If Only I Knew

I am afraid that future has nothing in store for me. I am already married, have a baby, have a decent education and job. I have a small apartment and make enough to pay the bills.

A common life, but what scares me is that I am already what I am supposed to be, and there is nothing to look forward to.

I always liked the question of "what would you want to be when you grow up?"

And now I am a grown up and I am nothing like I imagined I would be, and I will never have the chance to be that. What scares me is that I have reached the finish line, I am already all that I can be!

that's a nightmare.

LordVoldemort LordVoldemort
36-40, F
28 Responses Mar 28, 2009

Future's definitely uncertain. I m waiting for my admission in a decent med school and i m tired. i just want to get over with it

@ Anon: such a great suggestion, I have been thinking about that,<br />
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Maybe it's not over for me yet!

Why not give yourself a long term project, learn and instrument or take an art class? It might be the depth you're looking for. <br />
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Also, as long as you and your family is healthy, that is ALL that matters.

What surprise?

Your not done by a long shot, but I won't spoil the surprise.

@ LA: routine sucks, but sometimes it's necessary<br />
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@ CH: I plan to<br />
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@ BB: I do

Try to look at the bright side

Change your routine, do a small thing you like in your life.

I hate routines too

@ Kikinha: I am sorry of I sounded unappreciative and dissatisfied, but I was just whining about the routine life.

@ dimitria: thank you for your comment, you are right, sometimes we just have to wish for the best. and there is nothing else we can do.<br />
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@ just Tom: Thank you, really wise and understanding. I agree with you. I shouldn't judge myself by my 20 years ago point of view.

It might be so difficult to do what you doing... at least i think so. I dream with this stability, after having thrown away all I had, changed my country for love... i lost all my references of "having", because one day I felt like you do now. Looking back I realized that i made a choice, love was a choice that had to please me in a certain way - nothing please us in all ways. You said you have a child. That alone must be a lot. It is so much given - i think that it is temporary - now you might need it - if you are thinking of it it is because you preparing yourself to not feel lonely when your kid start to think of her own discoveries and accomplishments. i think you good - what you do best, you like doing most? what you have to do to get it? Little changes are happening but the structure might be preventing you from seeing it. best wishes on your discoveries! Know that this feelings come with your need to have several plans and things going on... I have been sewing to get away from my indecision about all this choices, and you know: each result make me wonder where I could go sewing.

There are always points in life where we feel frustrated, unfulfilled or trapped by circumstances. You seem to be viewing your life at this moment from a point of view that you had five or ten years ago...about what you might have accomplished by now.<br />
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All of these perspectives change throughout life. I am now 55 and have been extremely frustrated at different points of life with career, family, myself, whatever. However, I know that TODAY I would not be happy with what I thought would make me happy when I was 28..or 35. <br />
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SOunds simplistic, but there is something to be said for letting life come to you & along the way each day trying to find the small things that will encourage and fullfil you.<br />
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Corny....I think it's a James Taylor song that has a line "the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time". When i was in my 30's I would have thought that was moronic! Now, although I fail at accomplishing it most of the time, I reconize the truth in it

I am sorry for you. But I also want to say that I am one that is afraid of the future and It's hard to think about it sometimes. I just close my eyes make a wish and see what happens.

Thank you, it means a lot to have someone who understands

Dear all, I am not dissatisfied with my life, I have amazing moments in my life, I do appreciate all that I have earned in life.<br />
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There are so many things in life that I wish to do.<br />
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I didn't mean to sound disappointed or unappreciative, I just have reached the place in my life when everything is a routine and there seems to be no surprises in the horizon.<br />
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I feel trapped

Mayb u have earned the basic things in life like family,job etc.but still there should be some things u always wanted to do and never attempted yet.taking a new class,course or hobby or u can just relax with ur relatives and friends.there are so much thngs in life!u w0nt get ur list d0ne in a lifE time!

