My Struggles

a bit about me: i use boyfriends as a crutch, because i haven't had many long term friendships. i completely rely on him for my entertainment, and happiness and future motivations and goals. he is my center, and life. i would be able to function without him, but i dont want to. he is the best you can find. and i would never be happy with someone else.

My Main problem is i have a lot of insecurities that hinder my thoughts and actions. and i am fixated on this, and become very unhappy.

What happens is i get shut off, demotivated, insecure, shy, distant, cranky and devalue myself.

What i do is try to hide it, but i can only do that to a certain extent, and it still affects me mentally

My main problem is, i have terrible jealousy issues. my biggest fear is my boyfriend leaving me for someone else. i fume with envy when i think someone is better than me, and have to be the best in the room at all times. even on tv or in a movie..i think he will grow interest in someone else, or different qualities i dont have..and leave me. i have to be the best in every situation for, beauty, personality, entertainment, morals and ethics. if im not i become insecure..etc.

this is because i think my boyfriend will see flaws in me, and will leave me as soon as someone better presented them self. why wouldn't he? everyone wants the best, this society is based on satisfying wants and desires. and there is always someone more desirable than you. i've done it, many many times in the past.. and have had it happen to me.

but a lot of times there were much more underlying issues. about Andrew i know i do not have to doubt him. he has a very good level of value and respect for me. he is devoted, loyal, trustworthy, dependable, loving, caring , thoughtful and ethical. i know of all people, i do not have to worry about him. he is happy with himself, and what he has..and lives simply, with leaving well enough alone. and does not have voids of his own that he imposes on me.. he does not need me, he enjoys me.

and i know that. how do i start feeling that?

My secondary problem is that because i have this need to satisfy judgement, i crave attention. i need every guy to look at me, and want me.

the problem with this is, i get consumed by trying to impress people, am essentially unhappy, and get myself in trouble.

what i want to achieve- i want to believe he is happy with me, and that i am perfect for him. but i know i can never reach perfection,and i'm terrified not to. because there will always be someone better..and what happens when he finds them.

Third problem: i know i have a lot of bad deeper thought, poor morals, and deamons.. that if andrew were to know about.. he would not be impressed, and would think of me completely different. this is where my main fear comes from, because i'm scared that if that surfaces.. im done. my ex.. was selfish and had a lot of daemons . and he was great, until he let me see them.. then i completely lost respect for him.. and left him without caring much. still good friends, but not interested in the least.

and andrew agreed himself to a quote in a movie, where you only know someone so well untill something happens and it completely catches you off gaurd and then you really know them.

what i want to accomplish i dont want that to happen to me, but it will if i don't set a new moral compos and follow my heart. how do i reset that?

i thought i needed to find out what was scaring me, what my fears and insecurities were, and rationalize them.

so here are my fears , insecurities, and deamons:

when he watches **** I think he devalues my body, or my performance, or sexiness.

when he hangs out with Jamie I think he misses her family..

I think he finds her funnier..

I think he enjoys listening to her stories..

I think he enjoys her company more than mine.

I think he feels that way about Hannah too.

I'm prettier. but that means nothing. and I'm only prettier in certain ways.

Self conflictions:

I rely on him, if he left.. I would have absolutely nothing in life.

he is the best guy in the world.. I will never be happy if I lose him.

I don't deserve him

I have a flighty and unsteady personality.

I always seek attention,

I have bad motives. - i dont have good ethics and selfish and dont do things for the best of others or the right thing, i do it for the best for myself.

I am untrustworthy. - to others and myself.

I can't be calm- i have bad anxiety and dont have good solutions. i just stress.

I can't be at ease

I need relationships as a crutch and way of fulfillment

I am not happy with myself. and can't believe he will be either.

I can't have resilience towards him because of my insecurities

I don't treat him properly

I'm going to tear us apart.

I've hid it until now

but it's out, and I'm going to **** us up.

I let my fears get ahead of me and it interferes with our relationship.

When i start to feel better about something -my dreams taunt me about whatever I worry about bad enough it will affect my opinion or mood. this has happened my whole life.

a bit about me, i am, on the forefront, a down to earth, good hearted, hard working, girl, who trys her best all the time, sometimes not succeeding, but the effort is always there. i am silly, and fun-loving, a girl who loves to joke and play. who is devoted and heart-felt, caring, thoughtful and considerate, and i really value these things, and try my best to be that way. and in my heart, i really do feel that way, and in my heart it comes naturally.

