Losing Faith

With God, there was always a reason. A reason for being, a reason for waking up every morning, a reason that car accident happened two minutes before I arrived there, a reason my father walked out, a reason my first love left me in favor of alcohol, a reason for this, a reason for that.

It was easy to not have to look inside myself for answers, or question anything about my life. Everything was always left to God. Everything was always in His hands. It left no room for accountability, it left no room for guilt. Nothing was my fault. Everything was left to fate. Because it was "supposed to happen".

It was debilitating. Rather than learning and growing from the experiences, I simply accepted them as God's plan for me. Rather than taking the time to sit down and map out what went wrong or right, I would walk away. Every funeral I attended, I sat and thought about the deceased and whether they were in Heaven or Hell. Whether they believed in God or not. Whether God would take them in or turn them away. My faith was blind. I left everything to chance. No decision was made by me, rather I allowed things to pan out on their own, believing God knew what was best for me. Too bad I never realized that I knew what was best for me.

It wasn't until my grandmother passed, that things began changing. I was 22, and watched the life slip right out of her in front of my very eyes at the age of 63. My grandmother didn't so much believe in God, but moreso in reincarnation and Buddhist ideas. She was very liberal, strong, and a wonderful woman to be around. She also had Lupus and had been battling it since before I was born. My heart broke as she took her last breath, tears flooded my eyes, and I didn't feel any kind of peace that is supposedly promised in knowing your loved one is in a "better place". Rather, I felt robbed and empty. I remember sobbing by her bedside in the middle of the loud emergency room and begging her, begging her to come back. I watched my grandfather fall to pieces as he clung to her repeating over and over, "Baby, baby, baby." and I watched my mother fall to the floor in pure anguish at losing her mom and best friend. Where is God's love in all of that? I didn't feel her spirit around me, I didn't feel God's love. I felt alone. Bitterly alone.

I've walked around in pure hell for the past two years, unable to let go of her, unable to forgive God. I haven't found His presence in so long. Prayers are unheard, my mother's depression becomes worse every day. My grandfather lives alone in their large house they had just completed. All that's left of my grandmother is a cold stone in the middle of a silent cemetary. Where is God in that?

I want to believe. I want to know that God exists. I want to be able to turn to Him and leave all my problems in His hands again. But I've learned now, that the only faith you can rely on, is the faith you have in yourself. Only you can pull yourself from the dark abyss, only you can pick up the pieces when they fall apart.

Without God, I have to look at every situation for what it is. I am alive because I have food, water, and air. I missed that car accident because it took me an extra two minutes to catch the dog and put him in his kennel before I left this morning. My father walked out on us because drugs were more important to him. My first love left me in favor of alcohol, because he is an alcoholic and isn't ready to face his addiction like I wanted him to. None of these are fate, but choices that we are given each day that shape our lives.

I am an Agnostic because I don't know if God exists or not. Christians would argue I'm not letting Him in, so therefore I don't feel his presence. So where was He when I begged Him to come in two years ago when my grandma died?

*Note to 1HotDaphne: I respect your opinion, but I do not agree it is so black and white. Having uncertainties about the existence of a god or gods does not make one an athiest. Disbelief makes one an athiest, and I am caught between believing and not believing. Hence, agnostic.

Nyla Nyla
22-25, F
7 Responses Mar 2, 2009

Sorry for all the spelling errors - it's too early :)

Hi everyone, its interesting to read these posts. I have no idea why I am here on this sight, but I'm glad to have heard from you all. I recently found God, and surprisingly I found him in a religious instution. Life has never made more sense. I have suffered loss as well, and knowing God is there comforts me. Unlike most people my religion is very bible-ba<x>sed, from that I've learned that God is just as angry and just as sad as I am when bad things happen to the people he loves. Did you know that Jesus actually cried? I also know that he reason for all the bad stuff is choice - not necessarily yours, or mine, but ours as a people. We chose to depend on ourselves, not God. because we dont realize he's the source of ife and of love. Think about it... if we could choose somehow to hide from the sun, wouldn't we be in the dark? Wouldn't we be in the cold? Please all of you try an experiement: TALK TO GOD, then LISTEN, you will hear him - you wont hear a loud voice but a still, small voice. A feeling og comfort. You will know that you will see your loved ones again. You will. You will know that he did not wish for them to die. You will realize that he is wanting you, loving you, crying for you, and just waiting for the day that he can say, my son, my daughter I'm sorry for what you went through, if it were only up to me, it wouldn't have happened. The thing of it is this: He has to let sin run the course, it's the only way it can be gone forever. That sems harsh to people like us, who are so sad about what we've lost but it also means that once this world has passed away we will NEVER LOSE OUR LOVED ONES EVER AGAIN. That gives me comfort and hope. I hope no one is pset by my post. I only mean to share what I believe. God Bless.

