With A Fake Smile,nobody Will Notice, That The War Inside Of Me Is Hurting

As I'm surrounded by people, I just don't feel like I belong, don't feel like blending in, I'm always feel alone, or the last one to blend in in a group of people, I'm always on the side. Not that people don't come talk to me, they talk, laugh, and all, I just don't feel the connection, I lost it at some point, got hurt, and because of it, I instantly pull people back. I'm working on improving things, on fixing it... and there comes the fake smiles. It's like we talk, we laugh, then just like that I feel stupid, for laughing at what they said, and feel like having this comportement doesn't feel right, and get sad... they say I'm lunatic...because they don't know about the war between my feelings. There's not a day I don't cry or feel the need to... I try so hard to turn these bad feelings off, that I became numb, I don't care about anything, nothing has value anymore, I just live, talk and laugh, as if I was normal, and whenver I feel bad I bury that feeling untill I'm alone, or until I can't no more, and then I cry... I cry... I guess every one feels like this at some point in their existence.
I just can't take it anymore, I feel lonely, and want to pull back all the people around me, to have space, but for what, to feel even lonelier?
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18-21, F
May 12, 2012