and make real friends. I want to give up on trying to be outgoing and talkative, crawl back into my shell, and wait for someone who cares enough to pry it open and see what's inside. That probably won't happen. I just wish I knew where to find people like me, to talk to them and feel understood again. There are 6 billion people on this planet. They've got to be somewhere, but what are my odds of finding them? Right now, I'm thinking they're not good. Not very good at all.

Can anybody find me somebody to love?

IChing IChing
22-25, F
Feb 24, 2010