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Lost

I am completly alone although I live with 5 other people.  I can't find a way to not feel awful. I have two daughters and I live with other family members so really I am never alone, but I feel like I am.  My oldest daughter is twelve and needs me to be a mom and I can't do it.  My youngest is only six months old so my sister tells me it is post partum.  Maybe it is, but it doesn't help me.  I am the only one working and we are constantly behind on bills.I hate my job and my boss is a jackass.  I just want to not feel badly all the time.  For the past three years I have been taking tylenol pm just to get to sleep and every night I take more and more.  Now I am up to taking 30 a night.  I am scared to keep taking them and I am scared to not take them.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I am tired of everything.  I need help but I don't know where to get it.  I don't even have the time to look for it. 

kyanna12 kyanna12 26-30 8 Responses Jul 5, 2009

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You are under a lot of stress and I believe that you're doing a remarkable job. Nonetheless, please stop taking so many sleeping pills! You already know that it will kill you and is so good to know that you don't want that. For almost two years I barely slept and I found the way to fix just this portion of my problems with simple breathing exercises (simple Yoga). Nothing fancy, doesn't require that you believe in any religion, have faith or similar (better if you do) and takes very few minutes in the morning or at night before going to bed. The concept behind this technique is give your mind a break -- like you do with your body. Kyanna, I feel your pain, but YOU DON'T HAVE TO SUFFER. Let me know if I can send you a yoga tape, suggest you readings or anything else. I could describe you my simple breathing relaxing techniques and even meditation. Things will get better --and like many other posts-- if you can seek professional help. Your kids are such a blessing (I just close my eyes remembering my daughter when she was little and a feeling of happiness and grace overwhelms me). By the way, why are you the only one working there? It seems that you have a heavy burden on your household that should be that way. Good luck!

I am so sorry. i know what you mean. I myself have been having a really bad last couple of years. Right now actually, I am alone. I have been very sick and have been out of work on medical leave for almost a year. My days are monotonous. I usually only leave the house to go to doctor appts or for chores I have to do because no one else can. I am staying with a friend who offered to help me while I am ill.. I cannot drive now due to my illness. They have become someone I do not know. Most of the time, they either ignore me by keeping overly busy or are just plain mean. I don't know why they bothered to offer to help in the first place. i have to tell you, though I don't like being alone, this is so much more preferable to the profound feelings of being alone I feel when my friend is here. Sad isn't it. <br />
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I know what you mean about post-partum. My family thinks my grandmother had it years ago, before it was a recognized illness. She had six children with not much space between each one. It caused her alot of pain and guilt then and in the many years to come, and impacted all of her relationships. So, I definitely agree that you need help. I think you are beyond brave for being able to realize that and say it out loud. Do you know how many people go through most of their lives like that? It is is no way to live. I barely call that survival. <br />
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Like the others have said, I think you are right to be concerned about the sleeping pills. <br />
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As far as getting help...i can tell from what you have said here that money is tight. I totally get that. My employers are reall b*****ds and have stopped paying me. I am dependent on others, which I hate. So I am guessing that paying a therapist would not be possible. If it is, you might consider it. <br />
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What about another adult you are comfortable with? Maybe a priest/clergyman? Do you have relatives or friends you trust with whom you are not living that could be a good shoulder to lean on? The other thought I had is that if there is no one in the flesh to talk to, what about searching for online support groups/forums where there are people with similar concerns? I have done this myself and find it very therapeutic. Remember, you don't have to be crazy to talk to a therapist. Everybody just needs to talk to somebody sometimes that they feel will really listen without sitting in judgement. <br />
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Depending on the pills has definitely become a secondary problem you must deal with for your own health- please- I don't know you, but I am concerned, and I promise I will send prayers and good thoughts your way. I truly feel though that the dependence on the pills is actually a symptom of a greater problem: the potential post-partum, lack of support you are receiving, and all of the subsequent stress. <br />
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We all have escape hatches. The pills have been yours. It is nothing to be ashamed of. My way of anesthetizing at certain times in my life was to overspend. That has not helped solved my problems, actually created new ones. I have changed quite a bit in this regard, and I am proud of this, but would still like to do better. It is a work in progress, and I know this part sucks, but all others can do is help. It really is up to us. I don't say that callously. I scream inside even as I do because I am so tired of difficult. I have to believe though that things will work out in the end. Please believe that... One thing I have learned<br />
is that we are all infinitely stronger than we give ourselves credit for. That does not mean that we do not have sad or angry days, or that we have to do it all by ourselves. You have the right to have your needs met just like the family that you are taking care of in some ways now. Sometimes we need to receive so that we have something left to give. Do you know what I mean? <br />
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I hope that something I have said has helped. If you would like to message me, that would be ok;) Please keep telling yourself that things will improve...one step at a time.

Please please get help. I can relate to a lot of the details that are happening in your life, but please see a doctor, calls someone, get some help.

Get to a doctor straight away and be honest with him about what your feeling and the pills. He will help you, the thoughts of it is worse but please do it.<br />
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Get those relatives off their bums and to get out an get a job. Are you expected to pay for them all on your own? You have too much on your shoulders at the min thats why you need help ASAP.

She's right.<br />
By the way how old r your other relatives? Can't they get a job as well? It's not fair that u r the only one working and paying the bills.<br />
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If u r working then they should at least take care of the house. Cleaning, cooking and stuff like that.<br />
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Try to talk to them. It's good if can get some help before it get out of hand. <br />
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Good luck

yes, go to see a doctor. i always feel alone in my family but i have tried to do something interesting for myself. just spend a little time for yourself and dont forget you have kids to take care of.

One more thing, it is normal to feel alone and depressed and evven more depressed when you cant get actual "alone" time. Just please go see a doc

you are going to kill yourself!!!!!! 30 pills a night? Your liver is going to shutdown. Who is going to take care of your kids? Go see a doctor and talk to him about yoru depression and your habit of taking sleeping pills. Good luck