I was born into the Catholic faith, I grew up afraid of doing anything wrong because God would punish me, well, his punishment came at the age of six because I became a victim of sexual abuse by family members and family "friends" I could never understand why God did not love me and what I had done wrong to deserve this. I grew up feeling I was no better than trash, very low self-esteem and always afraid of not being accepted or loved. Became overweight, shy, anxious, depressed etc. I was controlled by the aunt who abused me and raised me until her death, I could never confront her to tell her all I felt about her and the guilt I felt of wishing for many years she just "died" and leave me alone. As as consequence of my childhood I fell for the first man that ever showed any interest in me, I was 24 years old and he was much older, short story short 25 years later and I was still being controlled, taken advantage off, overweight, depressed, anxious, phobias etc. Deep down I knew there was a truth but I did not want to see it because it was more comfortable to give all my problems to God and I was still afraid to be punished and sent to hell.
It took my smart daughter to confirm to me what I always knew, that all that had been put in my mind were lies, brainwashed to be controlled by whoever wants to control us and now little by little I am becoming who I really am and experience more freedom than ever, soon I hope will also be divorced from my religious fanatic close minded husband, I now know that all the ugliness of this world is not punishment by a God but the consequences of human actions, I am spiritual in the sense that I feel there is something out there ( a universal force perhaps ) but not a God as he is portrayed by religions. I want friends that feel the same way so we can share all these experiences because I cannot open up to some of the people I know, they will judge me and will try to shove religion on me.
2xnomore 2xnomore
51-55, F
1 Response Aug 16, 2014

That's awesome for you