Its Not Getting Better

There I was lying in bed listening to my alarm yell at me to leave my comfort zone and accept the punishment that is my everyday life. He left me months ago to become part of the "war on terrorism". Such a load of BS. I just had a baby and now i'm abandoned with him. No one bothered to consider the fact that I too have a full time job (same branch of service), 2 kids, school, and a house to tend to. I've considered paking my things and dissapearing many times. Think I'd be better off on some island. I can't stand being at social gatherings, talking to strangers, or any of the above. I've generally isolated myself for this entire prison sentence AKA deployment. I can't even say I really miss him. I miss being able to shut down without being forced back into my daily struggle. I'm drowsy, weak, uninterested, and generally ready to check out. I'm doing this really because I don't want to abandon my babies. I can't imagine how horrible of a mom I am since I don't want to be alive. I'm generally just feeding, watching, and supervising them. I'm doing my best here but with no end in sight I continue to seek an out. My husband doesn't skype me or anything. I get one or two pitiful text messages and maybe a phone call. I usually give the phone to the kids since i'm convinced I have nothing nice to say to him. I cry a lot. Usually my sad moods are unprovoked and I wind up in tears without any warning. I'm miserable. I haven't been out to dinner in about six months. I haven't bought myself anything. I'm pretty much anti EVERYTHING. I've just had enough. I've had enough of being super woman. I look at my mother and grandmother who were able to do all that I'm complaining about with less resources and I feel like a serious failure. I don't even tell them how much I just wanna die. Don't really need the scrutiny right now. No one I talk to understands what is happening. I get the "oh he'll be home soon" bullshit. I DON"T WANT HIM BACK! I just want to check the hell out of this prison I'm in. I feel like i'm underwater drowning and everyone I know is just walking past glancing and going on about their business. People always say suicide hurts everyone but um...............WHERE THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE WHO WOULD BE SO DAMN HURT? This is one of my delimas. I want to go, and i'm only worried that my kids would blame themselves. They are the only reason I wake up.
deleted deleted
4 Responses Jan 13, 2013

would you like to talk with me ?

can we become friends ?

Nothing lasts forever and this too shall pass. Your kids need their mom, where do they end up without you? Someday you will look back with or without him as a strong woman after all you have accomplished and been through and it will be worth it. I admire you for what you have done this far.

Looks like you have a lot on your plate to handle all by yourself. I can understand the hole that appears when your spouse is not physically there for you. But believe me, it would be worse if he was physically there with you, but emotionally checked out, which is what I am going through. You are not alone, open yourself up to your friends and family, and seek out happiness for yourself. It will not be perfect, but neither is life. Good luck.