What Do I Do? Im Afraid..im Afraid Right Now.

im 26 F I lost both my good jobs and had to move home  to FL with my parents. Im in a new state, my job is pathetic, I have no money and no friends here. my friends back in NY arent doing much better most living home too.

 

Im going to give you the main points in this story cause its way to long to get into.

 

And here with my parents my 46yr old half brother is living here too now.  He hates me, he seems to have always hated me. my moms 1st marriage fell apart and his father was a dead beat and left and never came back. My father is and has always been a nasty bastard but he has always been around as my parents are still married.

 

my bro has something definately wrong with him. For years he made it out like i was the cause of his probelms. As a little kid I was the favorite, I got this i got that.  I think it is that when my mom was raising him and my other half sister she was poor cause she was doing it alone. But then my mom married my dad and was maybe one step up from dirt poor. So i got a little more then he did, I got private HS (obviously not my choice at 12) I had a father around me, I had some semblance of family we traveled a little.  So... there was years of him blowing up at me him being nice him blowing up on me him being nice. 2 yrs ago we tried again to be close.  3 months before my other half brother from my fathers side died so it seemed like a good idea. I am basically the yours mine and ours baby and all my siblings are 19+ yrs older then me. There were 5 of us now there are 4.

So to get back on track.....we shared an apt but it was rather expensive so  I brought in a friend of mine to help on rent.  1st off we were never home (friend and I) we worked in manhattan took a train to the city at 7am home around 9 so we were never there. My brother kept asking for me and him to hang out. That was fine by me, but he always said he didnt like leaving my friend home alone (she doesnt drive) BUT my friend constantly said she didnt mind staying home,  he just never seemed to ******* get it. PLUS 2 days out of the week she stayed back in manhattan. SO essentially she was hardly ever around.



It all came to an end when all 3 of us got massively sick and were home. ONE day he wanted her out.  She had taken me away from being his sister. I didnt give a **** about family, and my friend who was always perfectly nice to him does have a mouth and did talk back that night(this called for it, she had never been nasty before to him). SO then he threatened to kill her. It got louder and louder  " I should beat the **** outta you, then it came into imma but a bullet in your head im going to shoot you" .  As he was walking into his room, I remembered we did have guns in the house a few to be exact. He was so angry and shaking and turning another color i was scared really scared. so frightened of my 20 yrs older 6 foot 250pd brother as we are two 5'6 females i grabbed her a phone and ran outside. I called the cops on him. we said there were guns in the house. Hell I even have a black belt in karate, but i cant block a god damn bullet. How was I supposed to know what he would do?



So since we did have guns the police had to call a swat team to get him ( i dont know why this was a surburban area) they seemed to be overdoing it but i guess thats procedure. I feel badly he had to be taken out by gunpoint. But im not sorry I called. I was truely afraid. So that ended he basically got a restraining order and a slap on the wrist. He was charged with menacing, spent 1 night in jail and I think it was dismissed 6 months later



Now fast forward to 2009 I lost both my jobs and apt in 1 month and no options but to move home to FL 4 PEOPLE IN A 1 1/2 BEDROOM CONDO. I sleep in a computer room he on the porch. As it goes, he is the type to jump to job to job he lost his too. Now in FL i struggled 7 mths in finding a new job and the one i have pays ****. I then lost my (well the one my parents were letting me use) car to my mothers other daughter (the brother im talking about's full blooded sister) cause she lost her car and has a kid and job to get to (thats its own story). So now my mom, dad, bro, and I share one car. yes 1 car.

 

My bro is a sporatic carpenter. He always has probelms with bosses and seems to not stay places longer then one year. SO he sporatically works a job for 2 days every other week, or one full week then the next 3 weeks later. I only work maybe 15-30 hrs a week and my parents are retired. So now of course I AM the one getting preference over the car (at least my work is steady) I am to him getiing everything. OF course he doesnt realize this is a situation I ******* HATE, but I cant  seem to find a better paying job.   AND of course now my brothers hatred for my father his stepfather comes around again too. IM a traitor IM this IM that for talking to MY father. Dont get me wrong my dad has never been a nice guy, not to me not to my mom not to anyone, my mom really should have divorced my dad too, but no use dwelling on things.. BUT thing is, my dad has always given money to my moms kids when they were in trouble, getting them cars, helping pay rent. I think he only knows how to be a dad by providing money. But anyway my brothers hatred is coming out to his stepfather (my dad)



yesterday out of odd paranoia he accused my dad of sabotaging his tv before I needed a ride to work. When I showed him the issue, of course i got **** u traitor. I have no idea why i still let him drive me to work but I did, but in the car boy did he let me have it. it went all the way back to 2 yrs ago.  how dare I did what I did to him. He of course doesnt remember the way I did. He claims he said if SHE WAS A GUY he would kill her, how could I have called the police? what if the cops had blown him away? I said if he had said it that way it would have been way different but he didnt believe me. According to him I was HOPING i could get another brother killed (nice right), that im a horrible person that I chose my friend over family. Even my mom says I did the right thing that night. But still according to him how dare I? So with him in my face screaming at me in the car I started crying and told him that I wasnt sorry for what I did I was truely afraid. Well of course that made him scream more and speed. dropping me off at work, he left it with I need to do more for mom, and lots of other horrible things. I basically had to spend the 1st 2 hours of work trying to stop from sporatically crying on and off.

I even called my half sister (his full sister who he of course adores) and gave her most of the story or what I could remember while still shakened up. her advice was to let it go, that this is how he is, (cause he has done this 9000 times before), that her he and I could see a counselor about that night)...But I thought let it go? let it go that he thought I wanted another brother dead? let it go that he has esssentially hated me forever, Let it go that IT ******* HURT what he said to me, to be SORRY that I was afraid that in the moment he could have killed me and my friend? To be SORRY i did what I thought was right? Why do I have to again be oh gee im sorry again and again and forgive  someone that one day will blow up on you again, or something worse. What he said to me was some of the most horrible things you can say. Im afraid to be around him. But I have no where to go. I got the assurance from my mother not to feel badly that he and I's relationship is finished. I needed that, I felt badly for my mom that 2 of her kids dont get along that was one of the reasons ive tried over and over again through the years.



But as I sit here 15 min ago he came home in a rage, my mom said u know ur relationship with your sister is finished and its staying that way. He said fine. He said he only does things cause he loves my mom, and she says oh really? he then said but it would have been ok for his head to be blown off that night? and she said stop being paranoid. But im sitting here afraid again. Afraid he is in is room fuming and waiting for me. My own room has no door, and im afraid to go to sleep a little. Wondering if he wants to hurt me now.

 

what do I do? my parents are 69 and 87 and they know he is a nut but dont seem to think he is dangerous. Im a little scared though. Im afraid to sleep. am I paranoid now?

 

 

svengali1013 svengali1013
22-25, F
1 Response Mar 11, 2010

hmm...i think you are serious so much try to be flexable or flixable..dunno how you write it..try to be nice with him and talk with him even if u don't love him!<br />
try to treat him good and say words like "forgive me" or "sorry if i did something wrong to you" well...thats not fair because he is in the wrong side?but its the only way to be saved from him..even if he don't love you after this he won't hate you too!<br />
i hope you can understand my english :(<br />
failasof