Life Story

I`ve been searching for a group like this one for a while. I often thought I was some sort of special, weird kind, because of the emptiness I felt and continue to feel. I`m 18 years old, an age that should be glorious and wild, at least, that`s what I hear most about it...an age when you`re experiencing your first love, and many other stuff, that`s what I keep seeing around me. My life is quite different. I don`t get out of the house much, I have few friends, that lately stopped calling me, and my parents are the same, criticing folks, with so many big expectations from me...and I feel as if they are talking about totally a different person than what I am.

I`m not sure when all of this started, I believe it`s been continuously all my life, being constantly pushed and harrased by my controlling mother....she has a weird way of showing me love, I`m not sure if she ever told me that, she expects me to somehow, read in her mind, and give her all the love that she never had...and this is quite impossible for me, to fill her up, because she depends on every word that I say...many times I had to take care of her, because she has panic attacks all the time and never addmits it...I believe this is where I learned and developed step by step, how to control things, how to wear a mask in front of my parents because every time I wanted to expose my real fears and feelings towards her, she had no reaction, she started criticing me over and over again, telling me how good others are, that`s her favourite part, and how amazing she expects me to be...always expecting something, always puting me under this pressure of acomplishing something big, otherwise I will be a nobody. It`s like, my relationship with her is a trade, a business, "if you get big, momma is gonna give you a dollar"...she never accepted me as I am. Just as I am. When I was a little girl, she always told me I was too thinn compared to other kids, and when I grew, that I was too fat. I`ve been under so much pressure beliving those things all the time, that I ended up taking pills, always trying to be "liked", to become something that others wanted me to be.

In this time, I reached the age of highschool. And with my dreamy imagination, I fell in love. Of an image I made in my head I guess. I think I needed so much something to hold on to, a motivation, and I choose Him, a guy in the same class with me. It`s like I never allowed me from the start to picture myself actualy with him, only as an observer. I wanted to know him, and thjat`s mainly it. I think he considered me quite a freak or something, or thinking I want something from him, I imagine he was ashamed of me liking him. Or at least, that`s what I thought then. I couldn`t allow the idea of somebody actually likeing me, loving me...even my own mother didn`t so I didn`t expect somebody else actualy to do it....

My story of "love", if I can call it like that, is not made of pretty moments spent in two, but of moments spent with myself, thinking how nice, beautiful that person is...dreaming. As much as I could I tried to let him know me, I lift up my "wall" for him, as a friend. I let him know me somehow, I got dissapointed at times, but I don`t regret it. My only regret is that I think sometimes, what would have been if I ever told him actualy how I felt. It was very hard for me, because nobody showed me that, I was so afraid of failing, of falling, of being rejected. I thought that, by telling him, he will surely laugh or make fun of me.. so that pain would have been even bigger..I`m not sure even now, if he knows that I once, liked him. Because I never knew how and what to show him, how to behave, I tried so hard to be in a certain way, to be liked...

I remember that once, after I was very sick, depressed, very low emotionally I tried to take some pills to lose weight and be pretty and liked I thought...those pills made me even more sick, and I got even more criticism from mother, calling me a "wreck"...I had no support then...than God.

Then, when I was in my bed, suffocating, I realised that it was not me, it was not my fault that my mother and others were mad. and always upset. that THINGS didn`t depend entirely on me. That Earth, didn`t spin around because of me....that the world wars and worries would continue, even if I`m gone. That my mother won`t change her ways, even if I could possibly suffer and bleed inside. She won`t realise I need her love not her anger, and that I can`t fill her up with something that I don`t have...

At that time, after I realised those things, having them clearly in my mind I felt completely different, peaceful with what I was, just as I was. I started to allow myself to...feel. I started jogging, and talking even with the guy I used to like, and prayed that this state that I was in, never to change again...

But unforcinately, living in the same sick environment, listening to complaints and criticism all day made me close myself again, and forget how it is to feel again...hope that spending more time here, reading from other`s experiences will help me find my way back to my heart...

Thanks for reading my story, cheers from far away for everyone!

Gia

gia99 gia99
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 27, 2010

Seems like you came to some very mature conclusions on your own. By doing so, and understanding that it's your parents' that have the problems, and not you, you not only improve your own quality of life, but break the cycle for any children you may have someday. Good luck.

Thank you, I`ll definetly listen to that song! I`l try more and more to gain my life back and make a new start for myself, it`s not easy but I guess I`m happy that I`m alive and breathing :)