I'm Scared To Fall In Love Again.
I'm scared to fall in love again. I've been burned so much in my life both in family and in heart. For me There has probably only been one person in my life who has loved me back or returned my feelings of love for them when I did. As it stands now she’s the only person who I've let get close to me in relationships since maybe around 11th grade. However do to her not trusting me or seeing the small things I would do for her she left me thinking I wanted more when all I wanted from her was her love. It’s been since 11th grade that I started noticing the change in me. It’s funny because I actually told myself in my head (as if from some movie where an important realization was to finally be realized) "I'm going to lose myself if I don't find someone for me soon." I'd never found that person or even people. I think back on it now and I realize I misunderstood my feelings then. Thinking I needed to find someone in regards to a significant other was what I thought was the key (don’t get me wrong however I always looked to meet new and interesting people in my life weather male or female). Now I realize I just needed someone close to me to be a friend. However as things have progressed in the most negative of ways since 11th grade I have changed in a more negative way. I use to be a major romantic when I was younger caring about the feelings and thoughts of who I was interested in or with. I’d always try to be me around them a show them I cared and was genuine and considerate about them and even those outside of them and myself. Now I could care less about stuff like that. Where cheating was a huge no-no in my book and I considered myself a one woman man. I’ve cheated on one of my girlfriends with another woman (who knew I was dating the other) and I had no remorse for doing so. However Karma has a way of coming back on you lol when I left to head off to school (By that time I’d cut it off with my other lover for the sake of being fair to my G.F.) she ended up breaking up with me. I don’t like the fact that I’m not as considerate or sweet like that anymore and that I’ve done something like that. And being honest with myself I know that at this point in time I’d more than likely do it again with no real regrets for doing so. I do believe that the reason for these changes is due in part to the fact that as I grew up I realized there never any people who really even appreciate a romantic type so in some aspects I've cut it out. However maybe it was in too much of a way. Now I don't really much care for people like I use to when I was younger. I care but I don’t really feel like I’m all there when I try to be there for people who are new in my life. I feel like there is a battle going on within my being and it’s damn near on even terms with one another so it’s neutralizing itself out. I feel like I can only go 50% with anything and its slowly lowering down.
I think this is due to not really having anyone see or appreciate me for the person I am. It’s because of that why I can’t do the same for myself either. So now I don't to do the same for others. My goal in life aside form my own personal success was to let anyone and everyone who came in my life know that I was that person who was real and who was going to be there for them so long as they wanted me to and even a little beyond that in the sense of if they didn't want me around. But now I've given up hope on people to an extent. It's weird for me because I’m the person that despite all the **** that happens to me in my life I would always bounce back with renewed hope. Now that hope isn’t returning. It’s just turning in and on itself destroying itself. I don't want it but there has been to long of a time where I've not been able to open up to someone without upsetting them or having them misunderstands me just because my thoughts an views are different. I don't want to keep putting in so much of myself into people I care about or have an interest in and having nothing being returned back. I'm so tired of feeling so insignificant to people I consider really important to me. Believe it or not I think this has a huge part to do with my looks. I had one friend/interest I was trying to get with named Jessica... I asked her out a told her she could trust me and count on me to be there for her with no wavering of my feelings towards her so long as she wanted. She told me she wasn't ready for a relationship and that she had trust issues so there was no way she could honestly believe what I said. I was find with that an understood everyone has their trust issues. It didn't bother me till a few weeks later I find out she’s only talked to this guy once and after a bunch of bs with a friend of hers (Bobby (female)) and him ( he was trying to get with before he saw her picture (Jessica’s) and after knowing has done all this b.s. to Bobby and her feelings she still thinks she can trust the guy because he's never done anything like that before (mind you she’s only talked to him once and yea he's a good looking guy according to the both of them). To me this is like the biggest slap in the face you know. I feel like I could never get close to anyone or love because of **** like this and too much to account for from beforehand and since after. Today I found myself thinking maybe I could be happy with my co-worker and instantly I rejected the thought. I don't want to do that but I'm so scared of catching deep feelings for anyone because of the constant and always reoccurring human nature that takes place in people. I am the kind of guy that when I invest into a person in with my feelings I truly do but no one’s recognizes that from me. I'm seen as someone who’s just going to play with that person. uhhgg sorry if this is a bit confusing for anyone.
I hate that I’m so afraid to love but as it stands now I feel like I’m on a higher understanding than most people and because of it I’m suffering. I don’t want to deal with people who are (an I don’t mean to sound pretentious when I say this) on a lower mental level than I am. Or maybe maturity is the better word for it no. I don’t wanna deal with the stress of having to dumb myself down so I don’t hurt their feelings because they don’t see why or where I’m coming form with my view. I don’t wanna have to stuff all of my thoughts an feelings inside an have no one to open up to or vent with because either people say I’m wrong about what I think or completely misunderstand me an end up wanting to leave me out my life.