Nobody Would Know If I Die...

I'm 32 years old single, I'm the youngest by 5 and 6 years from my brother and sister respectively, being ages that far apart I was ignored most of the time at the table or anywhere else, I also was shadowed in their academic and extra curricular activities. My father wanted just 2 children and soon after my birth he got struck financialy very hard and blamed me and my mother for it. I grew up very distant from my father and I haven't seen any expression of affection from him towards my mother in my lifetime.

At my age of 4 I remeber being depressed for the first time, my aunt had died in a car accident and I got struck by war images in the news and couldn't understand the senseless killing of eachother as humans.

My upbringing was religious, my father is strong catholic believer (hipocrit?), but by the time I hit puberty I couldn't take it more and decided drift away from a good catholic life, I started drinking hard by the age of 12 and 3 years later I would be getting drunk 4 to 6 days a week and started smokking weed, but liked it so much I got scared and stopped for a while.

At this age I felt surrounded by friends and I always had a party to attend, I tried to have a couple of girlfriends, but I never got through the right one or might it be that I'm a large guy with some extra kilos (when I was 9 I was just as tall as my 14 year old brother and would get into any bar or disco since no one thought a guy my size could be under 18 that and a fake license), my large posture and young age would make me target a lot of bugging of older children. I never had a girlfriend in high school or university. My self confidence was and is very low and back then with the drinking I started fighting a lot until I started smoking weed again in university and stopped the drinking.

Ever since I remember I have suicide thoughts driven by my depressions I suffer since the age of 4, every road I cross I ask if I should stop in front of the car, every bridge I walk on I ask if I should jump off...

I suffer from dislexia and don't coordinate verywell my right side (clumsy) and this made it very hard during University where I got a degree in Electronic Engineering at my father's will and not film academy, photography or comunication sciences as I would have loved. One week after my graduation I was smoking a joint a dealers house when the police busted the place. I got arrested but not charged, instead the corrupt police extortioned my father and let me go without charges after he paid them off. I decided this would never happen again sold my car, bought a plane ticket and moved to Amsterdam.

I got a good job and tried to start a life but I was so depressed and traumatized by my expirience in my home country that I locked my self in my appartment and just would leave for work and restock supplies, in this time I became very introverted and shy and it took 3 years before I returned to my home country. When I did I met a beautyfull 18 year old girl (I was 27), fell in love with her and when I returned to the Amsterdam I made all arrangements for her to come to Europe and travel around, but shortly after her arrival, it was clear to me that she had just used me for my money and broke my heart and my wallet.

At my job colleagues where very reserved and we never engaged in any social activities. I started hanging out at pubs and coffeeshops to see if I met someone, but I soon realized that most of the people where tourist passing by or not exatly the people you would like to relate to. I was about to give up when at work a new secretary started working, she was a bit the easy desperate type, but i thought so am I and we started a relationship, this was my true first love and we where together for almost 3 years, she had a rough time with me as I had lost trust in women with my previouse expirience and it would show in jealouseness, add to that my constant depressions...

At the begin I would try to avoid showing her my depressions but when it became to obviouse we talked and she came to the conclusion that I suffered from bipolar disorder and I decided to get proffessional help. I started getting treatment with lithium and xanax (later I understood this was a treatment for acute manic states and what about me being depressed all the time) I gained 30kgs, felt worse and sedated all the time which lead to me loosing my job and eventually my relationship in a horrible and shamefull way with this great woman, when this happened I started a selfdestructive stage, first trying every drug in the book, I got a tattoo half size of my back and finally I decided to swallow every pill I had in the cabinet including 500 lithium 40 tramadols, loads of sintromitis, etc, such was the dose that my stomach couldn't hold it in for more than a couple of minutes and I started throwing up, burn and my head was exploding in such way that I started getting 2nd thoughts of what I had done and call the emergency number, then I started getting 2nd thought about having called for help and when for a knife and tried to slice my wrists but such was my intoxication that I couldn't do much before the police arrived and put me in an ambulance to the hospital. After a few hours doctors stabalized me I decided to escape the ER and slept in the streets for fear of the police getting me from my house. News got to my family and then they started looking for me my mother flew in to Amsterdam and i agreed to get treatment if they didn't give me sedatives and stuff that would depress me more. But at the begining they started giving me a cocktail of haldol, robotril and depakene, which would make me feel drunk and a couple of day latter I got in a fight with police and arrested, I didn't get charged with anything since they used a bit to much force on me and the reason I got in the fight was because a policeman denied shaking my hand because I was foreinger and I commented that I thought it was racist of him and before I knew it he started hitting me (talk about the Netherlands being a civiliced and having freedom of expression). But what did happen is a judge sent me for 6 weeks to mental clinick and I didn't have much choice on my treatment.

