I'm Scared To Fall In Love Again.


I'm scared to fall in love again. I've been burned so much in my life both in family and in heart. For me There has probably only been one person in my life who has loved me back or returned my feelings of love for them when I did. As it stands now she’s the only person who I've let get close to me in relationships since maybe around 11th grade. However do to her not trusting me or seeing the small things I would do for her she left me thinking I wanted more when all I wanted from her was her love. It’s been since 11th grade that I started noticing the change in me. It’s funny because I actually told myself in my head (as if from some movie where an important realization was to finally be realized) "I'm going to lose myself if I don't find someone for me soon." I'd never found that person or even people. I think back on it now and I realize I misunderstood my feelings then. Thinking I needed to find someone in regards to a significant other was what I thought was the key (don’t get me wrong however I always looked to meet new and interesting people in my life weather male or female). Now I realize I just needed someone close to me to be a friend. However as things have progressed in the most negative of ways since 11th grade I have changed in a more negative way. I use to be a major romantic when I was younger caring about the feelings and thoughts of who I was interested in or with. I’d always try to be me around them a show them I cared and was genuine and considerate about them and even those outside of them and myself.  Now I could care less about stuff like that. Where cheating was a huge no-no in my book and I considered myself a one woman man. I’ve cheated on one of my girlfriends with another woman (who knew I was dating the other) and I had no remorse for doing so. However Karma has a way of coming back on you lol when I left to head off to school (By that time I’d cut it off with my other lover for the sake of being fair to my G.F.) she ended up breaking up with me. I don’t like the fact that I’m not as considerate or sweet like that anymore and that I’ve done something like that. And being honest with myself I know that at this point in time I’d more than likely do it again with no real regrets for doing so. I do believe that the reason for these changes is due in part to the fact that as I grew up I realized there never any people who really even appreciate a romantic type so in some aspects I've cut it out. However maybe it was in too much of a way. Now I don't really much care for people like I use to when I was younger. I care but I don’t really feel like I’m all there when I try to be there for people who are new in my life. I feel like there is a battle going on within my being and it’s damn near on even terms with one another so it’s neutralizing itself out. I feel like I can only go 50% with anything and its slowly lowering down. 

I think this is due to not really having anyone see or appreciate me for the person I am.  It’s because of that why I can’t do the same for myself either. So now I don't to do the same for others. My goal in life aside form my own personal success was to let anyone and everyone who came in my life know that I was that person who was real and who was going to be there for them so long as they wanted me to and even a little beyond that in the sense of if they didn't want me around. But now I've given up hope on people to an extent. It's weird for me because I’m the person that despite all the **** that happens to me in my life I would always bounce back with renewed hope. Now that hope isn’t returning. It’s just turning in and on itself destroying itself.  I don't want it but there has been to long of a time where I've not been able to open up to someone without upsetting them or having them misunderstands me just because my thoughts an views are different. I don't want to keep putting in so much of myself into people I care about or have an interest in and having nothing being returned back. I'm so tired of feeling so insignificant to people I consider really important to me. Believe it or not I think this has a huge part to do with my looks. I had one friend/interest I was trying to get with named Jessica... I asked her out a told her she could trust me and count on me to be there for her with no wavering of my feelings towards her so long as she wanted. She told me she wasn't ready for a relationship and that she had trust issues so there was no way she could honestly believe what I said. I was find with that an understood everyone has their trust issues. It didn't bother me till a few weeks later I find out she’s only talked to this guy once and after a bunch of bs with a friend of hers (Bobby (female)) and him ( he was trying to get with before he saw her picture (Jessica’s) and after knowing has done all this b.s. to Bobby and her feelings she still thinks she can trust the guy because he's never done anything like that before (mind you she’s only talked to him once and yea he's a good looking guy according to the both of them). To me this is like the biggest slap in the face you know. I feel like I could never get close to anyone or love because of **** like this and too much to account for from beforehand and since after. Today I found myself thinking maybe I could be happy with my co-worker and instantly I rejected the thought. I don't want to do that but I'm so scared of catching deep feelings for anyone because of the constant and always reoccurring human nature that takes place in people. I am the kind of guy that when I invest into a person in with my feelings I truly do but no one’s recognizes that from me. I'm seen as someone who’s just going to play with that person. uhhgg sorry if this is a bit confusing for anyone.

I hate that I’m so afraid to love but as it stands now I feel like I’m on a higher understanding than most people and because of it I’m suffering. I don’t want to deal with people who are (an I don’t mean to sound pretentious when I say this) on a lower mental level than I am. Or maybe maturity is the better word for it no. I don’t wanna deal with the stress of having to dumb myself down so I don’t hurt their feelings because they don’t see why or where I’m coming form with my view. I don’t wanna have to stuff all of my thoughts an feelings inside an have no one to open up to or vent with because either people say I’m wrong about what I think or completely misunderstand me an end up wanting to leave me out my life.

VashTheKing VashTheKing
18-21, M
6 Responses Apr 30, 2010

I say just be yourself. If you are trying to be everything to every girl, the right one will never find you. You need someone who loves you for you. You will never be happy trying to be something you're not or something you think she wants. I would guess that about 80% of the population shouldn't be in relationships, so yeah its hard to find the right person, but if you settle for the wrong person, you will never find the right person. Most people are emotionally immature & don't know what they want or need in a relationship & mostly don't know themselves. Especially younger people, but not always. If a girl says she likes bad boys, then she doesn't really respect herself or she's just really emotionally immature. There are a lot of girls out there that like intelligent, considerate men.

