I Had To Leave Class While Talking About Pregnancy....

I just left my Human Sexuality class today...out of all the uncomfortable/sad/horrible/odd things we've talked about this term...I had to get up and leave halfway through class today while talking about pregnancy, fetal development, abortions, birthing, and so on. I was so emotional and disgusted and uncomfortable the whole time we were talking. I sat in my car crying because as a woman, I totally feel like I'm a failure and something is wrong with me for being so afraid of ever being pregnant and feeling like I'm incapable of ever raising a child.

Part of me wants a little girl so bad...and that right there is a worry. What if its a boy? I don't really have any desire to have a boy. And then even if its a girl, I think I'm too depressive, emotional, and immature to be able to raise her for the next 18+ years. I'm 26....and we kept talking about how I've already passed my peak of childbearing years and how it's just going to go downhill from here. Ugh. I'm sick and miserable. My boyfriend has a five year old boy and I'm fine with him, he even likes me a lot. I don't mind being with him but I also get annoyed with him at times and the fact that I didn't make the decision to have this kid, but he's now a permanent part of my life.

Pregnancy grosses me out...it scares me too. Imagining my vagina stretching and something that big coming out of it just makes me cringe and get woozy. I would hate being in the hospital...the IV's, the setting, the fact that five people are watching me bleed and give birth and staring at my vagina. I also know I'd be too scared to do it naturally, since the pain seems unbearable.

I've had an abortion in the past and knew what I was doing, and was okay with it. I knew it wasn't the ideal situation, but I definitely didn't want kids and had no idea I was pregnant and was drinking regularly then. It's only recently that the fact I had an abortion makes me feel sad. Not an emotional kind of sad about the unborn baby....I still think it was too early to really be anything to be upset over. But the fact I failed mother nature and my body and my womanhood. Shouldn't I have wanted this? Shouldn't I have at least wanted this in the future? I feel like I have tainted my reproductive organs and the natural order of things.

I love the idea of having a child and doing the whole holistic/caring/loving mother thing, but something inside me also violently revolts against it. I feel like maybe I have some hidden memory of something traumatic happening at a birth, or maybe something awful happened in a past life...who knows.
PhyreByrd PhyreByrd
26-30, F
1 Response Aug 4, 2010

well i never had an abortion, but people ALWAYS asking me when i going to have a kid and i does tell them when God ready for me , i too scared ,coz my friends told stories and so on , but if i wanna get preggy i wanna do it spiritually,mentaly, and make sure i have tons of money on me too lol... but also when a woman get preggy is not to let people touch the belly AT ALL(besides your boyfriend or husband) unless you have the authority to let them and most of all pray too....