Are you angry? Sometimes feeling depressed is from repressing anger? Or perhaps you are isolated? I was depressed alot as a stay at home mom. It got better when the kids got older and started doing activities where I met other parents. If you kids a babies/toddlers maybe you can join a play group. You can always further yourself here and now with the internet. Come on .. you can't have become all you can be! I believe we use 10% of our brain's potential. Don't lose yourself in motherhood. You can be a good mom while being a friend to yourself. Take time for yourself .. for socializing, for exercising, for education. I let myself go during the 14 years I was home with kids. I sacraficed my health, intellect, self for them in order to be "the good mother". I ended up not being the best mom I could have been. I got fat, high blood pressure, depressed, anxious and even suicidal. The past year I've reversed. I've put myself first by losing weight, socializing more, going back to school and sticking up to everyone who resented this change in me.

nonsense i bet you have lots of those wonderfull moments, lots of people wish for. ~~ i wish i could be in the place u r now! i would sit back and enjoy all the small moments :-)

Since you feel disatified with your current situation, perhaps you need to explore other things that you want to do or experience.Sit someplace where you can quietly think w/o being interrupted for a while with paper and pen and brainstorm. Ley your mind go free, don't censor your thoughts. What would you like to be able to do. What did you used to be interested in? What catches your attention today? What intrigues you that you are unfamiliar with? Put down what ever comes to mind, no matter how weird, far out,beyond your reach. After about an hour. Stop and put it away. Wait a while -- a day, a few days -- and let your mind roam over your thoughts when ever you have an odd moment, but don't focus on it. If something does make an impression, jot it down somewhere for reference. After a few days, come back and look at your brainstormin and really analyze it. Put things in categories if possible. Are there somethings that seem to go together? Are your ideas related in anyway? is there any kind of theme? Do some fall into a creative category? Do some fall more in a work category? Do others seem to be more emotional in content? Don't try to rate anything as feasible or impossible -- just try to get ideas about what appeals to you, interests you, intrigues you. Spend an hour or so organizing and analyzing what you have put down. Then put it away for a few more days, and let your mind process what you have done. Later, come back and brainstorm again. See if anything new or different comes up. use your jottings if necessary. Does your mind seem to go more in one direction now? Do certain things feel more interesting? Depending on you, you might want to do this more than once. If certain things really draw you, do some research? Can you do this w/o further preparation? Now think how feasible they are financially, physically,etc. If you feel really excited about some things, check it out more, get more data, start to think of it/them as a possibility in your life. Depending on what you come up with, we can talk about this again later! Good thinking!

I'm sure you can be more. I'm sure you will be more. Set some goals? Are you a stay at home mom? Are you isolated? <br />
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You are the artist of your life. You create your destiny. I am 47 and I've been a stay home mom for 15 years now. I've been out of the workforce longer than in it! I've made new goals for myself to further my education. I also seek independence from my controlling manipulative husband. I want to become educated. That wasn't a priority during my first half of life, but it is now. The future is brighter than when my kids were toddling around in diapers. <br />
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Think, feel, then act. You can grow and change. You are in charge of your thoughts and decisions about your life.

Thanks, that is exactly how I feel.

@ Steve: I didn't want to sound ungrateful, just things never turn out how I imagined them. Thank you for the comment<br />
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@ Lacey: Yes, you are right, each day is a gift, but I don't see any surprises. My days are so predictable. Thanks

It's not uncommon to feel that we could have achieved more. There are always contempories that have gone on to great things and we also had dreams of what we might be. I spent 9 years in a job living a so so existence. Had a kid and enough to pay the bills. Then I took an opportunity and after a feew years owned a piece of a company. Shares, expenses and a good car. I lived well for the next few years and then came the downturn. After losing most everything I now appreciate what it is to have a comfortable life with a bit of security. It probably takes the actual experience to change one's view but the experience of the last 18 months is not pleasant. I mention in one of my blogs recently about doing some volunteering with handicapped people. It was very rewarding. Achievement comes in many ways, a family and a comfortable home are now "what I want to be when I grow up"

Yes, I got far. I worked really hard for things I have.<br />
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at least you got that far

@ man cut out, thanks but I feel trapped in everyday tasks.<br />
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@ App: I am thankful, thank you

count your blessings, dear mahsa. :)<br />
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you have more than enough to be thankful for!