Always.....

I've been rejected for numerous reasons, by numerous people, throughout my life. It started before pre-school. One of the first times I can remember is when my aunt called me "fatso" when I was about three years old. Me & my mom had been staying with my aunt & uncle since we had been kicked out of our previous place suddenly. She might have been joking, & that might not even be technically considered rejection, but it felt like it to me. I was also rejected by my cousins (her kids) while we lived there. There were plenty of times when my they would do something & purposefully exclude me from it.

But when my school years started, it got much worse. I was very overweight from about 4 years old, to about 21 or 22 when I really started to lose weight (I'm 27 now). Because of that, I spent all of my school years being rejected continuously, & excluded from everything. I was always a total outcast & everyone hated me. Including adults. I've always totally related to "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" because of it. I had very few friends growing up, but I was even excluded by them. Whenever there was more than just me & one other person, I was always the third wheel & was left out on whatever was going on. There were times when a friend would start hanging out with another friend, & completely forget about me as if we weren't even friends any longer. I had a lot of developmental problems growing up, which only led to more problems between me, my very few friends, & a lot of people who knew me. Among others, I couldn't brush my hair until I was twelve, tie my shoes til I was at least fourteen & I still played with Barbies at sixteen. That definitely affected people's views of me then, & still does now, especially with adults who knew me as a child. They all thought I was lazy & just wouldn't do anything for myself, & it wasn't that way at all. I have very serious social phobia/anxiety & may even have Asperger's Syndrome or fall somewhere on the autism spectrum, which has only made things worse.

I've even been rejected by people online.

Other than all of my previous rejections, I have a lot of fear regarding the future rejection I know I'm going to face. I'm a lesbian & come from a place in the Midwest where it's not accepted at all. Especially by family, & others I know, which is part of the reason I've never told them. Not very many people know. One person who has (until recently) been my best friend since the first grade, & a few other people know. I'm sure a lot of people suspect, but luckily, no one has ever said anything to me about it. I'm also afraid of being rejected even further if people find out that I've been receiving therapy, going to a psychiatrist, & taking medicine for the past year & a half. Besides my social phobia, I also have Bipolar 1 disorder, & am afraid of peoples reactions to that. I'm also afraid of their reactions when they find out I have Aspergers Syndrome. Either that or PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder- Not Otherwise Specified), or HFA (High Functioning Autism). I'm hoping to get tested in the not tooooo distant future & am afraid of what they'll say if & when they find out. By "they" I mean extended family members.

I've spent my entire life being rejected. I've always been an outsider & have never been understood by anyone at all. I've left a lot of stuff out because of this. A lot of the reason for this is that I'm afraid of even more rejection (in terms of comments people may make on this story), so I'm leaving them out. I carry around so many burdensome secrets, mostly because I'm afraid to be rejected. But I've been rejected, shunned, & ridiculed my entire life & don't want to deal with anymore. With that said, I still can't wait until I'm in a position to finally be rid of all these secrets. Right now it's not possible, but I know there will have to come a day when I'll be able to be completely truthful, without having to worry too much about the rejection I'm going to face. Right now, I'm still (even at my age) not independent enough for that to happen. But when the day comes, I'll be so relieved to have some of these burdens lifted away.

lyricalongings lyricalongings
31-35, F
5 Responses Feb 20, 2009

I just want to squeeze and hug you to death....lol well maybe not to death. I have a fear of rejection to. that prevents me from expressing to much....but I just want to wrap my arms around you.....not for sympathy...but for support and comfort. I know that day will come for you to...when you can just be inhibited and be yourself with out the care of being rejected...and I think you'll be happy...and there will people that love you for it and some that will reject you for it.....but the people that matter will be there no matter what. ((hugs))

making fun of you or making you feel insecure is just them transferring that insecurity off themselves to someone else. It's awful, and you don't have to be a recipient of it! : )

Oh good. That's not professional that she's judgmental. <br />
Does your town have some arts and culture newspapers? You can find a bunch of different groups there that share your interests. These type of people aren't judgmental. Develop your hobbies; do what you love. You'll get so involved with that, everything else will melt away. Before you know it, you'll have supportive friends, and people will admire you for you.<br />
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Your story has moved me. I was also not very popular growing up, because I wasn't American but from foreign parents. And kids are the cruelest. And maybe you never grew out of that. The best part of being an adult is meeting new adults who don't know you were outcasted as a kid, and they have to be polite and courteous. Adult bullies aren't as common as children bullies, and if there are any.... guess what, they're insecure themselves! And

Tomolan, I know you were probably trying to be helpful, but that's not the way your message came across to me. It makes me want to start getting defensive which I'm trying not to do (at least not much). But I am going to say that I did not come from a home without love & I do have good personal hygiene & I do present myself well in public. I have never "thrived" in any social situation because I have never been able to interract with others in that way. It's not something you will ever undrestand, so I'm not going to try explaining it.<br />
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Thanks, girlgirl24, I do hope that someday I'll have some sort-of support system, but right now, I don't. Although I know that would help. As for my therapist, she's no help lol & is judgmental (though they're not supposed to be), but I'm changing to a new one soon & hope I'll have more luck.

You go girl!!<br />
It's hard when family is not supportive of you. <br />
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You need to find some support. Friends, a niche, a community. Get involved with other people.<br />
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I know it's hard for you, but what's there to be scared of? Are you going to die from taking a stand, is someone going to hate what you do and kill you? NO! <br />
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It will be so exhilirating when you progress and step out and live your growth.<br />
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If you feel burdened, tell your psych everything! Drop it off! Toss it out! Take out the garbage! Get it out of your body. They can't disclose to anyone.<br />
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Empower yourself.