Mr. Lonely

Where to begin?  I am 41, single, and have very few friends.  When I was 7, my father stopped working and stayed at home to raise me.  He instilled fear of everything and everyone in me, I wasn't allowed to go out with friends (what if they steal something, you'll get in trouble too), walk to school (dog might get you, I'll drive you).  By the time I reached high school and was old enough where I would be allowed to go out anywhere, I had no friends.  I figured something must be wrong with me.  In high school, I used to each lunch in the library, deathly afraid of the cafeteria, no one to sit with.  Eventually, librarian wouldn't let me eat in library so I used to eat my lunch in the bathroom stall.

The only friends I have ever had in my life were initiated by the other person, I am too shy to ask them.  I have had no serious romantic relationships in my life.  I have spent the past 20 years moving around, job to job, place to place, province to province in Canada.  I have a strong social phobia which I am now aware of, it causes me to leave jobs as I get real anxious in the workplace, think everyone is talking about me, I don't talk to them which makes them and me uncomfortable.

Presently, I am also dealing with a gambling problem which started about 3 years ago. 

I moved recently to Newfoundland to be close to a good friend/cousin I have had over the past 10 years.  Thought it might be the answer, however, she said I was hanging around too much, her husband didn't like that, and that I was a bad influence on her child.  She ws basically all I have in Newfoundland, being at work with the social phobia is causing me all sorts of anxiety, I don't know what to do.  If I do leave again, for the 100th move, where the hell do I go, I don't feel like I belong anywhere.  I am very distant from most of my own siblings, not just geographical distance.

That's my story, it's sad but true.  I can't imagine anyone else feeling like this and living like this. 

Can any of you relate to my story?








spfitz2001 spfitz2001
3 Responses Mar 22, 2009

This is a bit old but I can definitely relate... It's sad that things are the way they are for you. I was the same with things like the cafeterias in school only I never ate lunch in bathroom stalls, instead I skipped lunch altogether and picked a place to wait it out. It was really depressing for me and I don't attend public school anymore because of it.<br />
Maybe you could try getting close with a few family members first to see if it helps.

I'm sorry about what you're going through. I can relate, I grew up with very protective parents. And I'm shy. To this day I still have hard time expressing myself well in front of others. When I was in high school, I had low self-esteem. People would lose interest in me after awhile and I still get afraid of that now. I do hope things work out for ya. Take care!

I think I am one of the strange people in life that can actually relate to you. Throughout school, I was the one hanging off in a corner by myself, last one picked for a team, etc. Now I am a single parent with almost no support system which only makes things worse. I have thought about the intentional community idea, but they are all so far from my work and I don't know if it would be a wise idea for me to move. I say if you have nothing holding you back, just go for it. Just wanted to let you know I understand your pain