All I Ever Wanted

all i ever wanted was a loving family..

i didnt have one and i never found a surrogate family. i'm just not good enough to earn love from people

i hoped over time i would harden and get used to being alone in this life but i didnt.

its just not who i am, and the part of me that could be that way was also the demon that made me unlovable to others.

the part of me that wanted love - the real me i guess? if there is such a thing - knew i needed to give up or lessen that part of myself

even though that part made me feel strong too.

so here i am

every day it just gets harder and harder to be alone in this world.

i never made a life for myself. if i could go back and do it all over again i'd do it different but i dont have a leg to stand on or any hope

i could do wonderful things with my life if i had the support of a loving family.

but the longer i do not the more i lose hope and can't even care about the things that my real self would be passionate about.

my real self is shriveling to nothing from despair.

and the more this happens the less lovable i am even, the less likely i am to ever have someone want me to be part of their family.

it is my sorrow and need that ensures i will be alone forever.

how did i get like this?

i wish i'd known from the start what i wanted out of life, i might have been able to make it happen.

but how could i? having the unhealthy family that caused so much pain was so overwelming it blinded me to how i really felt about the idea of family. i didnt know what i wanted only that i was unloved and depressed and wanted to leave this world. and those things are still true now, even though i am old enough that i should have outgrown my need.

paradoxical paradoxical
22-25, F
30 Responses Mar 6, 2010

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You still have a life that you CAN change just listen to your friends they will care about you and give you go advice

I'm not going to give you a load of guff about ANY religion that you may not be ready for, because you can't devote yourself to any kind of belief until you believe in yourself. A lot of people don't realize that 'lonely' is just a state of mind. You create lonliness out of your hopelessness and when your life is filled with more 'hope' then loneliness subsides, whether you are physically by yourself or in a roomful of strangers. A family can give you encouragement, but in the is YOU who decides if you can believe in yourself. It is you who decides if you are strong enough to face your problems. If you have a family that isn't healthy and you realize it, then you are already on a good path to helping yourself....and you are ahead of so many others who are in a similar situation. My advice:...start a support group for people such as yourself and help lift each other up. When you are ready for God and Jesus, Buddha, Allah, or will eventually figure that out. But....don't let others make you feel guilty for learning who you are. You are still VERY young and at your age, this is a time to 'learn' about yourself, Look to your community, get some counseling and make a difference to children, so they won't have to go through the same pain that you are experiencing now. Hugs....I love you because you are you!

well if ou make a conscience decision not to open the door that Christ was knocking at, then that person that told you about Christ should get up wipe him self off & let uyou be lonely till you die because a life with out Christ, is empty, alone, & lifeless .....Do not expect happiness, since you choose to turn your back to the one that created you, sorry in a bad mood & people that do not want to accept Jesus/ God as their Lord and Savior really tick me off.... so have fun being lonely.... I wouldda offered my love to you if you, would believe in accepting Christ in your heart. Why dont u at least give the word of God a try, if not ......Well God bless u

if you are only between the ages of 22-25? then you are still very young. It is not too late. I understand what you are saying and how you feel. I am 20 years older than you. I have been single since my mid twenties and as a disabled mum brought up three children alone. My childhood was awful and I have spent years trying to work on anything family wise. My children will be leaving soon and I feel very very alone. My health is getting worse and I feel scared I, like you, will just be left. I can not go out alone on my own and so am confined to the house unless someone offers to take me out when I feel well enough which is not a lot. YET there is hope. I go to college.even though I feel ill...I am aiming for uni even though my education will be hard to do. I am not relying on any person to help me cos reality is no one can always be there for you. Its cos none of us are perfect even if we want to stay around we can't always ... I have learnt that I am worth making an effort for and although I still struggle with depression I pick myself up. I had a horrendous start to life. followed by becoming disabled in my mid 20s and being left with 3 small kids. Has been awful but you know what. I was alone a huge amount of time but I am not staying there and neither do you have to. I noted your English is great for someone that has maybe not been so well taught? Not sure even if you live in the UK? But take some steps. Small steps. Go to your doctor. you sound depressed. Get some help. I did...psychologist , counsellor. Try and write a list of what YOU want to do and as you find out what you want to do you will find people on the way that are like you and maybe even the one you would like to be with? I do not hold out much hope anymore for a partner and as I have three young adult children it is not such a big deal for me....but I do believe I will find like minded people along the route I have chosen simply because I have worked out actually with a psychologist and counsellor how to figure out who that person is you talk about. Then that person hurt and smashed decided to get up and figure out for myself what I want...tiny at a time...really tiny..but in the right direction..and you will change your life. I know it feels hard but my advice is get professional help(there are nice folk that are paid to listen which is better than nothing-you have to get over the fact they are paid to is worth it) and take small steps towards your future. leave the past behind you...but only you can do this. and you can. You took the first step just writing out how you feel. all the very very best at this Christmas time...keep going

p s .... my disability is neurological affecting all my senses so I am a wheelchair user...etc..just in case you wondered...:)


