I Cannot Find Myself As The Rest Of The Population

I really do not have a story and most of time I do not care what people think but I hide this lack of feelings.
The reason why I'm posting on this group is to see if there are other people out there that also have similar experiences like mine and knows the ''real'' reasons for that! I would accept any ideas from most intelligent to the obvious. However, only from people that also have this feelings or lack of it since that, only who really has this experience would know what I mean.
I do have a degree in engineering and now finishing a second degree in biochemistry, I do have a nice family and also I do not have any financial problems, I love my wife and kids, I never had problem with friends since I use to be popular amongst people. Just resuming my personal life to save time that may come from ''psychologists'' commenting that I must have a need in my personal or financial life.
The point is that at same time life do not really have a propose, it seems to be really important to me.
Most of my time I spend thinking about things that really does not exist yet and worse I cannot control it or describe with words what I imagine, like the complexity of an atom and its sub-particles to a singularity, philosophy, history, all segments of science including archaeology and anthropology music and debates why human being waste time doing things so useless to themselves or to others. It may sounds boring but it is really fascinating to me and all of this ideas are only 1% of what comes on my mind daily most of the time around 5 up to 30 thoughts come at same time. During my dreams becomes more impressive as I can control what is happening on it every single night and i can remember most of all dreams from the last 20 years or so. What is really annoying is the fact that when I do have a dream that I'm not controlling what is happing during the dream become a wake memory, and the only way that I know that memory of event never happen is because that memories would not fit on my daily schedule, like working with people that I do not know or in places that I never been before. Couple years ago 2 situations happened that was interesting and those are very short resumes: First. I was wearing a dark blue uniform in a field nearby woods a place which I have no idea where could be, soon after making sense of the place where I have just awaken in my apparently dream I started to hear and see people running away from something also making noises, in order to hide unaware about what was going on since it looked like real at that point to me, seamed sensible to get cover, so I rushed to a small river nearby to the road before those people coming to my direction see me. The person on the radio kept asking what I was observing as I tried to buffer the sound with my hand so nobody could spot me. Anyway as some people jumped inside the river they passed by my side but did not noticed me. The voice from the raid kept telling me to describe what was happing and soon after told me to get out of there but I could not something was holding me there as if I was bound to that place. The water in the river was so cold that I was freezing feeling intense pain, at that point I opened eyes and I could see a merged image of my wife by my side and the place where I was having that dream also hear her voices of her and the other people too. My wife was very worried shacking trying to wake me up but at that point I was awake and I could see she doing that, my temperature was below 33 degree Celsius and she was about to call the ambulance. It took around 30 minutes until my body temperature rise again to 37C. When I opened my eye I really got surprised how I just had appeared from the river to the bed. Here is the freak fact my entire body was wet apart my head and even if it could not be sweat since my temperature was very low, but if it was why my face and hair was dried? I did stop to shivering minutes late, and it happened in the summer! The other dream was a bit weird, as soon I awake from a dream running both me and my wife just heard someone running from outside our room until getting to our bed, the room was locked but I got off the bed and investigated the house but nothing was found.
The television, and Sky TV set in couple occasions in front of everyone in the room chanced by itself just while I was telling to change channels or turn off. It could be someone prank me, but the controller was just in front of me and this scared my children and wife never less myself. How this happen I do not know and to be honest I do not care since happen random and I cannot do it any time I wish.
As an engineer I can understand about magnetic and energy field around human body, but imagine to have a bulb in my bedroom that only turns on when I get inside! annoying ? yes to my wife since she never managed to turn it on when alone inside the room. I replaced the bulb after 2 weeks to avoid making she getting scared. Good news the new bulb turns on by anyone.
To be honest I tried to find explanations to this events and I do not really believe that it are something that matter, perhaps only random coincidences.
The important thing in my experiences is does not matter how stupid or strange it may appears to be does not fits a normal average person. I am a very critical person and I always try to find a crack in the happing because I hate live with the idea that I cannot explain something which has just happened to me.
My must unpleasant feelings are that I have is the fact to look people on streets for example: walking around buys things, talking, smiling or doing any silly things as nothing and it was a normal thing to do make me feel so disappointed to be one of them specie. I do not feel that I am a superior race or being, I just look to them as if they are no more than irrational animals, living only cause they are alive with no greater propose. I good example to describe how it looks like to me watching human race is that: I do not like football! You may ask why. The idea of watching 22 people chasing a ball to make it get inside a goal is ridiculous, I understand the joy of playing it as and sport but not getting crazy as the society does to watch people playing. I have not found a single person on this planet that says it does not make sense as I think, people just get crazy to watch this sport as the Romans used to get watching people dieing in arenas thousand years ago.

Do I feel depressed? Yes! I live in a world where I never feel people are capable to see things with different perspective, feels things that we cannot see with our eyes. There are greater things here than most of people can imagine which I cannot really understand yet or will, but I wish I could. You may ask: Do you wish to die? My answer is NO. Life is to great that even an insect is important to me, the creation of my life is far greater and would be stupid from my part to think in ending it. However, I really would like to be in somewhere else, where things are more appreciated than here.
One of the things that bring me hope is what happen at the day that I show to my 12 and 5 years old children, a video showing the size of our visible universe on TV, but it also made me feel guilt. I deeply regretted showing to them this video, this is because I thought they you behave like anyone else at university or friends which has previously seen it, unlike that I just saw they faces looking at me resubliming the same look as I did when I saw it for the first time. Both of them came with arguments, such as: based on this video we are nothing compared to the universe and the other what is meaning of life if our planet is only dust in our galaxy as it is a dust in the universe. I have showing this short video to hundreds of people and it seems to them a normal scientific image and the only argument heard is wow the universe is very big, but despite this people my 5 years old daughter understood it at first glance what it means. sadly she lost the interest for playing with her toys for almost one week, but it seems that she managed to suppress what she realized as I do and appears to be happy again.
Remember I do talk with a lot academic people and I have not found people that cannot talk out of them academic qualifications. So if you think that you have anything in common with me please let me know, I will be delighted to find out that what happens in my family is not an isolated situation amongst human population!
WhydoIfeelthis WhydoIfeelthis
36-40
Aug 8, 2010