I really like the idea of finding our energy ( finding our true self, main priorities and heart) to help accept and enjoy our life. not to be tied down by negative thoughts or energies, not using something to fill a void. but rather finding your true values for motivation and meaning.. my motivation is Andrew, my goals are a happy marriage and family and I think that is where my fears tie in. I know I do a lot of things that would ruin that future.. I know I have a long distance from my head to my heart, and I can't trust my mind to do what my heart wants. I am deceitful, and untrustworthy..not only to those I love, but to myself. and that is why I am unhappy with myself. that is why I can never trust I can truly be loved, because I know I don't really deserve it.. and that's why I feel like I will always be replaced. and that's why I am a jealous individual and don't trust others.. because I know how I think..and what I do.. and that I can't be trusted.

Next: I'm trying to figure out how to ease my own mind.. I need to take a long hard look at who I think I am...what I actually do..and who I would like to be..and work towards that.. so I too can honestly say I accept and like who I am. that when I reflect on myself I am happy with the results.

How im going to do that: I am going to stop looking for attention, I am going to put all of my affections towards my boyfriend, I am going to quit looking in the past and be thankful for what I have. I am going to listen to more love songs, and think positively. I am going to correct my faults.. and never fault again. I will prioritize my values, and make better decisions. I will live purely, and morally. I will stay true to myself. and never be deceitful. I will live life like everyone is watching, stop doing things i would have to hide, and not do anything I wouldn't think my family, friends, boyfriend, or myself would be proud of in general.

Overview: but ultimately, it takes a lot more depth, soul searching, analysing, and improvement to do that.. like.. I get uneasy with any sign of us being unhappy.. because one.. I know how flighty I've been in the past. I have always broken up with people on a whim.. and I would die if he were to do that to me.. but I know how easy it is to do on the other hand.. and I've been in relationships since I was 14.. and haven't had many close friends that have been around all that long.. so I've become super dependant on relationships. I know deep down I'm not the person I wish I was, and because of that I get super jealous of the people around me who have traits I wish I had.. I feel easily replaced because of this as well, and because I've always never had a problem replacing people in the past. I have reason to my madness.. I just needed to look deep down to what my fears were and what caused them.. and so then I could rationalize that I don't have to worry..as opposed to just saying..don't worry..be happy now.. ya know?

it takes so long to really figure out the reasons why you do what you do.. you think it would be so simple since you make the decisions.. but it's not. it's crazy just how many things play into your responses and defenses.. past experiences, habits, impressions.. self reflections.. to understand everything would be impossible.. and I think I'll never really know why I always feel the way I do, or why I think the things I do.. but if I monitor it, and put myself in good scenarios I will at least know why I act the way I do, and it will be because I am true to my principal beliefs and morals.. then I believe that once I stick to that long enough the daemons will disappear..where I'm surrounded with such good people soon enough my fears..and insecurities will vanish too, and I won't have anything to hinder my thoughts or actions.. and... god help me, that I pull through and really do this..
uhyta uhyta
18-21, F
4 Responses Dec 3, 2012

Speaking of God helping, I think you may be contending with the Bible with how long your story is. Lol, jk. So I am thinking what you really probably need is to focus more on long-term friendships. You mentioned that most of the time your friends are just the people you're in a relationship, and tend not to have friends otherwise. I know a lot of people who are like that, and they feel the NEED to be in a relationship - and that's not healthy. I use to be that exact same way. The solution is just to try to make people as friends - and nothing more than that. Now, I pray that everything works out well between you and Andrew - it sounds like he is a great guy for you - but if he is the only person in your life to keep you company then you're absolutely right, it'll be terrible when that ends. If you have friends who can support you and help you through tough times, you'll be a lot more secure and not feel like you need to rely on relationships. This, I think, will fix all of the other issues you said you have.