I love you :3

Jesus Loves You, You just need to study from him and learn. Your never alone. He's always there, Just ask him. Talk to him every day. He will help you<br />
read this <br /><br />
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Reveals the simplest secret ever of happiness

YOu can't DEMAND love from others or from the DO have to earn it, and you earn love by being loving, by giving of yourself for others, by making your mark in this world, by contributing to society, by contributing to the lives of the people around you, by making a small difference in this world. <br />
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You sound like you haven't done much with your life...that may be contributing to the reason why you're not being surrounded by people who love you. In order to gain love from others you need to give it first, and while you say you're a loving person, how is that being shown and exemplified to the people around you? <br />
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Maybe you should stop feeling sorry for yourself, and start contributing to the world around you and love will come to you automatically.<br />
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Saying you're a loving person but living a life where you are not productive, not contributing to anything, not making a difference is not really being a loving person now is it. Talk is cheap, actions speak volumes.<br />
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You can't blame your lack of success and productivity in life on others, that is a choice YOU'VE made. You are asking for people to love you FIRST and then you'll contribnute to society, to the world, and you'll do things with your life, - it doesn't work that way my friend. You don't get to demand love from others with a carrot dangled in front of them that if they love you then you will contribute, you have to contribute first and people will automatically love you.<br />
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I have no family, no spouse, no children, and minimal friends, I am alone in the world, but I don't use it as an excuse for not being productive or for not contributing, I give of myself whenever and wherever I can, I work hard so I can contribute to the success of the company, as a result I am loved by the people there, I go out of my way for people and help people, strangers and friends alike, and as a result I am loved by many people. I choose not to have my life flooded with people, being alone in life is a personal choice I've made, but it has not left me unloved...I know I am loved, and the reason I'm loved is because I contribute positively to the lives of the people around me, to society, to the world.<br />
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You are feeling sorry for yourself my friend, you are placing the blame for your own lack of productivity and success on the fact that others have not loved you, this is a cop out, it's nothing more than an excuse and a way of shifting responsibility for your own life onto someone else.<br />
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Go do something with your life, make a mark, be productive, contribute, and you will find that love happens automatically.

If Like Very Much button existed, you got it I've already made that Click for sure. You sound almost like the voice in my head, after I disolved the self-pitty deffect that was driving me crazy. You are really inspiring man. Keep up that way. Kind regards.

may only be 17, but I have lived a life long beyond my years. And you remind me so much of myself. I know where you're coming from. And I know it may not be much but I'm here if you ever want to tlk to someone. I may not have the perfect answer but I'm sure I could help.

Paradoxical, I so enjoyed reading your honest expose' on your experience of loneliness. I have similar feelings having come from a dysfunctional family, foster care...yada, yada. And you're right, when you have a strong need to be loved it seems harder to attract people to love you - except other people who are needy too...and in my experience that hasn't worked out well. So we agree on that point. <br />
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Where we part is in our ways of dealing with this personal reality. You seem to have become a little bitter that people are so shallow and uncaring that they won't love the wounded. They only want someone with valuables and who have made a life for themselves. I think that may be what you think others think being reflected back at you. I'm sure you've heard of projection. So now on top of feeling unloved you're feeling disappointed and hopeless. I have been here too. Sometimes I go even now for short visits then get the hell out of there as soon as I can, LOL. The minute we start a sentence with "People are so..." we have probably gone astray into projection and the people we're talking about is none other than ourselves.<br />
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However, I too like you resort to spiritual understanding to find some measure of relief from this tendency to feel unloved. I think of all the other people in the world who may be feeling that way and I feel compassion for them. I try to think of a way that I can reach into the world and help eradicate this problem. Even if only in a small way. That's how I found your letter. I googled "alone in the world". I started thinking of solutions like how people who share this feeling can "adopt" each other. I know that may sound a little silly but it helped me. And it helped me to know after reading your letter and seeing there were many others here, that I'm really not alone. This may help you too. When you feel at your lowest just sit quietly and think of all the others who may be feeling just as horribly alone and unloved as you...and send them your love.

