Definitely This.....

I write about this situation a LOT in my stories so apologies for that but it helps to illustrate my point. I have a mentally ill 18 year old sister. My parents are in denial over her issues and so it has effectively been left to me. I am single and have no friends so it has been REALLY tough. About two weeks ago, I couldn't handle it anymore and ended up letting it slip to a colleague. She ignored the text but then came to see me a few days later and cuddled me/supported me. However, since then I feel like she expects me to have sorted it all and I feel pressurised to give her a positive update everytime I see her. She has said she doesn't understand how people can feel suicidal so it makes me think that maybe she judges my sister and me. She may not but it feels that way and I am starting to feel uncomfortable and embarrassed around her. I would hate to think that she sees me differently now but if she does, I know that says more about her then me.

I also get paranoid at people finding out how small and pathetic my life is. I have a job working in daycare but my social life is non existent. I only really socialise with siblings. People say "join a club" but there are hardly any in my area. I feel really depressed over it and feel like if people knew they would see me differently. Being in my twenties, I am still in that age group where my peers are all out partying every Friday and Saturday night and it hurts that I am not. I am sure others would see me as a complete loser or defective if they knew and it makes it hard for me to stay confident within myself.

I know I worry WAY too much about what people think of me but I can't help it. It's just the way I have always been. I like to have others approval and for them to think well of me. I know that isn't always possible in life but it's hard because I think if someone doesn't like me/accept me then that must be the reason why I am so lonely.
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May 25, 2012