Unbearable

I born in a middle class family in Eastern India. We were four brothers no sister. My father was a social worker, leader and philanthropist. We were not rich at all but just meeting basic requirements. My father used to work for 12 hours a day. A true honest man, and always stand by honesty in corrupt India where Prime minister to President is corrupt. Anyway when I was 5 years old my father murdered in front of me and I was so small to understand all this things. My mom was a brave lady and used to send me to juvenile court to get justice. All in vain NO JUSTICE BEEN DONE. Life was not very easy at that point of time. Mom raised all four son tried to give education at her capacity. After 13 years my elder brother and other brothers parted with family after marraige they never look back to us and left us to lead their married life, Now Mom and me, Mom used to complain abdominal pain and I used to go to local medical shop to bring pain killer, as we had not much money left and i had no idea about money we have. Mom used to give me small amount to bring medicine. I used to have 3 pairs of clothes only, out of that one was torned that I used to wear in home and one which one is good keep to go outside. The pain became unbearable and Mom had to consult Doctor, and she diagnosed pancreas cancer ( obstructional Jaundice). My whole world crashed before me. The Doctor informed me there is no treatment as such and she is going to live at the most three months. After 8 months she died and I performed all the rituals according hindu religion. Then my journey begins as a loner. worked as a waiter in night shift in hotels to support studies. and I used to get free food on duty. Anyhow completed study and left my MOM's Place...I swear not to be back again as my mom's memory everywher.....then got and was doing well....met a girl...I got married....became father of my daughter. My wife started a relationship with another man....and we were divorced now...it is now almost 4 years I have not seen my daughter....any how living my journey of life, hoping my daughter will one day come to see me. I wanted just love and a family, But GOD has snatched everything that I used to love. Now I don know what to do, no one to talk, no one calls me, no one cares....just roam around the city on foot Alone at night day...see people....they are so happy with family....going to mall ,...going for movie....eating at restaurant....I pray GOD give me pain more pain what ever pain you can give me but promise me you won't give pain to others in world. Give me all your pain....and take whatever I have.............
Avi707 Avi707
36-40, M
6 Responses Jul 11, 2010

loss is awful . I am 42 and disabled. I have 3 children who are young adults now and beginning to leave home. I am scared because my health is getting worse and I do not know my future. I had a bad upbringing and basically life has been very tough BUT I do live in the UK. Anyway I just want to say I am so sorry for your loss. Seeing your father murdered and your mum die ...horrendous..no idea how you have coped. then to lose your family...life is tough...but like me..do not give up..you know I look at others all the time and think they have it much better but you do not know what others are really feeling or thinking. One of my closest friend's husband was murdered and you never get over that whatever people say you just learn to move on somehow...so just want to say you are not alone and keep going. Concentrate on sorting yourself out so that when your kids do see you they see a healthy dad... only you can bring change. Get help if you can. A doctor maybe? anyone..on here is great start... and do not allow these awful past events to steal all your future...kind regards

I only can say this prayer.<br />
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LORD GRANT ME THE SERENITY<br />
TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CAN NOT CHANGE<br />
TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND<br />
WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

Yes you've had a difficult life there's no doubt. BUT, ask yourself, what role did I play in the loss of my family? Rarely does it ever happen that we lose everyone in our lives for no reason. Your wife started a relationship with another man, is it possible her needs were not being met in the marriage? Usually when a partner strays from the marriage it's because they are not finding what they need inside the marriage, you must accept some small portion of responsibility for that.<br />
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What efforts have you made to find your brothers and rekindle a relationship with them and their families? What efforts have you made to fight for a relationship with your daughter?<br />
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Don't spend your time placing all the blame on others, try to look inward and see if there is something you could have done differently, see if there is something you could be doing differently now.<br />
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In the end, if you determine that you have done all you an and that you share no responibility for all that has happened, then the only thing you need to do is forgive people, the world, society, god, for all that has happened to you and create change in your life, build a new family, find new love, create new love, build new friendships, give of yourself for others, care for others, love others, make others a priority in your life, and love will come to you.<br />
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Don't sit around complaining about what you don't have, create the life you want, draw a picture in your mind of what life you'd like to have and now start taking the small baby steps to create and build that life....it can be done.

I'm sorry you suffer so much. Are there no support groups in your area?

Mam I am already started working with destitude eldely people....the problem I am facing now.....every one having a unique story of their life...I am very emotiona. I do cry along with them....this is not good mam

Busy yourself in helping others - this will take your mind off being alone and will open you to a new world. Make helping others in any way a goal for today. You will make a friend soon.