The Cowards Way Out - In His Own Words...

I am coping with my 2nd husband walking out on me. Not the fact that he did, because I knew that was coming, in fact we both knew what was going to happen, why it was going to happen it was just the when.  Thankfully, he left on his own, and I did not have to face this man that changed and SCREAMED IN MY FACE!  I never knew he was like that for at least 14 years.  He proclaimed his love to me at least 10 times a day by phone, text, email and in person right up until the day he left.  He used the word LOVE so loosely.  It was actually irritating. 
Where was the love?  Was it in the days, months, years of his sulking endlessly that he did not have enough money to buy the toys he wanted?  Grown up toys, boats, remote control cars, airplanes, trucks, full sized motor boats, sports memorabilia, game consoles – WII, Playstation , laptops and computers? 
“You can buy this for my birthday” he told me – 6 months beforehand.  He would hand me a list of something above, then ask… “Did you buy my present yet?”  Like a child, then I would have to say “no, it’s not your birthday yet.”  The sulking would begin, for days at a time.  Like a young boy, he would ignore me, snare at me, or just stop pouring coffee for me in the morning.  (A daily routine, - one of many)  
He would send me endless emails with the links to the specific item he wanted for his “birthday, Fathers day”  even the Fourth of July - any holiday he could come up with.  
Did he ever ask what I wanted?  What I would like?  NO! 
So eventually, after two or more days of being treated like the enemy, I would go out and purchase the items, he asked for.  Why he did not use his own money?  Well, he had no money, because he had so many bills from all of the credit cards he ran up buying toys for himself.   By the time he paid his bills, there was none left.  Not for the household, not for the groceries, not for gas,,, it was horrible.
I was made to feel like the villain… I didn’t understand… all his friends had their toys,, why couldn’t’ he have his?  Well, first of all it wasn’t up to Me to make the decision.. I never told him what he could have or not have.  I just went to work every day,, to  pay the bills, to keep the kids clothed, fed, and in their activities. 
Meanwhile – he was out doing his “own” thing.  
How stupid of me to sit and just take this for 4 the last four years of our marriage!   I trusted him, I loved him, .. he took advantage of me, and made me feel like I was the best thing, as long as he got what he wanted. 
I put myself last… for 15 years,, I put the kids needs and my husbands’ needs ahead of me.  I thought he loved me.  I heard it 10 – 20 times a day.  I feel so used and so stupid now, after all this time….
I was so relieved the day he “texted” me… I know this is the cowards way out, but I need a break from you.  A break from me?  What???? Well, I told him, you don’t ever need to come back!  We split that day, and I NEVER spoke to him again!  We got a simple divorce, it only took 2 months from start to finish.  He left the first week of September, and the divorce was final the first week of November. 
Well, now here I sit… I have given the last 25 years to my first husband of `11 years, who I have no issues with. (We married young and are still friendly as we need to be for the kids.)  The kids are aged 25 to 17….and my second husband of 13 yrs.  2 yrs dating….
I am alone.  My children have all grown, except for the youngest.   She is very busy in sports, school and doing everything a young adult should be doing… preparing for the future. 
My older children have moved on in their own rites – 2 of them live with me as they moved out and back, but they work full time, go to school, have their social lives,,, and then my number 3.. my shining star.. is in college, building her future – such a good girl, I am sooo proud of her. 
I am proud of all of my accomplishments.  I have 4 lovely children….. my accomplishments.  I have a great job that I love and have been there for almost 10 years.  I have separated myself from my job and personal life over the years as with my husband the way he was, he did not want to go to work functions and berated me and belittled me if I left him home alone for 4 hours or more.  ( I didn’t love him if I wasn’t by his side every night) 
Again, I am here, alone… he is gone. I don’t know myself.  He was my interest, my kids were my interest.  I don’t even know WHAT I LIKE???
I was brought up in a loving home, with professional parents.  They both had Masters Degrees and held great jobs in the community, they cultured me and my 4 older sisters in the Arts, Fine Arts, The Symphony, Ballet, Shakespearean Theatre.  We travelled up and down the Eastern Seaboard visiting all of the Historical Landmarks from Maine to Florida. 
But, I still don’t know anything about me!  I thought I knew what love was,,, well I know how to love a child.  I love all of my children unconditionally, I do not enable them, I do not coddle them, I taught them tolerance, Boy did I teach them tolerance…. (my ex)  I put up with more crap and never ever raised my voice… I got my point across though.  I taught my children to lead by example.  I taught them to work hard and you will reap the benefits.  I taught them to be compassionate to others who needed a helping hand.  I purchased extra school supplies for their classmates, sent them to school with them and had them anonymously present them to the teacher so they could learn how great it feels to give to others less fortunate.  We volunteered for all of the school events, daycare events, and community events.  I too cultured my children and shared my love of the arts….
So here I sit ALONE…. I have no friends – my work does not permit me to socialize with most of them….. so now what?  I have no one to talk to.. I don’t need a counselor.  I need a friend, someone to bounce my feelings off of.  Someone to tell me I am doing wrong or right.   I don’t want to be alone.  I want someone to listen to me when I am sad and laugh with me at quirky jokes that only we understand.  
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Jan 10, 2012