I Wished I Was Stronger.

Wary of long story, even though it has been summarized (like lol) :D 

I used to have an online relationship. Lets call this lover to be J.

J & I are both gamers.

For guys who have yearned for a girlfriend who plays games with you, yeah it's cool & all fun however..., and for girls who don't mind their boyfriends being gamers, be wary. Here's a caution for both that's obvious actually:

- Make sure not one of you is addicted to gaming. The one addicted will be like making 70^% of the conversation to be all about games just because YOU also plays games. If YOU don't play games, then it's likely you won't talk for long since the other person will rather be "constructively using their time" to play games.
Which might make the whole relationship to fall apart. 

J, though, is a special case. J's addicted to gaming, but J likes me me to the point that sometimes J tries really hard to quit addiction to gaming(Also because of my encouragement).

I sometimes tried to cheer J up by drawing something that J likes for J. And not only J appreciates it, J also thank me a lohent, even after the day that I showed J the picture.(If you thought that was supposed to be what a normal lover would do, well, this is first time that someone was ever so grateful for something that I did for them.)

When others flame me in the game, J will always stand up for me even though I don't have the courage to do the same for J.
I am really happy and relieved to find such a sweet person like J.

J though is also someone who can't forgive himself easily.

I often don't get why J kept worrying constantly over things. worrying doesn't help - that's what I always told J. Worrying only gives you more stress and makes you hesitate more, obstructing you on whatever you wanted to do, so why worry? I hate it that he also makes himself sad for no reason and I can't help him with it.
Sometimes J is really busy, but J still makes some time to spend with me. 
But there is this one time,
I asked J to go back doing whatever he was doing.
Some of you might say I'm being mean, but I want to stop being a bother to him for once and for all.

Maybe he never thought that way, but I thought so.
Yes, I'm being selfish.

And he started being cold, while I get sad for my own stupidity again.
Though J never stays cold for a long time, not even once.

 J has anger issues too. So I blamed myself for not being able to help him.
The repetition of being helpless everytime he's sad, ultimately made me become a negative person, and swaying towards the wrong thinking that we were actually using each other for benefits instead, even though we were so pure back then.

Yes, I said I draw things for him.
But I don't like to draw, it's a waste of time. But for J, I will do it occassionally, not everytime.

One day,
we ran out of things to talk about. 
Every couple sure will have this day to come about eventually no matter how much they both clicked.
Some simply enjoy the company of the other and they don't need words as much.
But I don't.That's when I started to get bored & tired of the entire relationship.
Maybe you would suggest that we play games or do other things, but we already played games very often, and there's nothing else we could do. We are in different countries, we couldn't hang out together, how do we get the company of each other? 
I know that a lover isn't meant to give you fun. If you love someone, you wouldn't treat them like a toy.
But I didn't know of that back then; not that I literally treat J as a toy, but I rely on J for the sake of making my everyday better. 
This is also when I realised that I was being too dependant on J and wanted to end this for good.
I liked J too much though, I don't want things to end, so I requested to just be friends.
Yes, I'm a selfish bastard. I know. 
But I became really jaded of being guilty of being helpless. For all his situations. 

J was a pakistani, maybe you could imagine what kind of bad things he experience throughout his life, with all those **** terrorism.

In the end, I just gave up, and stopped replying to his rants.
I wished I had the strength to carry him forward.

We were once in love, thinking of only the best for each other.
J, I thank you for being with me all those times.
Only now I've grown out of my naivety.
One day, I will make sure you can be happy.
And I will for sure, carry out that promise we made.
But for now, I will continue to grow up, until I'm mature enough to not screw things up before we meet again.

All in all, all the best for now J. 
Sacriz Sacriz
2 Responses Dec 18, 2012

i don't know you but... i feel that relationship by chatting are more easly broken...still, you seem very passionate, on my experience, that's something hard to see, good for you, the next who you acept as a couple will be one lucky bastard, i'm sure of it. jeje

very deep...and very sad it sseems so broken...

lol yea, I was really upset over this whole thing for a long time that i kept breaking down and cried every single night for some weeks.
But now, I just become a happy-go-lucky kid.
Though if you want to talk about more serious stuff, i can always switch :>

And thanks for reading even though its so long hahaha!

this is serious stuff. and i am hear to listen to anything. and i wont judge you. and its nice how you wrote it. its like a story but sad.

It's part of my life story after all :p and thanks keith. :>