Ep Connections Are Hard

So, I recently discovered a kindred spirit on EP and had some amazing initial connections... We traded stories, fantasies, life experiences, and just basically stood in wonderment of each other (or so I was led to believe). We broke the ice, and even began talking on the telephone a couple of times. (She had a prepaid cell,me the same.) As the conversations grew, we both let slip some various details of our lives and turns out, I ended up locating a whole pile of her information online. It wasn't very difficult, and nothing was carefully concealed... it just worked out that way. Truth be told, I was really just hoping to find a Facebook photo or something to put a face to the voice, you know?

Anyway, it turns out that she wasn't entirely truthful with me, and right from early on I had this information, but I ignored it because little personal details just didn't matter. We were just BECOMING friends, I thought, and everything would come round in its own time. Was I hoping for more than friendship? Sure. Was that ruled out when I discovered she was approximately 20+ years my senior? Well, I wasn't sure. Age has never been a big issue for me, but this gap was a little bigger than I'd crossed before. I decided to just leave it be and see where roads took us. No need to jump the gun, and besides, I really liked this person and a great friend would be an awesome catch in itself... even if romance was not possible.

Still, we talked about our dreams and wishes and fantasized together about our ideal life with each other. The desire was definitely there. I tried working age or time into the conversation more than once, and even put her on the spot once to see if she could just come clean... and she insisted on settling for a half-truth, and gave me her age as 10-years less, and just admitted to "being a cougar." I'm not sure what purpose this served her... she knew, I thought, that I basically knew her whole story and that the age just... wouldn't hold up in court, so to speak. But I went with it.

The lingering notion was always there, however... Why was this such an issue? Why was the TRUTH such an issue? And if she would perpetuate a lie so silly and obvious, what else might she not be telling me? I couldn't shake it. But still we continued to talk... and I, at least, continued to be amazed.

So, my own insecurities, I guess, finally came to a head and I did a lot of internal debating... and finally realized, I don't care, I'm going to take the chance on this person anyway. And I laid it out--basically said, yes, I want to know if more is possible between us. And I want more communication, more connection... and I was met with an awkward resistance, and a general denial that there wasn't enough communication between us already. I couldn't understand why she didn't want more... I did. The mixed messages were too much.

So I sent one final lengthy letter via EP, and put everything on the line.

And she was absent from EP for several days, then logged in, presumably saw my letter, and has been away now for a week without any contact or any logins to EP. I also just sent a couple of text messages, and a couple of small real emails, just basically saying "hey, we should talk."

But that's it. I still haven't heard back.

Which leads me to this group... and why I feel I can't get close to anyone. When I do, something like this happens. I either screw it up, or they get cold feet, or I move too quickly emotionally and it pushes them away... something.

I feel like I'l never win. I'm not sure I'll ever find someone who is actually willing to take that plunge with me.
Tybris Tybris
31-35, M
3 Responses May 21, 2012

That's to bad. I think I may have become "smitten" with someone on EP. But then I realized that, even though I was trying to be truthful, they may have been stretching the truth. I did not know what I was looking for when I started on EP, and I sure have not found it!
Good luck to you.

why can't people just be straight with each other?....makes me kinda sick...thinking bout your story n bout my own ....damn it....

Thanks for the support. I still haven't heard from this person, not sure what to make of it. Even if they just decided they didn't like me-- what's the deal? It's the sudden vanish that sucks.

for sure that is the suckiest part of it....when you open up and are rejected it always makes it so much harder to trust enough t get close to anyone....

You will find someone you just got to be patient. Of course patience is not one of my string suites.