No Friends Or Acquaintances Anymore.

I lived with four friends (people brought together by two of us) in an apartment, where we all went to college, hung out, partied. After a lot of thought and hesitation I got into a relationship with a my flatmate (we were also childhood friends), because we had so much fun & I loved being with him etc... and I still do of course!

Now almost two years later, my boyfriend (still the same guy) and I live together on our own, due to everyone moving on to different things, jobs etc, and its great! We watch movies, play ps3, cook crazy food experiments, go to gigs, etc...
Except it couldn't be more blatantly clear that I have no friends.
My bf and I have parties, and since we went to the same school, we have a lot of the same friends/friend groups. However these friends (all male) are better friends with him then me. As I went to the same school as him for three years, but also another three high schools after this, where I never managed to make any long term friends.

So now I feel like an absolute dope! I didn't seem to have a deep need for friends before we lived on our own together, and now I'm almost jealous of him and all the great friends he has. And I have nothing to do when he's out socializing. I'm too dependent on him and I feel so lonely and yet sometimes get angry at him for no reason, as if i'm holding him responsible for my lack of friends, yet I'm the one to blame, not him.

Apart from my current situation, throughout my life, (which is kinda short to date, I'm 23) the friends I had made are amazing, but they always move away. My mom even said that to me when I was a kid, all my friends 'literally' seem to move away. For example, four really good friends I've had and would still have if they didn't permanently live in Scotland, Vancouver, Dubai, & San Francisco.
Yeah there is Facebook etc, but even then we talk once a year! It's just not the same.
I had a lot of guy friends, (hence my bf being a former friend) However I've had to lose contact as my bf wouldn't appreciate me going out/hanging out/drinking with guys who have formerly fancied me, and I can understand that completely. Come to think of it, they prob only ever hung out with me because they fancied me.

Anyway, so I've got my boyfriend and two sisters who are both over ten years older than me.
Of course I appreciate them and I'm so fortunate to have them in my life. But I want a bit more... just a couple of friends or acquaintances, they don't even have to be interesting or like me - as long as they want to hang out with me on occasion.

Please don't suggest join a club or something. I've done this. I've done this many many many, too many times. I'm sort of shy, lack confidence, have poor social skills, bad diction, and have been told I look intimidating & sort of demented when I smile.
Recent examples: boxing, capoeira... and after almost a year of doing both, I left because I was the loner one and began to feel awkward when the new people made friends before I did.
I've only and still only enjoy the non team sports, like running, swimming and cycling.

Are some people, like me, for whatever reasons... childhood/upbringing, just supposed to be solitary? Hermit like... I even had a manager who said to me in a joking way, "you'll end up a hermit".

Also I've talked to my bf about this, and he doesn't know how I'll make friends, but he would love me too have other friends. How do I make friends to stop myself becoming dependent on my bf?

Thanks for reading.
jalf jalf
22-25, F
2 Responses Jan 12, 2013

I too am friendless, but in my case it's by choice. People just BUG me to no end. I'm 25 and for the past 4 years I've been going to school full-time (finally getting my degree), working about 60 hours weekly overnights and it came to a point that my schedule did not FIT friendships. For me to hang out with people I'd have to cut school or work, and it did not make me happy.

My one free day has to be dedicated to my life partner since I barely see him due to my crazy schedules, and I make/made a choice of not answering people's calls, saying NO to friends, and after 2 years I have no hung out, gone out to have a drink with anyone except TWICE. And both TIMES I was so annoyed by "friends" being 1.30 hours late, not indicating their lateness and making me wait (especially when my time is so valuable), not having cash to share the restaurant bills, that I've made it a life purpose to live alone. I still get to chat with some very OLD CLOSE friends on facebook or via text messages sometimes, but I do not want to hang out with anyone.

Maybe what I want is better friends. Friends with punctuality, who work HARD and value accomplishments that took sacrifice, etc. My advice for you? Get busy, busy, busy. You know the answer to your question because it's in your post. The stuff we want the most, we barely get. So forget about getting friends and work on other stuff and friends will follow. Yes, look for a practice (which you already have DONE MANY MANY MANY times) and build friendships there. But for you to build friendships you need to build CONFIDENCE and have something to share with people.

You can do some kigong exercises; specific classes for building trust in others and in yourself; visit a psychologist who will work with you through any emotional trauma you have in your life history (we all have it so don't be ashamed), etc. I guess to conclude you have to keep doing what you are doing now. But you need to come to these settings with your emotional and mental world changed otherwise you'll keep failing at building long-lasting connections.

I can feel your pain and anguish. It is very difficult to be in your position. I am happy, though, that you are aware of your need so early. You can deal with it and please do so.

I haven't had the ability, the smarts, or whatever it takes to have friends in my life.

Maybe you can be more assertive. Go up to people, introduce yourself and try starting a conversation. Best Wishes...