Why Do I Do It to Myself?

I think I have reached the decision to just not go to parties or out with groups of people anymore. Whenever I do I constantly think "why did I say I would come, I could have been having a nice evening alone doing my own thing".

Part of me tries to be outgoing and go to events but the greater part of me is just not interested in hanging out with a group of people. I seems to be Miss Invisible the majority of the time and I'm sure that people only try talk to me, if at all,  because they feel sorry for me, but the thing is, I have lots to say but I am not interested in saying it to the people I go out with. They witter on about all sorts of things that dont interest me and I am no good and not interested in making small talk. Why talk if you have nothing interesting to say.

I cant remember the last time I had a meaningful conversation with anyone out here in the real world. I am indifferent to the majority of people around me and this week I think I have finally come to terms with the lonliness I feel inside.

I now have one person in my life that understands me and even though he is not around alot of the time I am comforted to just know that he exists and that all the pain I have been through and am still going through is the vehicle that brings me closer to him everyday. I can be thankful for pain now because without it I would not have found my reason to carry on in this world.