I Use To Have Friends

I use to have friends and there was a time when I was never home. I have not been to the movies to a mall or just out on the road for a long time. The older I get the more I think im going to become a life long shut in and die all alone. I have always had a hard time making friends but once I got older I got more shy and more timid now im a total looner. The cause of this past physical and mental abuse, thats another story I already posted.

Even when im not alone I feel this emptiness inside and it feels like it is just getting bigger. When I laugh or smile while watching tv or a movie it feels great until I remember how depressed, alone and pathetic I feel. I want to have fun and laugh and actually mean it and not feel so sad after a few seconds of feeling some sort of happiness. I want happy in my life to not be few seconds spikes. I wonder is its possible for me to really just jump in and get over my issues.

I remember the last time I can say I truely had some fun was in 2003. I went to see a movies with friends and then we ate until we where sick. The next day we went to an amusement park and went on everything I had so much fun I got sick and dizzy but it was worth it. Shortly after this trip things changed for me I just got shy completely shy. My friends had started to move on and I just got stuck and I have been stuck ever since. Time passed and I just got worse and sometimes I feel so much time has passed that it is to late for me to have a life to late for me to be happy again.

People would say turn to family but that is also impossible for me. My family we are not close and I feel at times to be an outcast among them. I don't think I'm liked in my family even though my mom treats my ok sometimes she does things and says things that makes me think she is just going through the motions and for some reason may not like me. My dad I hate his guts I'm sure he hates mine.

I'm so horrified when it comes to talking to people, so how can I make friends when I'm so afraid. I hope by making friends online I can hopefully find the courage to make friends out in the real world. Hopefully online friends will become real life and long life friends and I can finally move on from this miserable chapter in my life. I have to start a fresh life and forget that this one ever existed. I feel like it will be hard but I have to do it now I can't wait any longer. Slow steps though or I might freak out. :)

Natemares Natemares
31-35, M
4 Responses Feb 18, 2010

I am going through the same thing right now, well I'd love to be your friend message me? thanks

talk to me? I have the same problem. last time I had a real friend was my sophomore year of high school I think...four years ago maybe

hi im going to tell you about my friends i had in school they seemed to be true friend but in the end thay not but don,t get you hops down because jessus is always with and he is your true friend and he saves lifes .

You are not alone..i feel the same way!!!