Can't Seem to Maintain...

I can't seem to maintain. friendships, relationships, jobs, even my moods are constantly changing and shifting. the only time i feel comfortable in social situations is when i have some sort of chemical racing through my veins. i know this sounds like a wicked addiction, but i often wonder if it is honestly the only thing keeping me going. i have plenty of friends and have had several lovers, but i carry around this guilt because i am constantly thinking of how much better life is when i am medicated. i know that the people in my life would be disappointed to find out that i would rather be on some sort of med, if i am not, in fact, actually medicated while we are together, but i have aslo noticed that my peers seem to like me better when the edges are a little blurred. whether i am drinking, popping pills, smoking or just cramming whatever is available down my throat, i know that i am simply hiding an ugly truth. i don't want to stop, and i can't come clean. nobody knows the extent of my longing. this is my secret life.

escapismartist escapismartist
22-25, F
2 Responses Jul 10, 2008

hi All.... it's the first time I join with this group, I hope that I will get something useful cause joining this group. I joined with this site about a fews days ago, I'm really happy that I could publish or share about my stories and experiences, but for this time I just could post just one stories, hehe.... it's so hard for me to post more stories, perhaps I still need to familiar with this site.<br />
For this moment I just have 2 friends here, because I dunot know how the way to invite my classmate or another friends who has already a members here, in fact I don't like to have much friend just in account. I wish to have much friend, that really really share and now each other deeply. here they are karissaxx22 & CFOM, I like them, even I just only have them, but they always react and respect to me, when I send them message, they answer it, when I have a question about this site they show me the way. It's really make me happy joining with this site. For the future, I hope that I find some good friends here.<br />
O,yeah... before I end this comment, I'd like to utter about "Sober", it's very easy to say it, isn't it? mm... ofcourse, every one will get 1000% point to say it properly. I'm sure, it's hard to be sober people in this era. we should have such like a habit for it, and it's need a loooooooooooong time to plant it in our hearth!<br />
yeah.. that's all...

It's your perception that people like you better when you're semi out of it on drugs or alcohol. The reality is probably the reverse.