It's one year now since I got released from the hospital, I lost hope in humans, I have no friends in Amsterdam and my friends back home have forgotten most of my birthdays, never call or email back unless they plan to visit. I live here 7 years now and don't feel like I belong here but I don't feel that there's nothing to go back to my home  country. I spent weeks, sometimes months without having any conversation with someone. How can I approach a woman and tell her I'm a mental patient, have no job or is it maybe that I'm just such a horrible person to the sight that no one wants me near them? Am I socialy impaired and not able to keep a relation of anykind? I'm still getting ignored by doctors about my depressive state, with the excuse that they are afraid to trigger a manic state, it's just like when I was a child and ignored at dinner time at the table. If they don't listen and don't want to do nothing about it what can I do? I'm stuck with the heath system provided here.

If life is a transition to the next level shouldn't I shorten it and get the pain over? Funniest thing about all is that most people that know me deny that I have a problem, I know I have it, maybe  I question mark the BPD stamp they have put on me or the way or resources they have to treat me just aren't enough.

My family doesn't know who I am, they don't know what music I like, what movies I like, what books I read, what my favourite colour is and they don't care most of the time, I could be selling my body and smoking crack and they wouldn't have the least of clues.

I got myself a dog to force me to get out of the door at least 3 times a day or stay longer periods outside in park, I will tell you the only thing that keeps me alive is my dog, he's the best and I can withstand every day because of him, but still I need friends, I need human touch and love, but I don't know how to get it and that's why I am alone. Don't think I can keep on writting, I actually have forgotten the reason why I'm posting this, maybe it's because hope dies last.


Sleepless in Amsterdam

sleeplessinamsterdam sleeplessinamsterdam
6 Responses Jul 1, 2008

the times may give you so much for you to surrender... there are still good people :) if ever that you need someone to talk to .. sigh things out... we're here :)

Dear Friend.

You are suffering, there is no denying that. You have lived longer than I did. Maybe went through more than I did.

Stop feeling that u are ugly inside or a bad person or any of this negativity. You are a good human being. You love the touch of humanity, u long for it, and you would love the person providing that to you.

You are very able to control your life, get into a relationship, enjoy loving someone and them loving u back.

U can work at your problems one thing at a time, starting with loneliness.

Talk to nice people, don't be afraid of making friends, don't care if someone tries to judge u, ignore the bad people.

Know that u are a good human being and are in search of another good person like u.

Don't let the bad people bring u down and always accompany nice people that wouldn't want to hurt u for fun.

Also if things don't work out immediately, then don't despair, it will work out with time : )

Don't ever think of ending your life, whenever a person dies, all of humanity at large gets sad. U said it yourself, when u were young u saw war screens and how shocked, scared and sad u felt seeing these things. Think of what will happen if a child sees u in such way trying to end your life.
Think of yourself when u were young and seeing someone end his life and how it would affect your life as child.

Our time on earth is precious, and we need to seek loved ones to share these beautiful moments with them. We all get sad whenever someone dies and even sadder when they end their life.

Never lose hope and live for hope of a bright new day and new life for you are a fellow good human being that feels and breathes and we all are with u all around u.

Good luck : )

Hey, I'm bipolar and come from a dysfunctional family too. I was emotionally abused, unloved and unwanted. I'm married to a wonderful man who loves me to death but still feel lonely. I'd like to have more friends but it's hard for me to connect with people. <br />
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Bipolar sucks!!!!!! I have type 2 so I suffer mostly from depression. I love being hypomanic because it makes me outgoing, energetic and happy but those days are few and far between.<br />
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I don't know what more to say but hang in there. Don't give up. I know you feel hopeless but that's just the depression. <br />
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I find that a healthy diet & exercise help my mood greatly. You probably need more stimulation too. Join a social or sports club. Just get out and do something.

awww*hugs u*

sleepless in amsterdam,<br />
<br />
i am Bipolar, and i know those horrible feelings. they overtake you, they fill you up until you feel like you'll explode. it twists your mind, and at times you don't know what to do with yourself. the horrible depression that makes you just want to fall onto a bed and stay there for the rest of eternity crying because nobody will come to wake you up. and then again that restless feeling you get, that random burst of anger or ambition that makes you do something unexpected, sometimes good, but usually something stupid. it's all so confusing, and it can tear your insides to shreds.<br />
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i haven't been through as much hardship as you, but i feel the power of mental illness within me every day. i am here for you, and i would love to talk to you. i don't know anybody who can really understand when i say "i'm bipolar". most people just freak out like i'm a monster. so i keep it secret, and when i do tell my closest friends, they say that they can't see anything wrong with me.<br />
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message me, and we can talk about whatever you want.

I won't say that i truly understand your situation, but i do understand being lonely; thinking you have no one to turn to. But the thing is is that you are the only true friend you'll ever have. Stay strong. I have learned from my experiences that if you try everyday to do something for someone else- no matter how big or small.. it will make you feel better. Whether it's a smile or opening the door for someone else.. the attempt is all you can make. Don't feel alone- if you ever need to talk, please write me. I'd love to speak with someone who is feeling the same way as i am. It helps to find comfort in strangers- knowing you have nothing to lose.. I have also learned that the best of friends are the ones that can relate to you.