Unfixed

I've had the longest quiet time until now that I'm writing here again to share my emotions that has been inside me for a long time now.

I know that I'm partly responsible for whatever feelings I'm keeping because I know that there are so many ways to get out of this massive sadness in my heart (which is hidden inside of the hardest shell I come to built to protect myself from being weak-looking). But that's exactly the difficult part. I know some of 'the ways' but initiating or starting to get through is something I find as a hindrance. I just dont know how and where to start to pick up the pieces.

A broken soul can be healed by renewed faith in God. And they said that everything will start from there and sooner life would be more in peace and happier.

I talk to God but honestly, it is not the same way I talk to Him before. I grew up not forgetting to pray at night. Now, I cant even remember how I lost track of doing this religiously.

I changed a lot. Whether I like myself or not anymore, this is still me. It's hard to bring back my old self if I knew it would never be the same anymore. It is not only me that changed, the 'environment' and people around me are way different now. Though I still wish that I'm going to be better person. I just want to realize more and more of life. It should not end here.

There was one day when I seek the reason why I turned into the person that I am now, I realized I was better when I still had the first love and I was still in love. And I realized that I tend to be better for others to like me. I tend to be better to please the person that I love. And now that I lost the feelings I had for 5 long years, all the thrivings to be the best person was gone too.

I guess I dont love myself that much to pursue things for my own sake. Maybe I'm the type who finds greater inspiration to a person she madly in love with than anyone or anything else (even herself). I just think that my drive is useless if I ain't love someone so much. I just have to say that I'm at my best when I'm in love. And realizing that part makes me feel that I should try to do things for myself from now on.

It was really different before. I love someone dearly that I put my very best to please. To be someone deserving of attention. I have all the reasons to be industrious and look good all the time. Back then, I know my priorities. And at that time, I worked for everything that really paid me off with satisfaction. I had a great deal with life back then (although there were still rough roads on my way).

Now I dont know how to be inspired to everything I do. I love my parents, my family, but I dont think they'll inspired me the same way my first love did.

I think I'm still struggling on that part. It's not easy for me to change myself even if doing it with such gusto.

I'm leaving it to time. To what my destiny leads me to, I hope it would change me the way I want myself to. Because right now, it's cloudy on the back of my head and doing it independently is definitely uncertain.

soimconfused soimconfused
18-21, F
2 Responses May 27, 2007

The hurt is still there and you have to deal with it. You have to forgive yourself for things you have done wrong and you have to forgive the other person for the things he did wrong and hurt you. Write a letter to him, but do not post it and write everything that's inside your heart. A good cry might also help. Sometimes unforgiveness causes a huge blockage in our lives and we just have to forgive, even if it is a process. With time it becomes easier, just start off and see how the burden lifts!

just always be strong & have faith in God....I know by time u'll past thru all of that & u can be the person u wanted to be or even much better than that.But right now you need to help urself ur not the only person who experience that.You still have ur life and lot of people loves u.Cheer up girl!!