Drifting Away...forever???

Well...I suppose it was bound to happen, sooner or later.

I have a blog--and have "friends" who read it, and sometimes offer me encouragement and advice, which is really lovely, no matter whether it's helpful or not.

But, I'm afraid that Friday, I had a bit of a fit--what with losing income and being in horrendous pain and just having the accident happen on top of all the other bad stuff---it wasn't a very cheerful blog, by any stretch of the imagination.

Now, no one says anything to me. Silence from my friends...even my best friend is mostly silent.

The only one's "talking" to me are total strangers---one woman--a lesbian apparently,  from the UK, who seems rather nice...if a bit oversexed (according to what I read on her blog)...

and an...odd...person or persons (hard to tell really), who either goes by the name of "Sylvester," "Silvestri" or "John Hadrian" or "Doris Terry," and has a thing for some billionaire's yacht, and likes to throw Russian proverbs at me, rather than actually talk to me. Really strange.

Gee, just what I need, the odd one's coming out of the woodwork at me--oh, I really do appreciate the kind thoughts--but my life is stupid enough, without more weirdness added to it.

So, anyway...I really do feel horribly, horribly lonely.

Gah, wish I could afford a home aide or a housekeeper, while I recover. Today's going to be (if you'll pardon the expression) a ***** of a day---my foot is bruised black and blue--literally top to bottom and swollen as well--in other words, it hurts like hell.

And, I've got to, in about 2 hours, shower and dress myself (mind, I'm on crutches), take out the rubbish--down 2 flights of stairs, around the side of the building to the dumpster in the car park out back--and I have to go down stairs on my bum, as they're too narrow for crutches--oh, what a joy my life's going to be!

Then, I have to go to the store to get a few things, get those groceries, my crutches and myself  back upstaris, get another cab, work five hours, get a cab home...and do my laundry in the kitchen sink, as I cannot afford to go to the laundromat this month, on account of losing my 689 dollar disability check and losing nearly a whole days pay for being out of work.

I had to beg the doctor at hospital not to sign me off work for the weekend--after all, I am sitting in a chair...still...I'm on light duty for 2 days--and to make up my lost income, will have to go back to working 7 days a week--and I really hate and loathe my job.

But God! I'm so alone! I mean, I've been physically alone since November of 2005, but now, maybe it's being hurt and cooped up in this tiny apartment, day after day, with no one but the cats--but I'm really starting to feel lost and empty.

Totally empty. What the hell good am I? No one needs me. Not one person alive on this earth, needs me. If I were to die in my sleep--no one would know until my body started stinking up the building.

No one knows how bad knowing something like that--living something like that, day after day, after day--no one knows how that feels.

Humans are mostly herd animals--and I don't have a herd--unless you count my lovely cats.

My life is a wide-awake nightmare, that I can't seem to get shed of.

I so wish I was dead. Then I'd finally have peace. A burning lake of fire in hell, can't be half as bad as this. No way.
whovian whovian
46-50, F
3 Responses Apr 1, 2007

You people that made those comments are so nice.....I feel sympathetic too but maybe not so much.......I believe too firmly that a person's reality is created by their own thoughts, no matter how bad the circumstances might be, we are still the creators of it. I do know though how easy it is to forget that, as well as how hard it is to accept sometimes. <br />
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The only practical thing that I could suggest would be that you sit down with your eyes closed and think about all the things that are "wrong" or causing you grief in your life right now. don't try and work anything out just lump it all together and visualise it in your mind as a huge dark cloud, At first, it will be all that you can see, but then you extend the edges of your picture to include a borderline of bright sky around it. Then you concentrate on making that bigger, eventually the cloud dissipates. <br />
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When you focus your attention on the light rather than the darkness, you are opening up new pathways for positive energy to come into your life. It makes sense, there is no mumbo-jumbo in it. When all you can see is darkness, then darkness is all you can see. <br />
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It is an exercise much that has tangible results and very quickly if you do it well and often enough If you really do allow yourself to let go of the negativity, even for a short time, you will find things will start to improve.<br />
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I am reminded of something I heard on a British sitcom called "Dad's Army', where an Indian soldier tells one of the British officers of the old Hindu proverb that says:<br />
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Just because your business is going down the tubes, your wife is having sexual congress with neighbor and your children are dying of the black cholera, doesn't mean your house won't burn down. <br />
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Please make an effort to cheer up. Circumstances can definitely help but it has to come from somewhere inside first. What I have told you could help you to find it. <br />
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You can't die unless you have tried absolutely everything.

My dear sweet whovian, I was physically alone, most of the time, for what I think was the first 5 years of my life, I have memories of a balcony, and a closet. But let me tell you, I love being alone now. When I was a kid, I wanted someone to connect with so bad. When I was 16 I finally started to learn about life, and try to put myself in others shoes, and I started to try to build relationships, I got hurt alot, but I finally learned enough to get by. Now I love being alone, trust me, your in good company. I completely understand how you feel though. You seem like a nice person, and I think you deserve to have nice friends who care about you. Don't forget though, even your friends won't take as good of care of you as you should yourself, because we are our own best friends. Write 5 to 10 great things about yourself, or accomplishments. Then read them to your self. Also if a friend does stop by or call, make a point not to ask them for help, unless they offer it. I only say this, because I had foot surgery, and no one wanted to be around me at first because they thought I would be to needy. But I just kept taking care of my self, and they started calling me.

Hell is supposed to be worst than this. This could be the life compared to hell. I know you are lonely but thinking that you are worthless (which you are not), is one of the reasons why you feel so bad. I have a family so I do have someone hear. But even with them I feel lonely. Go see a motivational speaker or go see a hypnotist. Or you could maybe try those brain wave CDs that make your subconscious work with what you are saying. Like if you want to stop smoking just listen to the CD while you sleep and your subconscious will help you. It is almost like brain washing. And I think if it will help you get out of this terrible rut, it is worth it. Hope fully it will help you enjoy life. Go learn about it.