I Was Happy For A Day :(

I don't know when it happened. I couldn't even tell you whether it happened gradually, or if it came to be like this all of a sudden. But fact is: I'm alone. I've never had that many friends, but always one or two on whom I could somewhat rely. Well, childhood is over, everybody moves to a new place. I'm sure I'm going to make some new friends here. But I don't. People face me with indifference and apathy, sometimes hostility, and I have nothing to show back but my loneliness. I don't lie. That's why, when people ask me stuff like "What are you up to?" I reply honestly "Nothing." And that kinda freaks people out. So my loneliness has created almost something like a cycle, that keeps me here in my flat, alone and isolated. I can't even make any friends at university, because I'm too timid to talk to them, and I feel like I've missed the "Get to know people" phase.

It's bearable most of the time. It's not like I'm desperately lonely. Most of the day I manage to keep myself busy, doing things, surfing the internet, going for walks. But in the nighttime all those distractions fall away, and I'm left alone with the truth: I'm alone. And chances are, I'll always will be. I don'T want it to be this way, but I feel so apathetic and helpless, I just don't know how to change. "Trying new activities, go to clubs, go out, meet people"-That's the kinda advice I get. (From the internet, since I don't have anyone to really ask) Well ****. If I go out meeting new people they are nice, as long as it's just casual chatting, but an occassional chat here and there really doesn't help me. If I want anything more, like, let's say, meet up some time for doing things (anything, really. I enjoy pretty much everything to some degree, and by now everything that does involve other people sounds like heaven), they get hostile and leave me. (Or I push them away myself, because I'm afraid of rejection.)

I'm sorry if I bothered you with my story. Have a nice day.
LonelyMonkey LonelyMonkey
Dec 2, 2012