Even If I Am Still Married

I am at one of those ages where you start to question your life and look back and look forward - you discover that you aren't necessarily young any more even though you aren't really old either.  It makes me examine everything - and for some, this is an exciting opportunity - for me - it has and is damn depressing!

I don't have a good marriage, really haven't ever.  I am not abused physically and he hasn't gone elsewhere to meet his needs, but I feel emotionally empty from years of being lonely, feeling unloved, not being partners, arguing all of the time, and discovering that you have very little in common - you really never did - the dating time - it was an act to hook me (admits it!).

So, I am really lonely all of the time, I am struggling with depression - just trying to keep my head above water, and I have 2 children that will be affected negatively if I choose to leave their father in the near future.  I just don't think  I have any right to leave, and any way, what would I have to go to?  I haven't worked professionally in 10 years, I don't have any money of my own, I don't want my children to have to, for the first time in their lives, go to before and after school care - I want to be there when they come home and when they leave.

So, I stay - but I am really done with the marriage and the hope that my marriage will ever meet any needs that I have.  I am just at the point, where I will stay, keep things peaceful and wait it out while giving my children the best that I can.

So, what becomes of me when I leave my husband - when I finally decide that the children will understand (thinking after they are both at least in college) why I am leaving?  I will tell you what happens - I will be at least 53 or 54, trying to find a job and struggling to live on my own - something that I will not have done (by then) in at least 25 years!  And the big thing - I WILL BE ALONE!

I fear that by that time, I will have missed any chance to find the love that I have always wanted - I don't need perfection but I would really like to be involved with someone that I am best friends with and will be my partner and will want to be with me even when he doesn't have to - will be fun-loving and interested in a lot of the same things as me and who will TALK to me!  The likeliness of that happening - not good!

So, sometimes, I feel like my life from now on is all about raising my children to be healthy, happy, responsible adults - my life is them - until they move out and move on (which I want them to do) - then my life will be BLANK.

Yeah, I am sounding pretty desolate and hopeless, and I may snap out of this low, but these thoughts have been really running through my head for quite awhile now, and I don't know really how to snap out of it, because I think I am right on with my prediction of my future.

So, now that I have thoroughly depressed myself, I will end this little "fun" post.

AnalyticalAly AnalyticalAly
41-45, F
8 Responses Mar 11, 2009

I understand exactly what you are going through because I think that my wife must have been feeling pretty much the same way as you are, but held everything in and never told me how unhappy she was until she had already decided to leave me. Turns out the she was going through some kind of mid-life crisis or something and instead of trying to work things out with me she decided to move out. I suspect that she had an affair with a co-worker behind my back, or at least plans to be with other men, because when she moved out she told me that it was ok for me to date other women. I have had thought and fantasies of cheating on her myself (my own mid-life crisis of sorts), but nothing that I have or would ever act upon. I have never cheated on my wife even when I had opportunities to because I loved her and would never hurt her that way. Now I wonder if I should have left her for someone else years ago before she could hurt me the way she has. I miss her so much, but I'm so angry at her at the same time. I still love her in spite of all the pain that she has caused me, but I don't know if I can ever forgive her or if we will be able to work things out to get back together and save our marriage.

I am blessed but sometimes I hesitate and I have definitely not told them how bad it can be sometimes because it makes them really sad for me and they worry! I just know they are there if I ever need them!

Not realy young and not really old. Boy, I'm right there and know that feeling.<br />
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It is really good your parents are close and you can discuss this with them. I would think anyway. I wouldn't be comfortable discussing it with mine.

I don't know about cold - Touchmenot, actually your story made me even sadder than mine. I am sorry that you are in a situation where you don't feel close to your new family, because they are your family whether you love them or not - you did know that you were marrying not only him but his family when you married, right? Now, if his children are adults, I can you not feeling responsible for them once your husband passes away, but that is sad too, because I would welcome the opportunity in my life to have as much family as possible! <br />
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I also don't agree that we all end up alone - my grandmother was not alone at the end of her life - my dad, mom and Uncle were with her - in fact, my mom says that very day that she and her brother had this wonderful time laughing with their mother over some old stories!<br />
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And finally, at this point, I do NOT think my children can tell anything - we still eat together and converse as a family; we go on outings as a family - we get along as long as we have the children with us - we make it all about having fun with THEM not each other. They already know that their mom is sad SOMETIMES, but my girls and I talk about being sad and how that is okay sometimes. At this point, I truly believe this better for them than me leaving and taking them (because I am not leaving them). My parents live close by and are aware of my feelings and I have discussed this very thing with them - and they both have agreed to help me watch for any signs that the girls know something is WRONG in their family. Quite the contrary right now - we USED to argue all of the time, but since last year when I just went numb, I refuse to engage in any arguments ESPECIALLY when they are around. If we have a big issue that is WORTH discussing further - I will go to him later that night and try TRY to work it out - he is quite passive aggressive, so sometimes I just decide it is not worth it and I give in. The only thing I will not compromise on is anything dealing with the girls - but he seems to know this and so far so good. Plus, to be honest, he is either really clueless or doesn't care, because he walks around here like everything is A-OK. I have agreed that every Friday night is "HIS" night (if you get my drift) and that seems to keep him happy, so long story even longer - I'm staying and I think it is the RIGHT decision at this time.<br />
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Thank you for your comments and keep them coming - I like having discussions - it makes me think about new things!

Wow, Touchmenot, that just strikes me as cold. Does your husband know that you have no feelings or attachment to his children? I've always thought that when you marry a person with children, unless they're criminals or something, they become your family too. I guess that's not true all the time.

No matter what with or without children we all end up alone in this life. I'm 44 and married to a man that is a father and grand father. They are not my children as I didn't have any. I helped raise them and all but I am not emotionally connected to them. I think it bothers my husband that I don't love his children as much as his late wife did but I just can't. The husband has to see a urologist every couple months as he has a tumor on his kidney and for awhile he was worried about what would happen to his sons if he died. I admit I wouldn't continue to be here for the boys as I would want to move on with my own life. I know you think being home and maintaining a lonely marriage is worth it but your children can tell you and their dad are just going through the motions and that really isn't fair to them unless you want them to think growing up in a dysfunctional family is normal and expected of them to have when they marry.

I think at some point we all realize that we do many things - including some things we'd rather not do - for the benefit of others. And I think that's even more true when it comes to our own kids.<br />
I empathize with your situation and your feelings of hopelessness. If there is any chance for reconiliation with your husband, you should try. You mention that he hasn't been awful or abusive to you, so perhaps there is still something there to build on.<br />
Good luck.

You are making the choice to stay so that the kids can have you around on a more 24x7 basis. There is nothing to feel bad about. You have made a cyhoice and you aren't hurting anyone in the process. The whole being Blank when you leave, well then you will paint a new picture. I have a feeling you will find it liberating and not as depressing as you imagine. Freedom has a way of making us all very giddy.