Haven't Even Got Going

I just turned 21. I had one beer by myself and went to bed. I have two jobs and yet, I do not know anyone beyond their exterior. I do not know what I am even doing here. I came out of high school with a good idea of what I wanted to do, but now the ultimate reason to live both eludes me and forces me to find the bland, secure future distasteful and unwanted. I broke up with my girlfriend who I got along great with until she went to school abroad. The first semester we survived by a thread, and the second we did not last. I have had a perfectly mediocre life. My parents still love each other and were excellent role models, I went to a charter school, I recently moved out of my parent's house, and I was never bullied by anyone and have no childhood trauma. I moved out thinking that I wanted to make mistakes, live life with just enough to get by, and have a good time, only caring about the few important things in life. To me, there are only two important things. First is God, but I have been too ashamed to even pray, fearing that I have botched things too far. The second is love. I will hold out for a true love, such as my dad found when he was 29 and my mom was 19. Until then, however, the gaping hole where these things fit is pushing my mind into the dark places. I have considered suicide but will not; along with giving God the finger, it is the coward's way out. I keep thinking about where I could make new friends, good ones, the kind that you see outside of work and often. I feel like, with all of the things I can do, eat, see, experience, there must be something to help me feel alive but I am starting to think that only companionship and love will help. In today's society, however, I find that statistically unlikely, in my case. I am an INTJ, I watch the world walk by from the outside, observing, disgusted, as I see increased amounts of perversion, distance, and selfishness. Everyone I know at work swears on a minutely basis while I try to refrain...One guy I talk to won't stop telling me about the things he would do to that girl and that one over there too. I see not just the lives around me but the lives of society engaging deeper and deeper into greed, selfishness and desperation. I am the only one at work (I work with my age people) that believes in the sanctity of marriage with a one true love and am the only one who has a problem with hooking up with several people in a short time. Things MATTER to me that do not matter to anyone else. The direction we are headed... Anyway, I do not know why I am writing this. Nothing will come of it. Maybe I just needed to write something down to drain some of the thoughts that swirl in my head. I am aware that the Enemy's best time to visit us is when we are alone. Which I am. But still, I hope, for my hope keeps me going.
daretohope daretohope
18-21
1 Response Nov 29, 2012

welcome to the real world!