Wow, it's been a while since I first wrote this post and as it stands now thing as far as myself have been getting better. Romance/GF wise it's no big thing to me anymore granted I still try to see where things go. I just want to say first off that M1kaela... what you said just... clicked. A lot. For a long time I've been trying to figure out what it is and you've made it make sense in my head. Thanks. I never thought of it as females wanting to see that side they keep hidden and then keeping it for themselves. It's Genius actually and very interesting to me. I'll def take your advice to heart about it.

Be yourself... be yourself... be yourself..., i followed that advise so many times only ended with sorrow. Sorry, I don't believe that anymore. I think you have to treat each girl differently, stop doing stuff ba<x>sed on what you read on internet. Every girl are different, be smart, and knows what will attract her and what will drive her away. Not easy, if it's easy, no one is reading this page right now.

that's so weird........... i didn't know guys could feel like that. well i imagined you have feelings too, but not like that, you think exactly like we do. it's not just, "hey man, i banged a chick the other day", what is exactly how most guys i know are. i read your story, and my friend, i agree with DennisMenace99. if i could change some names, that could be the story of my life. i found that story after i googled "i'm afraid to fall in love", so, i guess i'm not really the right person to give you advices on this matter. <br />
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i just wanted to tell you that, yeah, women don't fall for the romantic guy, we usually fall for the bad boy, but after you fall for the bad boy, you really want him to show you his romantic side that no one else knows......... it's just, we want the romantic guy, but we only want us to know that he is romantic. we really like to find out his hidden sides that no one else knows, just us. that's what makes me fall in love. the hidden side of him. the good hidden side of him. We like when a man, is a butchy man. Why actually prefer that kind of men. But every now and then, we really could use some feelings in the relationship. like when he has a drink or two, and says how much he loves us, and the next day pretends that nothing happened. Or when he says how lame romantic movies are, but you sometime might catch him secretly getting touched by them. When guys say they like romantic movies, it’s really weird. Weird, because, I don’t even like romantic movies, and I’m a girl. They are so f****** lame. They don’t have any messages in them. Just that, you will someday have a lovely marriage, and have lovely kids, and a lovely dog, and a lovely husband, and a lovely house with green lawn. Seriously, who wants that? It’s boring, and come on! We are not in the dark ages anymore. Nowadays, we actually have a choice. So, when he says he likes romantic movies, he is probably lying. The guy who really likes romantic movies, doesn’t show it. The only guys who show it, are the ones who just want to convice you that are romantic, so they could be awarded afterwards. Come on guys, only a silly girl would fall for that, and you don’t want a silly girl, do you? For example, the last guy I met, he kept giving me compliments, and how I’m the girl he would like to marry me someday, and he even once called my dad his “father-in-law”! And I know how weird this is gonna sound, but I think the guy actually meant all of that. I understood that at the end. At the beggining, all I kept thinking was: “he must be such a dork if he thinks that will work on me”, and he actually made me dislike him and not do anything with him, because of all that stuff. Just be original, you know? Things like: “you are the most beautiful girl in the universe”, or “I will give you the stars”, or even “I have a yaucht and really lot’s of money”, only work on a) women with no confidence, b) stupid women, c) s luts. If you just wanna be laid, be my guest. But if you want something serious, don’t try any of this s hit. You’ll either get the wrong type of girl for the wrong reason, or just be ignored. I don’t think you want any of this. <br />
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oh, and boy, do i understand about the mental level. i even feel guilty that i like classical music, and opera. i once told someone that i was going to go to see carmen, and he laughed! i go to opera just by myself, cause no one, and I mean no one, wants to join me. Sometimes, you just really want to meet someone who shares your interests. Who likes good food, and wine, and music, and can talk about politics and history, and not just about football and boxing and….. I don’t know, sports!<br />
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I’m sorry if I sounded a bit aggressive and against guys, but I’m just having a bad-guy period and I’m kinda angry with them. And I also feel that I told my story through yours. So, I guess I’m sorry again. Don’t stop being romantic. Just don’t show it immediately. Be yourself, that’s all that matters.

Well its not even that I'm afraid of love alone. I Im also afraid that I wont find someone on my mental level either. Like you know how you can talk to a child and yea its cute an fun at first but then your just like i need to change this an go hang with someone on my mental level. thats how I feel. I don't want to end up finding another person who doesn't know who they are as a persona and continues not to try and grow from where they are. I have no problem looking past my fears and getting their I'm scared i guess of meeting the same kinda people over and over again and falling in love with them where I need to fall for someone on my mental level... I don't kno if you get what I mean but yea lol

Don't get offended, but you're love life is just as screwed as mine. I'm actually in the 11th grade now and I didn't get screwed over til the ninth grade. It's kind of early I know, and I won't go into details because this is your story not mine.I do better giving advice than following it. But anyway I know Im not in any right mind to be telling you this, BUT don't wait until it's too late to fall for someone. I know how it is to be afraid to love because you don't want to get hurt again, but you have get out of it. Don't be afraid, I think once you get back in the "groove" you'll be ok. You just need to take the first step. Ask that co-worker, but TAKE IT SLOW. That's what's best for you since you're afraid. Just takeing it slow is all you need. good luck !!!!!