Feel free to drop me a message if you ever need somebody to talk to! Good luck!

hahahha, oh you're funny. I really did laugh at "Speaking of God helping, I think you may be contending with the Bible with how long your story is. Lol, jk" hah :p it is terribly long. i really never expected anyone to ever end up reading it! but a lot of people did, and i actually got a lot of really good help from here. Including what you've said. and i will keep your advice close to mind, because i think you're right. my reliance on him is what really drives my fears, and causes me to create so many other worries and anxieties.. and strive so much for perfection. and you're right with how to fix it. i have to put more emphasis on creating friendships to improve my day to day life, so that i have more things in life that i value and enjoy and that make me happy..so i don't feel like i have all my eggs in one basket.. but also, to have something to fall back on, for support, and reassurance.
and i do have a lot of friends, but they are joint friends. and not best friends.
but since i just moved back to canada from the netherlands, i left my closest girlfriend and best friend there. but , i reconnected with one of my childhood friends, and in the last two weeks, we've spent 3 days together, with out andrew, and it has been so nice an relieving to have a girlfriend, someone i can really talk to, someone who really makes me laugh and i can make laugh. people really take having friends for granted, it really takes not having a best freind for a long time to really realize everything it gives you..and the true importance of it. maybe that's slightly untrue, im sure there are a lot of people who always value their friends, i guess what i meant to say was that i am realizing that now, and realizing just how good it will be for me. :) thank you, i'm going to put a lot more into strengthening my friendships, and giving a little more diversity to my life.. really good advice. thank you! and if something more comes up..which happens often.. if you still don't mind me messaging you.. i probably will :)

I'm going to call you Cathy - because you sure are chatty! Haha. But no, of course people will read it - that's the purpose of the website, right? To help out other people with the problems they're dealing with. I'm glad that you're receiving some good help here :).

Haha, joint friends. Drugs are bad, mmmkay? But no, I know exactly what you mean - there's a group I hang out with that are more just like... drinking buddies. And that's about it. So it's nice to have some friends outside of that sort of circle.

You live in Canada, eh? No wonder why you're not happy! Lol, kidding. But yeah, it's great that you have a good friend to hang out with outside of Andrew :). It makes you realize that you have other people in your life other than him - and if anything ever happened between you two (and hopefully it doesn't!), then you'll have other people who are there for you.

And of course! You can message me absolutely whenever you want! ... But I just one dollar a message. ... Wait, you're Canadian. No, I don't want your stinkin' Canadian money! But you can message me anyways... I guess. Lol.

Dear uhyta -- As I am falling asleep at the computer, I cannot take time to respond in any depth. I just want you to know that you are no different from most other human beings. We have doubts, insecurities, fears. Unfortunately, all too many of us rely on others for validation of ourselves. This is a path to unhappiness and failure. You really need to take the time to develop some skills and self love so that you do not crave the validation from others so much. Until you do, you are never going to find the lasting and loving relationship you so badly want.

Do not try to rush this process. For must humans, this does not come about until somewhere after the age of about 25, for some even later.

I wish you luck.

I really really do. I just can't help but to stress. It has become my main goal to be appealing. And though it has lead me to a road of unhappiness, I haven't fpund ananother way tto value myself. Unfortunately. Though I try! And i do believe i jave a lot of good traits, and I do believe I'm a good person, and that I make a lot of people happy.. I just have never felt quite good enough, and the fact of knowing my flaws exist and that their kinda critical. Like you know.. not being able to have sex? Who can feel confident and sexy if they know they suck in bed. Ouch. But, that won't last forever. Ill just face it now. Though its something I want to enjoy, and have be romantic.. and I feel like my insecurities have ruined that. Good god. I need major help. I have to free my mind.

You may want to consider getting some counseling. Self-doubt and self-criticism are normal and we all do it to some extent. Don't let this cripple you from having a great life. You seem like a very nice person and attractive young woman (that is not a come-on). And, as I said last night, we all are terrible at sex until we learn better. The only way to learn better is to practice, read, experiment, and in some cases have someone more experienced show you. (Again, not a come on -- I am 61 fat and happily married 8))

Your courage is awe inspiring!

ok well i have to tell you your not using a boyfriend for entertainment, i found my best friend and i married my best friend, whats wrong with trying to find the right guy to lean on isnt that what a real relationship is? my late husband was my best friend i loved hanging out with him we used to go places together , when i was upset his shoulder was there to cry on , i am 38 i have a house car kids the only thing missing in my life is a relationship that makes me happy. when you find out that your grown up you see that you want another half well thats where im at in my life . but i have to be careful not to fall for my ex again because he's not my one and i know he will never make me happy.

There is nothing wrong with your boyfriend being a good source of entertainment, or finding the right person you can lean on..as long as they aren't a crutch. the reason relationships, and love are so enjoyable is because of the ongoing support, the ongoing feel of being valued, and having the affection and romance regularly in your life. and that is a healthy relationship! as long as the reason you are with each other is because you enjoy each other.. not need each other.