All I Ever Wanted
all i ever wanted was a loving family..
i didnt have one and i never found a surrogate family. i'm just not good enough to earn love from people
i hoped over time i would harden and get used to being alone in this life but i didnt.
its just not who i am, and the part of me that could be that way was also the demon that made me unlovable to others.
the part of me that wanted love - the real me i guess? if there is such a thing - knew i needed to give up or lessen that part of myself
even though that part made me feel strong too.
so here i am
every day it just gets harder and harder to be alone in this world.
i never made a life for myself. if i could go back and do it all over again i'd do it different but i dont have a leg to stand on or any hope
i could do wonderful things with my life if i had the support of a loving family.
but the longer i do not the more i lose hope and can't even care about the things that my real self would be passionate about.
my real self is shriveling to nothing from despair.
and the more this happens the less lovable i am even, the less likely i am to ever have someone want me to be part of their family.
it is my sorrow and need that ensures i will be alone forever.
how did i get like this?
i wish i'd known from the start what i wanted out of life, i might have been able to make it happen.
but how could i? having the unhealthy family that caused so much pain was so overwelming it blinded me to how i really felt about the idea of family. i didnt know what i wanted only that i was unloved and depressed and wanted to leave this world. and those things are still true now, even though i am old enough that i should have outgrown my need.