Sometimes I Wonder If It'S Me Reinforcing This

I feel disconnected with everyone I know: friends, family, classmates

The people I would like to call my close friends are best friends with each other.. and I am not included. I haven't had a best friend since elementary school, excluding my dog. At parties I feel like I am the odd one out. Like I'm a 5th wheel with my group of female friends. I feel like I'm a nuisance, a poser, like I'm filthy, unworthy.

When college started I hoped to change this. I wanted to find myself a new best friend. But I didn't. I shut myself away.. out of fear and perhaps hate. I don't know. It's terrible wanting to change and wanting to have the will to change but nothing happens.

With the few friends that I did make in college, I find that I get annoyed easily by certain things they do.. and when I'm annoyed I get angry, driving people further away.

I don't want to be lonely anymore but I feel like there's monster inside dragging me further and further from happiness and I can't control it. I'm so full of hate and yet so tired of pain. I want to change, to be healed, but I just can't.
theseafarer theseafarer
22-25, F
1 Response Jun 28, 2013

Is there something you harbor from childhood? I harbored a lot in high school.

Just came back to this post now.. I had a bout of happiness and satisfaction but I've returned to my low state. I did discover that most of my problems with keeping relationships stems from a best friend in elementary who started to ignore me out of nowhere. I had been telling myself all this time that we just grew apart, but somewhere I truly feel there was something wrong with me. I think this has made me reluctant to fully engage myself in friendships.

I tend to think that there is something wrong with me which leaves me isolated. I made a resolution this year to not feel so bad and be more social.