This Is the Fear That Lead Me Down My Current Path

I dated guys who I wasn't really interested in because I was afraid I'd end up alone.  I married my husband for the same reason.  Now, I live in a house with my husband and kids, and for the most part, I am alone. 

My boys love me to death.  To some extent, I think my husband may still love me too.  Yet, I'm alone and lonely all the time.  Adult conversation is rare.  When it does happen, we have a hard time because we don't share the same interests and have no desire to pretend we do.

I know that I have to cut the chord to the safety net and fly without fear of falling.  Through it all is that nagging fear that I'll be spending the rest of my life alone.

During my days of clarity, I see the only difference between how I live now and how I would be living if I left, is the additional warm body in the house.

Why the  fear?  I am alone already....


Update June 28, 2008

While I accept the fact that this is still a very real possibility, I no longer fear it.  Is it the outcome I would hope for?  No, absolutely not.  However, being alone and being lonely are two different things.  I can and will accept being alone if that is where my path leads, but I will NOT accept being lonely ever again, although I'm sure I will continue to experience it from time to time.  I am human after all.


goddessone goddessone
41-45, F
17 Responses Mar 30, 2008

I have just gone through a divorce, after 35 years of being married. She kind of stated the same things as you do, but once all that was on the table, and i wanted to change things- after all we had made a sacred committment- she just walked away. I beleive there are always things that can be done to improve/ change ourselves. After all, we are people- capable of adapting and changing. Message me if you'd like- just to talk. After all, I am alone now.

That sounds familiar. I married my ex-wife so I could have a friend that I could be with, instead of someone who would just leave me. It sounds pathetic to sleep with someone just to get friendship, but friendship is a human need after all, and I'm not a very social person. Too bad our marriage only lasted 6 months...

Ladee, I'm in tears...thank you for such kind words...

Scubbs, I don't bother checking the profiles of those who judge me anymore....but I do thank you for pointing that experience out to me.<br />
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I like the way you stated your hits home...

thank you both

IDM, I don't know you but I believe you know what is best for you. We all have our inner voice.

Gamine, don't be a judgemental *** on the basis of one story. :P<br />
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You are so strong, IDM...harness the strength and fly.

Gamine, I do have a life...oh forget it...for whatever reason, I've become the person to slam....go ahead...there are plenty more of my stories on EP...slam away...judge all you want...

You guys are all nuts if you think that a divorce is the right solution to this poor woman's situation. I bet she's going to make the same mistake again with the next guy... You made the decision to get why ruin your kid's home? Get a life first. Make new friendships, do some good in the world, help others, then you'll have something really to talk about. If when your youngest son goes off to college, you're still bored and lonely...then get your divorce. Seriously, there's no excuse for boredom. You don't deserve more.


You are true person of the EP. That's why we love you.

Maisie, it's funny how we've "known" each other for so long, but had no idea how similar our lives are. We are a twin team and God help those who get in our way!!<br />
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Kik, thank you for sending me that post. I will reach out to her and offer her try to find the words of encouragement she needs. Thank you.<br />
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To my friends who read this post, please take a look at the story Kik has referenced. Take the time to send the author a hug or a smile to remind her that as long as she is on EP, she is never truly alone.<br />
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Paulie, thank you for the sentiment, and thank you for being a friend, both here on EP and in the real world.

you may look at<br />
and leave some message to her

I would think , there is a lot more suffering , being alone with someone, then just being alone with yourself...please try to regain you identity. And find someone you both could share a life together....<br />
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just my thoughts..and I know it's hard...:-(

Thanks . It is not easy to leave a comfort zone shall we say, hurts but can be done. HUGS

Great way of putting it....and congratulations on having the courage to take the steps you needed to

I have always said if i am a ghost with you i may as well ...Be a ghost! I would rather be alone so i left.HUGS