Sleeping Pills

I realize this is as big or small a deal as you let yourself make it. For me, the holidays (Thanksgiving & Christmas) and the surrounding season is a very big deal. I have reconciled myself with being alone the rest of the year, no friends, no family (all dead except one, and we don't communicate). I long ago got used to having my birthday come and go, nothing special at all other than a date on the calendar, no greetings except perhaps a card from an insurance agent or frequent flyer program, no gifts (I don't expect nor want any), nothing. And really even that isn't that big a deal. But the holidays...

Something about warm memories of times long gone, maybe the best time of the year when you have family, and the media, and others you know all having a place they belong...and you don't...and you feel a lot of pain.

Here it is August and I happen to be thinking about it. Not this year, yet, but reliving last year and the year before. I realized I had these options:
1. go to a bar, get drunk, no one will speak to me except for the bartender, drive home, sleep it off
2. liquor store, home, drunk, sleep it off (I normally drink very little)
3. restaurant alone, pay to eat alone, home, try to sleep and forget and soon it is over
4. buy food, cook alone, eat alone, sleep, forget if you can, next day it is over
5. (the one I've done now 2 years running) take sleeping pills night before, anything to get beyond the day as unconscious as possible...when you wake, shower to be fresh, take more pills, back to bed. Eventually it is Friday, the wretched day is over, you've eaten nothing and so (big plus) you probably lost a little weight from your Thanksgiving fast. Go to Starbucks, sit there 3 hours drinking free refill coffee, alone, try to forget. Start thinking of the looming Christmas.

I've thought about going to a shrink, get better pills, maybe xanax or something, just to get it over with. Of course pills don't get you a purpose in life, a friend, a reason to go on. They just make the pain less noticeable. But hey, you do what you gotta do.

ncogit ncogit
51-55, M
1 Response Aug 14, 2013

Your story is similar to mine. Just wanted to reach out to you. It is really hard. I hope you have found a way to cope