A powerful and inspiring entry. I almost cried while reading. <br />
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Recently, I've lost my belief in God too. I want to believe in him, but with the state that the world is in, I'm not able to. I will admit though, sometimes I do wonder about the possibility...<br />
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I don't really have much else to say. I hope life is better for you now.

Thank you all, for your kind words. Jica, I am so, so sorry for your loss. It's so hard to wake up in the mornings knowing that someone so important to you is gone and is never coming back. I think that's the worst part about it for me. I keep expecting to hear her voice or see her walk through the door, and I realize that I am never going to see her again. It makes me sick to my stomach. I too, feel that religion makes people's lives harder, and it only makes the religious feel worse when they're not living up to a standard expected of them, ie. questioning God. <br />
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Thanks again, everyone for your kind words.

It is hard to lose a love one. Everyone has to go on even thou they left us behind. In my case I have lost 3 babies before they had a change to live there lives. At my daughter funeral our friends from our church was there some let there children come. They were acting like kids running around like it was a birthday party. There was one little girl that said Goria our daughter was lucky because she was in heave and we were still down here. From then on I feel that those children knew what was going on more then the adults. God wents us to be happy and keep our love one in our heart. They do not have to suffer and more.

Nyla, first I'd liek to say I am so, so sorry for your loss. My own Grandmother (more like my own mom) passed away 3 years tomorrow from colon cancer. Everything is exactly the same in my case as yours, except that I've been anti-religious since I was about 17 and I've been living with my Grandfather since her passing to keep him company. <br />
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However, my Grandmother, while the strongest woman I ever knew, was a hard core Christian (as is my Grandfather). I was also amazed at the lack of any divine presence or peace after she passed. My Grandfather is the same. They both belived in divine healing through belief (which I think is crap) and yet she was never cured and died 6 months after her diagnosis.<br />
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Ever since her passing, instead of beating myself up over how empty religion is, (I suppose since I was already transitioning into that phase) I've found peace knowing that life is just what it is. I dont feel the need to constantly bang my head against a wall screaming for God to answer me because things just aren't how I thought they were. <br />
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I've come to believe that God created thsi world, but set it all in motion and let us go from there, and maybe we'll find out the meaning of it all later. And that's enough for me I guess.<br />
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My poor Grandfather however, thinks her death is his fault because he didn't BELIEVE hard enough, and that completely infuriates me to hear evangelists preaching about belief & healing that way. He tortured himself for a long time and I dont see the God in that.<br />
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I feel that religion has made many people's lives harder by enforcing these strict guidelines/expectations, and it creates a false sense of necessity for people, especially those whose family members have recently passed away.<br />
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I hope that you find peace soon, and just try keep your Grandmother close to your heart. I wear a piece of her jewelry every day to console me. Maybe you'll be as lucky as me and be able to see her peacefully in your dreams every now and then.<br />
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Best of wishes :)

As a Christain I can respect how you feel. Many will disagree with me. But what we exspect from God varies from person to person. I will not tell you you are wrong. That is not my place. I am not on this earth to judge anyone. I know alot of the way you feel. My Grandparents raised me. To me like you there were no better people on this earth. I lost My grand father 8 days later lost my son, 3 months later lost my favorite aunt, 2 weeks to the day My Grand mother, a month later my best friend, a couple of months from that the Lady I had planned to marry. Yes I can understand how you feel very well. I like you asked why was this happening to me and got know answer. The answer most of the time is never as plain as the nose on your face. I have always believed that a Christian should do all that they can to solve there own problems and understand as much as we can. What we can not do on our own turn over to God. Truely turn it over. I think it is a sad thing that you that believed so well has lost your faith. I hope that you will find the Peace you seek for your Grand Mother. I also hope that you keep her spirit alive with her memory. It is said that the sadness we feel when one leaves our live, Is in direct porportion to the amount of joy they brought us while in our life. I believe that. I hope you find all the happiness you want.