This Is the Fear That Lead Me Down My Current Path
I dated guys who I wasn't really interested in because I was afraid I'd end up alone. I married my husband for the same reason. Now, I live in a house with my husband and kids, and for the most part, I am alone.
My boys love me to death. To some extent, I think my husband may still love me too. Yet, I'm alone and lonely all the time. Adult conversation is rare. When it does happen, we have a hard time because we don't share the same interests and have no desire to pretend we do.
I know that I have to cut the chord to the safety net and fly without fear of falling. Through it all is that nagging fear that I'll be spending the rest of my life alone.
During my days of clarity, I see the only difference between how I live now and how I would be living if I left, is the additional warm body in the house.
Why the fear? I am alone already....
Update June 28, 2008
While I accept the fact that this is still a very real possibility, I no longer fear it. Is it the outcome I would hope for? No, absolutely not. However, being alone and being lonely are two different things. I can and will accept being alone if that is where my path leads, but I will NOT accept being lonely ever again, although I'm sure I will continue to experience it from time to time. I am human after all.