Scars From Childhood

My roommate and I were helping her dad put up a wall and she broke the drill bit we were using.  When she had to tell her dad, I said, "Can I go in another room for this?"  She laughed and said that her dad wasn't like my dad.  That one sentence hit me so hard, it almost physically hurt.  If Oprah had been there she would have called it an aha moment.  Because when I screwed up in life, my father was always there to tell me what an idiot I was.

I am a smart person.  It's in my experiences.  But a small part of me always thinks that I am not worth others' attention.  I say I am honest, but I can't have a genuine conversation with a person, because I feel like if I let my thoughts and feelings out, they will confirm what my father, somewhat inadvertently in his defense, taught me about myself.  That I can't do anything right, that I make other people's lives miserable.  That I am a burden on the people around me.

I am afraid that people will see the "real" me.  The complete and utter **** up that I have let my life become, not because I am happy how I am and don't care where my life is going, but because I am so afraid of screwing up that I can't bring myself to do anything that will change my life for the better.  I walk around with the belief that other people see me like I see me, which pretty much guarantees complete and utter rejection.

somewhatlost somewhatlost 26-30, F 5 Responses Apr 4, 2008

Your Response


I used to be this way when I was younger, but I've gotten to the point now that when I screw up I just don't care. I'm only human, and if someone can't see that then it's their problem, not mine. If they don't like how I live my life and I'm always screwing up in their eyes, then they won't be a part of my life, even if they are my parent. I don't have to put up with other people's crap, and if they can't respect me and always put me down they can go somewhere else and leave me alone.

I know how you feel. My classmates used to always put me down and treat me like I was some kind of loser so I grew up thinking that I was. I became very quite and stayed to myself. I was afraid that if I said anything people would just tell me what I loser I am so I didnt say anything at all. It wasnt til high school that I started getting any respect and thats only because I'd learned how to act like everyone else. Now Im an adult and know that Im not a loser. That kids can just be mean sometimes and that those kids that made fun of me are long gone. I dont have to feel like a loser anymore and you dont have to feel like a screw up just because of what your dad said. He was probably only saying that because maybe he felt that way about himself and he was taking it out on you. Ive learned that if parents dont resolve certain issues before they have kids the kids usually suffer for it. It wasnt you. It was him and youre very brave for telling that story because I know you said you dont like to share your thoughts and feelings. Well Ive read your thoughts and feelings and I dont think youre a screw up :-)

hello, somewhatlost

seems like your dad and my mum could have been twins

............. quick to knock me down

.................... slow to build me up

my successes were no ore than was expected

............ my failures were discussed for hours and days

and resurrected whenever i thought i'd got over it.

eventually, i discovered that the real me was fine

or at least as good as everyone else

i went into therapy

untangled most of her twisted views

yes, they are still there in my unconscious mind

............. but much, much weaker

and no longer have a strangle-hold on me.

i wish the the best

.................. just be you

....................................... you're fine

with respect, from robbie

I have recently learned "A mistake is an opportunity to learn." When I take this attitude, I am not as hard on myself as I used to be long ago. Everything that went wrong was a crisis in my life. Once I dropped a bowl of tomato soup on my light brown carpet. I nearly killed myself over this event. It was the end of the world for me. Now I can laugh about it. I learned how to clean orange stain off the carpet! If it did not come out, replace the carpet. It wasn't worth my own death! My counsellor is helping me with my end of the world crisis attitude.

Give yourself a pat on the back for where you are at in life. Hey, you had the courage to write about this on EP. Give yourself credit. Take a look at every success in your life, no matter how small. What about the fact that you are able to read the recipes so you can cook the new menu items! That is amazing. You are in college! You had to have been successful in school to get there. Make a list for yourself of these successes & celebrate YOU!

Your dad unfortunately did not know the impact his words & attitudes would have on you. Write him a letter telling him how what he said & did affected your life. Tell him how he made you feel. You don't have to mail the letter. Just get your feelings out of you! It really helps!

I agree with shoreguyct....You will overcome this. You are an amazing person. You are successful in spite of what your dad made, and still makes, you believe. You are a winner!

Your life is not an utter **** up. I looked at your profile and see you are in college. That's something to be proud of. You love cooking brand new difficult recipes. That is exciting. You have a job. I hope you like it.

These are all bold and interesting things. Hardly stuff people afraid of failing would try.

I'm sorry your father made you feel this way. You can slowly overcome this. We all fail at things. I hate to say it but you will goof something up again. It's okay though. No one is pefect.

You have done amazing things in your life and you are still young! You have so much out there to try and experience. Start with small goals. You can make your life as great as you want it to be. Just start slowly.