Why?

I was brought up by parents living in a different era to the one we were actually living in! Friendships were discouraged if not actively vetoed. I escaped from this repression + went to university, but horror of horrors found my past had made me unable to be the person i so wanted to be. I couldn't make friends, I didn't know how to be myself. Eventually I dropped out having met a man 13 years older than me. I had his child. I became a victim of domestic abuse at his hands. Since then I've left him, + had other partners, but nothing was ever right-if they're not married and just wanting me for a plaything, then they're unstable! Currently I'm having an affair with someone who never seems to have enough time for me-literally. My son is getting on with his own life and mine seems to have stopped. I spend so much time on my own sometimes that I forget how to be around other people+ sometimes just prefer my own space-cause i'm so used to it I guess. No contact with my family, and still don't know how to make friends.  
selina selina
36-40, F
5 Responses Apr 9, 2007

you may have more friends than you think ! that think will give you more friends !

Go to your favorite place in your town, or if you're in a city, drive twenty minutes out of it, just find a quiet place with no people. Lay down, and just look up. Don't even let yourself think. After a while, you'll be able to answer your "why." I'm a religous guy but that doesn't have much to do with what i'm saying. Just try it?<br />
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Absolutly everything works out; it has to. Just always see the beauty in even the worst of times, and when the best of times come around, never let yourself let them go.<br />
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One more thing to do to help ya out, look your child in their eye's and tell em you love them. If even at the most basic level you went through all of that so that your child wouldn't have to, and would have someone that they could look up to.<br />
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best of luck,<br />
--scott

you want your own company because you feel you are the only person you trust. you have been hurt so much by so many people that you have allowed yourself to come in contact with and your afraid to let it happen again. sweetheart i know this is hard, but you can't live life like that. there is someone who is right for you who won't treat you wrongly, and isolating yourself in the long run will only make you feel even more depressed and alone, for your sake try hard, if you already have, try harder. you sound so strong, you have strength you can do it. go to a few community groups get invlovled with things. make the first step into getting back in touch with family. whatever you do, please dont allow yourself to be isolated i know what that does to a person. and if u ever feel like talking mail me, or just ignore me as long as u help yourself.

The first part of your story sounds just like mine. My parents live like hermits to this day and were very discouraging of me getting close to or trusting anyone. It has been a struggle for me to become independent of them and to make friends. I reacted in an opposite way than you, though: I have isolated myself rather than fear rejection. I have become a Christian and am constantly praying for help, but sometimes it seems like I just will never fit in anywhere.

I KNOW THIS MAY SEEM STRANGE BUT I DO JNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. I LIVE MY LIFE THE SAME WAY. I WAS MARRIED TO AN ABUSIVE HUSBAND FOR SEVERAL YEARS AND ONCE I GOT OUT OF IT I JUST WANTED TO BE ALONE. I MET ANOTHER GUY AND I DID NOT WANT TO DATE HIM I GAVE IN AND DID OF COURSE I ENDED UP BEING HURT EIGHT YEARS AND I HE LOVES SOMEONE ELSE GO FIGURE. I FEEL SAFE BEING ALONE NOT BEING AROUND PEOPLE NOT HAVING TO SPEAK O THE PHONE NO CONTACT AT ALL. MY MOM LIVES MAYBE FIVE MINUTES AWAY AND I HAD NOT SEEN HER FOR EIGHT MONTHS. I WISH I KNEW HOW I GOT THIS WAY AND WHY. WHEN I AM AROUND PEOPLE I CAN CONVERSATE ABOUT ANY AND EVERYTHING BUT USUALLY I CAN'T WAIT TO GO HOME. SINCE MY SPLIT WITH HIM I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW DO I RESTART MY LIFE. I AM JUST TIRED OF BEING THE ONE HURT.......