How Does a Loner Cope With Loneliness?

I've been alone a lot in my life, and mostly I was okay with that. I had my woods, my hobbies, my pets, my mum and my home. I had books and a car where I could go for a drive. I had the care of mum--and sometimes dad, as well--the last ten or fifteen years, and for about five years, a full-time college education I was working on. I had volunteer work, and neighbours to interact with.

Then, in one fell swoop--or virtually so, it all came to a crashing end. And let me tell you about how wonderful most Americans are--the more down you get, the less they want to do with you. Poor or troubled or diseased, doesn't matter. If you don't fit the shallow American idea of "image," you are not acceptable to society. That's the plain, unvarnished truth about life in the Untied States. My mum found that out--after the divorce, everyone faded away from her, because dad took everything, emptied out the bank account and left. None of the neighbours ever came 'round, after that. Oh she had one or two good friends who stood by her (she'd no family much, left, like me, now) but mostly, nobody wanted naught to do with her, suddenly.

And that was my first lesson in the American human nature. I've had quite a few more, since. Lost my naivety, I have. Oh yes.

Even at the Presbyterian church--some people were quite kind, mind--but some were...just mean--including the minsters, which shocked me a bit, when he made a cutting remark--I guess, priest or minister, they are human too, I suppose. Meaness knows no boundries, and isn't exclusive to the small-minded and insecure.

Anyway, the more...different you are, the less acceptable you are to society...why do you think some people hate gays so very much. It's not so much about sexual orientation--after all, these same self-righteous prats aren't going after pedophiles and adulters, ey? No. Just people who are different from them.

And whether you are poor, mentally ill, or dress different or act against the norm, not trendy or whatever....you aren't shunned for what you are..but for what you are not.

I was a loner--got picked on a lot--and continually---from an early age, because I was a bit slow, and also, was a bit overweight, as well. Okay, so I'm not the sharpest tool in the box, sometimes. Feeling stupid hurts--a lot...and being told you are ugly or a dummy, or what have you...it does something to you. And then when I was around 9 or 10, something really bad happened to me. Can't talk about it...never have. But lets just say, that from that time on, I kept to myself as much as humanly possible--and was okay with it.

For me, loneliness was like breathing. It was just there. A part of my life. I still had mum and home and my woods for both comfort and compainionship.

Even as I got older, and became much more outgoing and gregarious, I still mostly kept to myself. And that was okay. College certainly taught me to interact comfortably and be much more outgoing. Theater and overseas studies and journalism reporting classes--they each forced me into a much wider interaction with people, and I learned to be okay with it. Oh, I could stand in front of hundreds and deliver a speech or a few lines, a poem or essay or whatever. Of course, one on one--I still hate. I hate casual conversation, I always walk away with the thought, "what'd I say that for?" or, "Gawd! I talk too much!"

 Oh yeah, since college, I've become a regular little chatterbox. You don't spend 8 or 12 hours cramped into economy class on a plane next to a total stranger, or being asked to stand alone on stage before your classmates, and belt out the song, Oklahoma! (and you can't sing) and stay shy. No way, uh-uh. You either belt it up and just go out and do it--or you deal with sitting out life as a mundane flat-liner (which is what I've become now, sadly)--you suck it up, concentrate on the task at hand, and just go out and do it--and hopefully, if you're lucky like me, usually find that you enjoy it. Usually.

But then, I lost everything--my mum, my home, my educational future--and I didn't bear up through it very well--I became a recluse. Still am. I would love to get out there again--see the world, belong to something, do something--anything--interesting with my life, something that I reasonably enjoy, and am hopefully am somewhat good at. But, that's over now. I can't travel back in time, I can't go forward now, either. Not even a tiny bit. In fact, just as I was climbing out of life's sewers, the Untied States government is shoving me back in. And there's nothing I can do. No advocates, no family, no friends--not here, at any rate. I'm totally and completely alone.

And it's hard. And it hurts. And it seems like being in Purgatory. I wrote this daft stupid little skit once, about a bunch of people coming together in this blank waiting room--no magazines or tele, no pics on the walls, no fish tank--just some chairs in an empty room--and no one had a clue why'd they'd been summoned there--turned out in the end, that that was Purgatory.

That's how I feel now--like I'm in an empty room waiting...forever. Waiting for death. For the next bad thing to happen. Waiting...I am used to waiting, tho'. When you care for a sick person, who is unable to get around by him or herself--you do a heckuva lot of waiting...doctor's, tests, operations, death...a lot of waiting. Sort like purgatory, but with an quicker final outcome.

Loneliness is like living in Purgatory with no outcome...you are waiting an eternity for someone to be there for you--and it never, ever happens. For some of us, that's just the way it is, the way it always will be.

But knowing that, never makes it any easier.
whovian whovian
46-50, F
2 Responses Mar 16, 2007

omg i feel for you dude ive been there you have to stop beating yourself up about things you had No control over and start to live again its hard i know but do it you will be happy again and will think yourself a fool for feeling the way you do now.

I am so sorry that you are feeling this down and disenchanted with life.<br />
Looking after your mother must have been a full time job and studying hard at the same time difficult.<br />
Stop being so hard on yourself and love yourself more. You clearly have a lot of love to give.<br />
You deserve to make lots of new friends and I'm glad that you've felt able to join this site amd share some of your feelings. I am sure you'll find lots of emotional support. <br />
Most people in this world are friendly - they just absorb the atmosphere of people around them. Give out a positive vibe and back it comes threefold. (Same for a negative vibe unfortunately)<br />
Smile and watch the world around you start to get better then you can believe right now.