What Happens When You're The Only One Who Beleives In You And You Suddenly Don't?

So I'm currently in college pursuing a Bachelors Degree in engineering and I just feel like giving it all up.

I've never had anybody that believed in me or took much interest in me. My family has never been there for me. My parents were divorced and never around, but they always found it easy to encourage my younger siblings. I was always treated as if I was expected to do things on my own. My mother recently begun talking to me somewhat differently, but it’s simply impossible for her to fill the chasm she so easily created. I've never had many friends, but it seems I'm usually the one that's psychologically beneficial and they’re just wasting my time.

As a kid I was a horrible student and so I never got a chance to reveal my full potential. Growing up I spent most of my time daydreaming, wasting time in my head. I secretly held Einstein as my inspirational figure, not because I knew much about him at the time but because I knew he was known as one of the smartest people that ever lived. I never displayed or let anyone know some of my interests, like physics and philosophy, because I didn't want them to laugh at the dumb kid for wanting something he couldn't have. So school was always a waste and I never had outlets to learn about my secret interests.

At 24, I started college off pretty well. On paper, you never would’ve guessed I finished high school as a D student; but in person, people always gave me a stunned look as if “stupid” was written across my face. The world always seems to be on a different page than me. At 26, I realized that going into engineering would meld my biggest interests and my childish desire to save the world. I realized that I finally had an opportunity for purpose, that I could finally become who I wanted to be.

I want to be an engineer because I truly feel there is nothing else I want to do with my life. The only problem is that I'm just so tired of being the only person on my team. Maybe I’ve been the ignorant one all along, fooling myself into thinking everyone else was wrong. This semester has been my worst and I stand on the verge of failing every class I'm taking and I don't know how to fix it. Most of my time is spent reading textbooks. I keep falling behind because the material is becoming harder to process. To make matters worse, I've been in school for 5 years now and I don't have anything to show for it. I spent 3 of those years pursuing this engineering degree and I'm only halfway through. Everyone my age has a job and a life, but here I am, always so far behind with the smallest chance for success.

This loneliness turned into desire, desire became anger, and I’ve been pushing myself into a region I feel I have no business being in. Everyone else seems smarter and does things effortlessly, but I’ve been alone this entire time. How can I compete? They have support structures. They’ve been told all their lives that they were smart. Even with a false sense of ability, people can go far. But what happens when you have no one and you see through the clever words and superstitious beliefs? How can someone be encouraged/motivated by quotes and words from people that don’t really care? I’m sure I’ll just find a loophole in someone’s words. I already see the reduced value of those words since they're coming from a detached setting… but here I am… wondering who I am.

How can you persuade someone that has been fooled one too many times? Someone who has never had the opportunity to be human? It’s perfectly possible that of all the particles in the universe, at least one has traveled all throughout space for billions of years and never made contact. Always the observer, never a participant. Blind to the world.
deleted deleted
26-30
3 Responses Dec 7, 2012

I was hopeless at school and had no intention to continue after college. My desire to work overseas lead me back into University as a mature student studying IT. I'm 4 years into a 5 year part time degree. I spent my adolescence in front of a computer being told I was wasting my time, I was stupid, an idiot etc, etc. I turned that anger into motivation. I put a tremendous amount of effort into my work and it shows - my grades are excellent. My degree will be my salvation. You may not get another opportunity to study again so no matter how difficult it is just keep going. Do not quit. If you're finding the work difficult ask a tutor for help. It's their job and they're usually only too happy to help when asked.

Hang in there manifest, I feel the same way at times as well. I am also a non traditional student who trades in a lot of personal time for studies. You are right the closer we get to our desired occupation the harder the material becomes and we sacrifice a lot of living. I do believe by reading what you have written that you are a good person and might have become a bit introverted along the academic journey, I know I have as well. I can't offer you a beautiful solution to you're scenario but try to take comfort in knowing you are not alone and there is others out there like you. I personally felt better reading what you have written. Sometimes it's just nice to know there are others.
Sincerely
~s

Hey...friend...dont worry and dont bother abt others....ultimately its you who is going to take forward ur life....so its not a matter of when u reached...but where you reached...prove the world that you can also do great things....as Einstein...Wow u like physics and philosophy which means...which are really essential for this life....good to hear that....Keep going...you rock! dont be sad....and alone...afterall you came alone and leave alone so why to bother....u r ur best friend...All the very Best to you.. :)