Utter Self Consciousness

I was diagnosed with Bipolar in 2006. This was because I had a nervous breakdown and was totally depressed. But only a few months later I experienced a high. To be honest I guess I almost entered psychosis. My irrational fear is that people watch me. I've always had this. I remember my first job in a laundry... During the winter when it was dark outside I HATED being in the front under the bright lights coz I knew people could see me but I could not see them. This fear continued into practically every job I ever had. I have an insane fear of being observed. It has begun to ruin my life so much. I was doing ok for a few years. I was put on Lithium and Seroquel. But when I started to feel so much better I decided to come off them and face life without them. This I now know was not my best decision. My old fears are back in full force. I've cut back my hours to only 8 per week at work.

Every morning I wake up my heart starts racing. I think about where I have to go days before I have to go there. I don't understand how it came crashing back so forcefully. At Christmas I was doing ok. I was working lots of hours. I knew that it was creeping up on me. I guess I let it go too far again. So now I'm back on Seroquel and I am trying to find a dose that will work for me.

I guess to describe how I feel every day is this..... I wake up numb. Then I start to think about the day ahead. Then I can't stop thinking about EVERY tiny detail....Getting into my car, driving to work, parking, walking into work. That makes my heart race. That makes me feel ill. I am very paranoid I guess and SUPER self conscious. I worry about the way I walk. I worry that people are watching my every movement and that makes me worry even more and I feel they must know Im acting odd. It sucks so much :( I just want to be able to be out there among the world. But instead I stay at home lots. I make excuses for not going out coz it can be too much at times.

I hate this condition. It makes me think being dead would be so much easier most of the time.
deehitcher deehitcher
26-30, F
Apr 12, 2012