Want It, Need It, Can't Have It

I'm a 23 year old guy and still a virgin. I absolutely hate this about myself. From a very young age I can remember thinking about sex (as far as I understood it at the time) and I always had an active sexual imagination. I'm completely straight and that has never been in question by myself or others and yet I've never had sex with a girl. I'll be honest and say I'm a pretty decent looking guy. I'm satisfied with the way I look and I've been told enough times that I'm good looking, so needless to say I've had many opportunities to have sex. The problem always lies in the moment when things start getting heated between me and a girl. The moment I know sex is a possibility my interest in it completely dies. I go into a "flight" response and no matter how long the making out or me playing with her body (for lack of a better term) I cannot find a sexual drive. To be a little more graphic for a second: I've kissed plenty of girls, used my fingers on several..., given oral sex, and had a few attempt oral sex on me - all to no avail.

My first sexual experience was with a beautiful girl that I fantasized about both before and after our failed attempts to have any kind of sex. I was 18 and I was more than sure I wanted to have sex, at least until I got into the moment when I could have. She had sex before and that did affect my confidence a little. I was also drinking alcohol that night and in retrospect think that could have also affected my abilities. The combination of my nerves and the alcohol proved deadly, as I was completely unable to get or maintain an erection, even when I tried to stimulate myself in private. It was a dreadful experience and one I still haven't recovered from to this day.

The day after this experience, I was very down on myself. So ashamed. My closest guy friend knew about it and I was extremely embarrassed of myself although he had never had sex himself. That night I found myself in the same circumstance...with a different girl (and equally attractive I might add). This night I was even drunker and not even expecting the opportunity but it arose and I tried again. Things went even further, but from the moment we got in her room and I knew we were going to attempt some form of sex I felt like I wasn't going to be able to do it. Sure enough, I couldn't. Talk about a 1-2 combination, failing on back to back nights with two beautiful, willing girls. I tried several more times with the first girl before she left (she was from out of town) and still nothing was doing. It was the summer between highschool and college, and it sent me off on my collegiate journey feeling like I wasn't a man. Terrific timing, huh?

Anyways, here I am, nearly 5 years later, with the exact same sexual resume. Granted, there were other girls in that time frame that I had similar results with and so many girls that I avoided altogether thinking I was outmatched before I even tried. Within the past year I learned to be intimate and that was big for me, but it didn't change the fact that I couldn't have sex with the girl I was being intimate with.

The best thing about all of it is that none of my friends or the girls I was attempting to have sex with (minus the first one) think I'm a virgin. I've always just lied and said I wasn't or they haven't even bothered asking, most likely just assuming I wasn't. If they would ask for stories I would just say I don't like talking about that stuff and people would leave it alone. No matter how much I try to tell myself that my experiences (and lack thereof) have made me into the person I am today (which sometimes I'm very proud of, but the majority of the time disgusted with), I still always always always think of how much better I could be if I could go back and change that very first experience.

At some point in my life I made an association with my religious beliefs and the act of having sex, that deep down I feel that if I have sex I'm going to die. I don't even believe in god these days and religion is not a part of my life (I am not an atheist, I just have no affiliation with religion), and yet I still cannot shake this thought.  I went through a nearly 3 year period where I had intense anxiety caused by my fear of death. I've always felt that if I had sex it would make me into the person I've always strived to be, so when I was going through this battle with anxiety I again thought it would be sex that saved me from it. Now that I've come out of the anxiety and still not had sex I'm realizing I'm as lost and as disappointed with my life as ever.

I'm sure I need to see a therapist about all of this but I would appreciate any insight from those who took the time to read my lengthy story. I've just been in a terrible mental cycle for so long and really need to take control of my life.


bin496 bin496
22-25, M
1 Response Feb 11, 2010

Wow I just read your comment and I felt extremely identified. I'm the same age, also good looking and popular among girls, and I also have the same problem. I like girls and I sometimes watch **** and I get extremely horny with it. But the problem is when I get into the room with the girl. I also lose the interest and I even get sleepy. I don't get it, somehow sex makes me extremely nervous. My girl really tries hard and sometimes she achieve something but in the very moment when I'm about to penetrate her I somehow lose the interest again. Then she tries again but I'm usually too embarrassed already to get any horny.<br />
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That's it, looks like it happens to many guys. If you find the way to solve this please let me know.