Wow this is a really great conversation! I must say that right here and now. It's rare that people are so forthright about what they believe. Maybe it's just because we're on-line that we're able to do this. Most people when I talk about God just close up and don't want to talk. <br />
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So here's where we agree; it is better for you to read and discover the truth of the Bible for your self, and it is true that you reap what you sow, and religion cannot save you.<br />
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And here's where we don't; as terrifying as the thought is, I belive in an eternal Hell because that's what the Bible says that there is. Thinking it through logically the Bible says that any who believe in Him will recieve Eternal Life (Heaven), of course the body dies but the soul is eternal and lives forever. But if you do not believe then you will be seperated from His love forever (Hell). That's what the Bible says and it makes sense to me.<br />
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The thing about the Bible and belief is that it has nothing at all to do with religion. In my opinion religion is the manifestation of the Law, the Ten Commandments and all that. In and of it's self the Law is not evil, however we can never measure up to the perfect standard of the Law. So in the end something that was meant to be our guide and life became condemnation and death. That's why God sent His Son to die for us, so that Love could conquer sin and we would have everlasting life. Once that was done we were set free from being slaves to religion and the Law, so that we could become slaves to the perfect love of Christ. Most of this stuff comes right out of Romans in case your wondering if I'm making it up or not. <br />
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So I look at the whole asking Christ inot your heart thing a little bit differently. It's more like changing who you serve. You can serve yourself and end up going to Hell or you can serve God and recieve forgiveness and everlasting life forever and ever.<br />
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Tagg!!! Now it's your turn.

i have heard the "its your choice if you wanna go to hell" argument from a lot of christians and i actually sort of agree. i just dont believe in eternal hell. the things in the bible make more sense when i interpret them from my own inner understanding. hell is a transient state here on earth, one that is perpetuated when people perpetuate animosity (something many organized religions, unfortunately, do- and part of why i dislike organized religion in general). to me the whole asking christ into your heart thing is just a metaphor for living with love in your heart - since that was his greatest message. when you live with love, you perpetuate heaven in your life for yourself and your others. and you reap what you sow.


I'm glad your at least considering what I'm saying long enough to comment back. I understand it's your choice as to what you believe, just as it's my own. Free will is one of the most precious gifts God gave us.<br />
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I've met lots of people who say they can't believe in a loving God who would send people to Hell. The truth is that its our own choices that decide whether we end up in Heaven or Hell. God is Just, but He is also Merciful. He gives everyone a chance to choose thier own fate, He also judges us by the same standerds we judge others. So whether we go to Heaven or Hell when we die is completely up to us. You can't have one side of the coin though without the other one existing.<br />
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It makes me sad, and angry, when I hear people using Hell as a scare tatic into getting people to conform. The Bible says, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son...", you know the rest. <br />
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So I guess what I'm saying is that I really don't belive in all the religion nonsense. I mean the going to church, and reading your Bible, or praying, it doesn't do a bit of good. In the end we all die and our deeds will be forgotten. I can't be a perfect reflection of Christ, not that I don't try. But I don't expect other people to be perfect either. <br />
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I'm not trying to "save" you. Jesus already did that, I'm just trying to introduce a new mode of thought into your mind; that there's a possibility that some Christians truly are sincere, that even though God created Hell, He created Heaven to, and He made a sure and sufficient way to get there.<br />
That all that's needed is already present, you just need to make the choice yourself.<br />
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So have a blessed Easter. And, hey, if you want to talk about some less serious stuff I'm sure we've got something in common to talk about... maybe. I know that talking about this kind of thing can make some people uncomfortable. And I really don't want to pry into matters that aren't my buisness without being invited. I guess it's technically to late for that though. Oh well, there goes my recomendation for the Perfect Manners Award...

oh, well if we have to choose sides i'm picking mom. she said dad's hell bullshit is just him trying to scare us into doing things his way.<br />
to answer your question, though, the more i practise my religion, the more i feel at peace. not that it's any of your business but i guess you feel like a place where people can come to express themselves is a good place to make personal comments such as that and proselytize.<br />
i've had lots of patriarchal christ pushers knocking at my door. i was even raised christian. if i was gonna bite that fear of hell **** i think i would have caved by now. i don't see anything wrong with being chris-tlike, but i do that my way. he didn't appreciate the establishment and neither do i. his "followers" are often just like the pharisees he admonished.<br />
not that your religion isn't fine for you, but don't deny what it is. it's a religion. you believe what that religion pushes on you. thus you believe in hell. i believe we should all decide what to believe for ourselves. how does your belief in hell make you feel? i can't imagine why it would bring you peace to try to fathom a loving god that sends people to an eternal hell, but okay.<br />
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"One's own religion is after all a matter between oneself and one's Maker and no one else's."<br />
— Kahlil Gibrán<br />
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I hope you don't feel like I am trying to express animosity towards you. I understand that this is your way of trying to be caring, I just find it to be an ineffective way and want to express my thoughts on why.

