I have just recently been diagnosed with agoraphobia I think it’s due to ptsd and body dimorphic disorder I feel like a mad scientist operates my brain most days.
Every day I wake up I go into the bathroom to do my makeup and start getting a panic attack five hundred voices in my head laughing at me zooming into imperfections on my face, going through scenarios of people looking at me with disgust, laughing at me, everyone’s disappointment with me throughout my life arguments and traumatic events. Every day this breaks me down, I give up and I lock myself inside
I tell myself tomorrow is another day and tomorrow is always the same. it breaks my heart to see the disappointment and frustration on my boyfriends face.
Some days I manage to leave the house for groceries or doctor appointments but only if my boyfriends with me and even with that it’s a miracle if I don’t have an anxiety attack I get them from the most ridiculous things often its jealousy and insecurity or things that remind me of how sick the world is ,disgusting advertisements on the internet , I avoid reading the news or watching movies that objectify women to any extent. Being at home is barely a comfort zone but it’s better than going out there.
I am so terrified of what’s next or if I will ever be “normal” I can’t afford therapy because I am now on income assistance and if I talk to my doctor about it she just tries to push drugs on me which I will not do. I can’t talk to my boyfriend about it that I live with and is the only person I see because he gets frustrated with the people who have made me this way in his mind. I am so tired of my inadequacies holding him back from experiencing life and having a normal relationship. I don’t know what to do and this is my attempt to reach out and get this off my chest.
bri222 bri222
1 Response Jan 15, 2013

i understand how you feel about the medication. and i am the same way. after it being that way for years i finally decided my life wasn't worth living if that was how it was gona be and i went to the dr. if you get a good dr, it could change your life dramatically and almost instantly. it won't go away completely but it will become manageable. There is no shame in taking the pills if you need them and you are an adult if you just try and don't like them toss them in the garbage and say you don't want them anymore and no one can stop you.