I Am Tired of Being Alone...i Can Relate!

At my age, I am single (divorced twice), depressed (take Cymbalta 60mg daily) and cant sleep at night...right now, I am crying as I type this...I have noone in my life except my two dogs but they cant talk back or hold my hand at the doctors office or anything like that....I never had any kids but wanted some!! Now its too late....noone wants me...I am in my late 40s, look younger but two divorces and loss of job twice (not my choice) costs me financially and I dont have that much money (dont own my own house either)...WHO wants me now? noone....I even get told by 35-39 yr olds I am too old...so much for having kids (even though I found I COULD have kids......life sucks!!!) I dont trust those deep in religion because those have hurt me the most.....I dont TRUST anyone like that now...they are hyprocrites and liars...and would easily stab you in the back the 1st chance they get (I have that happen to me more than once)..I Used to be religious but after all the crap I have been put through, I cant follow that anymore.....and now I moving back to an area I left 10 yrs ago because there was nothing there for me....it has changed but I am afraid I still wont find anyone.....I dont make enough money or have a big house...and the only women who ARE interested are fat, ugly and needy...,

I give up......I am going die alone...I have felt for years...and NOW its going to be true....MY biggest fear was dying with soo much left undone.....My dad was taken from me at age 14...and now I am being cheated out of being a dad......what a crock....I hate life and even my friends dont call anymore.......guess they have too much in their life to do to worry about me..and where I am moving to (for an old job) I have few friends there...noone to worry me and noone to care about me..when my dogs die, I will probably die....I have nothing else...and sleep apnea makes it worse..I cant fall asleep at night and have to take pills to do that (Lunesta or Ambien)...have been for 4 yrs + now...and now I found I have apnea and thus I wake up feeling like crap.....WHY bother going on?? Everything is going downhill for me...I feel the end is getting close...even though my therapist says I am getting better...I sure dont feel like it....

I find myself crying every night and feeling empty...I have no one to hold or kiss...and have always been the nice guy...but as they say, nice guys finish last....looks like my finish is near...

 

houbuddy houbuddy
46-50, M
12 Responses Jun 6, 2007

I am not sure if it helps but I am in a similar position, my dad left when I was three and the only thing I remember was the beatings he gave me, it seems apprehensible I know but its true. My mother was OK with me and she struggled to look after us, then she met another man and was happy I think. I was also quite happy until they had a daughter and then I was basically OUT. I look back now as an old man and it hurts me a great deal, my real father never looked me up my step father has passed away and my mother and half sister ignore me. What ever people say it effects you a great deal and I do understand there are days when I feel just as you do. All I can say is truly I care and understand and my thoughts are with you. So reading the comments below remember you do have friends who care so they are real friends.<br />
mike

Take life one day at a time? I wish I could ease your pain.

I only just noticed the date you posted this story.<br />
Please update on your situation now, has it changed for the better?

Please don't give up, your story had me in tears. If you are destined to meet someone, you will.<br />
In the meantime give all the love you have to give to your dogs, they will always love you unconditionally, "mans best friend" and all that.<br />
You come across as a wonderfully caring person (you have dogs, what more can I say) if women you may meet don't see this, then you are far to good for them anyway.<br />
Try and think positive about your future and keep your chin up you never know who's round the next corner of your life.

im sorry you feel that way, i want to type more but i have to go.

If you really feel like that Why don't you start over elsewhere? You can go where you can have a change of scenery and also new people and a new start. i'm really sorry you're feeling so bad. I'll say a prayer for you. It's not God's fault that people who were supposed to be helping you,were actually harming you in some way. Although I can relate to the frustration and anger at them.We all have free will. Think about it ok? It seems like you need a new therapist too. Take Care<br />
Maureenb

If you really feel like that Why don't you start over elsewhere? You can go where you can have a change of scenery and also new people and a new start. i'm really sorry you're feeling so bad. I'll say a prayer for you. It's not God's fault that people who were supposed to be helping you,were actually harming you in some way. Although I can relate to the frustration and anger at them.We all have free will. Think about it ok? It seems like you need a new therapist too. Take Care<br />
Maureenb

If you really feel like that Why don't you start over elsewhere? You can go where you can have a change of scenery and also new people and a new start. i'm really sorry you're feeling so bad. I'll say a prayer for you. It's not God's fault that people who were supposed to be helping you,were actually harming you in some way. Although I can relate to the frustration and anger at them.We all have free will. Think about it ok? It seems like you need a new therapist too. Take Care<br />
Maureenb

Forgot to mention: I shared my plan with my closest friends in the beginning, and then began to slowly tell other people, all of whom have been very supportive and have offered ideas to help me with my plan. No one knows what to do when they see you rolling around on the ground, but if you hold up your hand, someone willl help you get up.<br />
<br />
Okay, that's my soapbox preaching for the day.

Gandhi said you must be the change you wish to see in the world, and I think that applies to our personal lives as well.<br />
<br />
In order to 'find' someone, you have to be someone that others are 'looking' for. I believe that you can control the negative and positive energy that comes your way, and the simple way to do that is to have a plan. Have you heard that when you lose control of your car you automatically head to what ever you're looking at? So don't look at the power pole! Look back down the highway and FOCUS on it. There are really only two paths we can take. One is the successful one and the other is the longer, more difficult road to the same place (I bet you though I was going to use the 'f' word). Either path is not easy, but you choose the one you take by your positive or negative thinking. You have to change your thinking in order to change the path of your life.<br />
<br />
Write down some goals in three different categories: tomorrow, next month and next year, and then write down the possible ways to meet the goals. If you really want to push ahead, write down a goal for five years from now (they say if you want a kitten, start by asking for a horse). The thing I'm asking you to do is to make a plan for your future, and it can be as simple as a way to move across the street. You start by finding out what's vacant over there.<br />
<br />
Nine years ago I created an 11-year plan to leave my marriage. The alternative was suicide, not because my husband was abusive or unfaithful, but simply because I realized that we were fundamentally different and I could not relate to him in any way. Before I made the plan I was depressed and felt completely hopeless. I am still depressed, but for different reasons, but at least I have my goals and my plan to keep me going. If you do the math you see that I still have two years left before my plan comes to fruition, and even at this late date, some of the details are still sketchy. But all this time I've been doing things to help the plan happen, such as getting my GED so that I could take college courses and get a better job.<br />
<br />
You have to take action! No one else will hold your hand and make your plans for you, but if you start, the people around you will notice an immediate change in your manner. They'll know that you have found a direction, and the negative energy around you will have been slowly replaced by your positive thoughts. You can manifest your own success, just by believing you can and by having a plan.<br />
<br />
Best of luck to you. Let me know when you make your plan. I'd love to hear it.

Do not give up, if it any consolation, there are people worse off than you,always seems to be anyway, Can you isolate the reason why you cannot meet someone? If you can maybe you can take small steps to finding someone, But do not give up... your friend

i can't pretend to fully understand your situation or what you are feeling, but have you ever considered seeing someone or talking through all of these emotions? i've seen counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists at different points and they have been helpful....<br />
<br />
or in your new area (with a new job) consider signing up for a recreational soccer league or volleyball, or something through a community center so you can start to meet people again.<br />
<br />
i'm sorry you feel so alone and down, my heart goes out to you....