Who said I was talking about religion? It's a mistake that people often make, mistaking Christainity for a religion. The actual meaning of the word Cristian is "Christ Follower" or "Christ Like". The point of Christianity is not to be a member of a religious group, but a family. Of course there are many "Christians" who view the whole thing as a set of rules and regulations to follow, if not they'll go to Hell. Don't get me wrong I do believe in Hell, but I don't trust in my own works to save me from there. For that I trust my Heavenly Father who sent His Son to die for my sins. <br />
One question I'd like to pose to you is this; does your religion fill you with a sense of lasting peace and comfort? If it doesn't satisfy that need for love in your heart,and do so completely, then why do you practice it?

thanks, livingpoet, but i already have my own religion.

It seems that lots of people are drawn to your story. Maybe that's because all anyone wants is love. We search for it in our relationships with other people, but people are fickle. How does that Shakespearian line go, "... One foot in sea, and one on shore, to one thing constant never..." <br />
So if we can't depend on people to provide us with the love we so desperately crave where do we turn? Ourselves? No, I don't think so. We desire something outside of ourselves, an external source of love that will never flicker or fade. Like an artesian well that never runs dry. Does such love exist? I believe it does.<br />
If you want to know what I'm talking about, if you want to find the love that will change your life so utterly you need do only one thing, accept a free gift. For there is someone who loves you, He's waiting for you to make the first step though, that's just the way He is, He won't force you to come to Him and make the change. You've probably guessed that I'm talking about Jesus here. Maybe no one's ever told, you, maybe you think He doesn't care. But He's calling out to you, He wants to share your life, you just need to let Him in. <br />
If you have any questions, I'm here to talk to.<br />
- TheLivingPoet<br />
P.S.- I may never have met you, but I love you too! :)

i say u r not alone..and u can do wonderful things in ur life if u believe......sometimes we need others to remind us ,but i tell u i see u have good heart..hugs*

thank you, broodingfire. it is good to be reminded of those things :)

There are people out there who see that sorrow and need as the mark of a beautiful soul, me included - I can't explain why, but it is a thoroughly lovable quality. Reading these sad words make me want to offer a hug, though behind the screen I can only offer words of encouragement.<br />
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I hope that you will come across someone who sees the beauty in your sorrow and can give you the comfort you deserve. It's a tall order, I know how quick most people are to abandon those who are inconvenient for them or don't fit their perfect standards of happiness. But kindred exceptions exist for you, don't lose hope. :)

thankyou so much to those of you who gave me feedback on this. you are truly warm and caring people. thankyou for your patience.

I've been contemplating it a lot and I guess it is a really big fear for me, sometimes a fear can get so big it feels annihilating. when i'm really lonely it feels like that's all there is consuming my entire life. When I try to challenge the fear I feel so much resistance. I guess I need to work harder to challenge it, because I am not doing myself any good by being consumed by this fear.

i already worked on loving myself. i believe i desserve love. i just no longer believe other people are capable of it. and i think most people only wanna love other people if they are accomplished and not needy. i know the truth about myself and i am needy. i have nothing in life. so why would anyone wanna be with me? all i have is a good heart, and to most people that isn't enough. its other people i have low esteem for, not myself; and its all based on real experiences. i just wanna be proven wrong. i just want something more out of life than the emptiness i've been given.

it seems sometimes i am more lovable than others. normally i am a really loving person. i used to feel realyl purposeful (thats what i meant about not caring about the stuff i used to) i wanted to help the world in a variety of ways.. part of what brings me down so much is that even those who love me are so inconsistant. everyone leaves in the end. it kinda makes me not wanna be in the world. i just feel like i could acheive so much if i had someone who loved and believed in me that i could count on. i guess its wrong of me to feel that way. i should be satisfied to be alone. i cant seem to make myself feel that way.

i cant, i dont wanna do anything without being loved. i used to think i could, now i know better. its not about the past. these things are part of the present too. im still alone and i dont even have a home or a purpose or anything of value in me.

Let go of the past. This is what's stopping you to move forward. You can not change what has happened. Use the pain you felt in extreme reverse...and do something great with your life starting TODAY. :)

i want to be courageous. dont know how

Time to move forward, Par. Knowing you missed something in your life is acceptance and that's bravery..............Letting go and moving on is courage. I would rather have yourself described to be courageous. :)

what is it then, luck? why are some people loved and not others?