Surrounded By Secrets

I feel that I am living one big lie most of the time, trying to be something people like and 'get' rather than the strange person that is me. I feel like I have a million secrets and trying to be who I feel I am would only result in ridicule, rejection, and repulsion.

What secrets do I have? For starters I'm bi-sexual, a few select people know, but its not common knowledge and it upsets me when I hear homophobic comments etc and I try argue back but without much success because I have little substance to back up my argument without telling people my sexuality, and being in a 'straight' relationship would only cause tension if I did disclose it. I've always fantasised about men since my earliest fantasies that I can remember, but women are also sexually attractive to me.
Secondly, and this is probably a bigger issue to more people, is that I also identify, feel and want to be more feminine. I love painting my nails, doing my makeup, pampering myself and trying to be as girly as possible, because thats the way I feel. I sometimes feel I have an internal war going on, and think about living transgender, but I think it would destroy others around me. I know it sounds patthetic, but I want to be able to have pretty nails, a cute handbag, have stunning boots, wear pretty jewellery etc. I've always wanted to be girly as far back as I can remember. I'd love it if I could just be me, not a man, or woman, but a mix of all the traits I feel that make up my inner self. Well I suppose I could, if I wanted to face ridicule, repulsion and never find anyone as a partner.
I feel that because I hide behind a facade, I struggle with interpersonal relationships, and I especially find it hard to make and maintain friendships with males. I've always found it easier to relate to, and talk to women as friends. I feel that I have more in common with them. But now being in a relationship being friends with women is just bloody impossible. When blokes ask me about football, sports etc i pretty much just shrug my shoulders, I'm not interested in all the macho bullshit, but I feel that to fit in I have to try and fake an interest.

Because of all this, I can be in a room surrounded by people, yet feel more lonely than I do laying in bed, hiding away. I'm waiting for a more tolerant society, which I'm pretty sure won't be in my lifetime. So I'm torn, if I bite the bullet and be me, I'll be alone and probably rejected and never have a life partner or many friends. If I keep hiding behind the facade I'll be alone, but the only person who will be mocking me is me, the only abuse I get is that voice in my head, telling me I'm weak and a fake. But the people in my life will still be there.
I just hope one day I'll have the balls to say 'screw you, like it or lump it, this is me'. Til that day, you'll find me alone, in a crowded room, rocking pretty toenails behind a facade of normality.
xwhoamix xwhoamix
26-30, M
Jan 12, 2013